My Life....

I am beyond perfect....I was a lousy mother at times....I wanted things perfect and clean....I want things pretty and big.....have I worked hard in getting the things I want out of life....HELL YES....I like to help to many people and I am taken advantage of a lot of the times......I want my sons to live and be happy....I worry that they spend to much time on computers and not with live people.  I worry that they have dreams and only settle.....I try desperately not to be in their business, but then you can't keep your mouth shut any longer....I have stolen in life.....I have lied in life.....I have banished God from my life....and then have accepted him in my life.....I have settled for things and then have regretted it.....I have been to jail justly and then I have been to jail unjustly........I love my mom and then I can't understand her sometimes.....I am angry at my mom and then I get over it.....I love each of my sons equally and then I have my favorites.....I like they fight with me and then I like they get over it as I do.....they cut me off and it doesn't bother me.....but then I worry about them because they are my children.....I wonder if I did right and then I know I didn't do right....but I gave it a hell of a try.....I fought for them when needed and defended them even if I know they did wrong.....I have been a bad wife and a good wife....I love fiercely and I hate even more fiercely....I have jealousy....and I carry love....I have been abused and gave out abuse....I give and don't expect nothing.....but then I give and expect a lot......I have people that have remembered my good heart and people that have referred to me as the worst bitch in the world....I have had people call me uneducated.....and I have had people say I have brains....I know what the streets are like and I know what a home is like.....I did drugs and conquered them..... I still have a taste for those drugs and then I get over it.....I like to go out with a bunch of girls but don't do it very often......I like to flirt with other men and I love my husband fiercely...I want my youth back and then there are times I want to end it all.....I want my kids to come and give me a kiss and to say hi.....I want them to tell me about their day.....I like when they leave me alone when I am going through a tough day....but I like it if they defend me......I love to introduce my boys to people and have them see the beautiful big boys they are.....I want happiness and peace for them....but I don't expect them to dishonor their family.....I don't expect abuse from my children....yet sometimes they do.....they fight back with passion.....and they say "I love you"....I want to leave this earth in peace.....and i want it to be at my own hands.....I like to be invited to go out with them and that makes me feel good and wanted....and then I don't want to go because I don't want to step on their toes...I like to know they are proud of the mountains I have conquered.....and say that my mom is the best.....and I like it when they smile and say "thank you mom".....or they say "I am sorry"....I love my marriage and then I hate my marriage....I wonder why I never went out for my own dreams....and then I look around and say I would never trade out my life.....i care what people think and then I don't really give a damn......do I have regrets in life......yes.....do I want to make peace with people that I have done wrong by.....yes.....can I make it up to those people.....yes.....do I want people to think of me as a crazy person.....doesn't bother me any......because deep down people will remember me one way or another....do I shed tears, loads of them....am I glad when people call me "stupid".....no.....do I get my feelings hurt....a lot.....but do I hurt feelings to....yes.....THIS IS REAL LIFE.....its my life.....its the life I have.....its the life I regret sometimes.....have I done good.....sometimes.....have I done bad.....a lot of the times.....but I do try.....and I guess that's all you can do.....is try.....and if its not good enough.....then keep trying.....will I regret my life if I die tomorrow......maybe......do I regret not fulling my own dreams......possibly.....does anyone actually know what I dreamed about as a little girl.....no.....because I was never asked.....but I have a life and its my life....so will this be continued....HELL YES!!!!!

So this is me.....I love me....I hate me.....I know I could have done more.....and I know that I am not finished yet.....will I find peace.....probably.....but I am still here so there is time yet.....