Dearest Krystina,
I don't know why I am writing you this letter right now because there is a letter I wanted to write my mother tonight. But I have to get my thoughts together about your great grandmother before I write the letter. Why? Well because your great grandmother tried killing herself today (August 19th). And I have a lot of thoughts swimming in my head. I tried putting it into this blog but its rambling right now. Not sadness about it but anger. Strange to you right that your great grandmother tried killing herself and I am not sad about it but angry. I know it is for me to right now. So I changed the heading of this blog to a letter to you. Maybe because since you don't know about this part of the family I feel like I have to tell you a couple of things before I can concentrate on my mom.
I love you Krystina. No one can deny my love for you. I am angry about the situation that I put myself in that I can not talk to you. But I was happy with the pictures I have been getting. Your mom responded to Patrick recently and even if I was totally thrilled with the response and that she acknowledged Patrick it was the same thing "your mom did wrong" and this and that. Don't think its a quote because its not. Your mom was right. But I want and need her to forgive me. I was an idiot and I can't say that enough. But I will continue on with writing you these letters because its all I have in life for you. I can feel like I am giving you an insight of this part of the family. Not all the rosy and uplifting stuff but the whole picture. I guess its because of my mom's and my relationship that I thought if I was the opposite I would always have family that at least respected me and loved me enough to know that fights and disagreements happen but family was important. But I don't even have that do I.
How can I explain to you in a letter the love I have for you. How can I tell you that one mistake a person might make shouldn't define a relationship. Because if I sit here and add up the mistakes my mom has made toward family she deserves my anger. Yet I know your moms angry with me and I deserve that, but I have to say I thought the good I did for her would outweigh the bad I may have done with taking sides, one time. So can I say all the beatings my mom gave me, the humiliations, and the unsaid words aren't forgivable for my mom. I have to forgive my mom and I thought I did. There was a "come to Jesus" moment for my mom and myself and I told her I can forgive but I can't forget. And I want that with your mom to. But do I have the right to ask for that. I can say "yes" for selfish reasons. I can list the reasons why I deserve at least a pass for ignorance. But its all up to your mom isn't it and it doesn't look like I will get that anytime soon. So I will keep writing these letters to you. I will continue saying how I love you and I hope to continue getting pictures of you.
If Krystina you read this after my passing and we never get a chance to see each other again, know one thing I was and am a passionate person in love and life. You were born and my life as a grandmother was to begin. I chose to end it for reasons I have written about. And I may not get that second chance but know I always wanted that second chance. My mother may die and I may be dead when you may read the horrible things I went through with her growing up and wonder if I was anything like her. NO I AM NOTHING LIKE YOUR GREAT GRANDMOTHER. I was the opposite and tried to be the opposite. I just feel like life is short and if this doesn't have a resolution I didn't want you to grow up and get these letters and wonder about that. Forgiveness is a gift to anyone. Forgiveness is hard to do. But I understand that to.....because I may say I forgive my own mother but I don't know if I have yet. It's one of those things that needs to be done to give a person absolution, but its easier said then done. Just try Krystina, if you get these letters and I am not around to explain anything you may have questions to just remember "I only wanted to be forgiven". I have people in my life that I have to forgive to. And I realize I have to work at that myself. But I do try so hard. I do want to be that person. But stubbornness is a lot easier sometimes isn't it.
Well as usual writing you made me feel better some. I LOVE YOU LITTLE ONE. And this letter is important to me for you as all of them are. I read stories all the time parents leaving their children videos or letters because they know they are dying and want them to have a little something of themselves. I started writing thinking its a way to keep you in the loop and we would meet again. But with life as it is I could die tomorrow and now these letters have become more important to me. And those pictures I get are even more precious to me.
Krystina I am going to end this letter. Its a little sappy and sad. Its a true reflection on the day I am having. I just can't let this sit and lie and not know that there is a chance you won't read these letters till after I am dead and gone. They are important to me. You are important to me. Your mom is important to me. My boys are important to me. Lonnie is important to me. My friends are important to me. I left these letters with several people that will find you and give them to you if I am gone. I just hope that I am here for you to curse or yell at or to ask questions to. But if not, that's what life is all about the old leaving and the new starting out.
Love Your Grandmother
Monday, August 19, 2013
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Blog and Blogging
I found my way into this by accident. I didn't know if I wanted to write on the internet about my family, issues, or whatever. I decided I would write about family. My family is one of those families that have a lot of issues and god its a lot of issues. But I am just one of those mothers that try to survive raising my family to the best of my abilities. I have failed in many areas but have succeeded in many more. I have my own failures and my own issues as does every human being on this earth. There is a lot of feed back I receive on this blog. I get feed back from my family constantly. They don't want their lives out there. What is the difference from me writing in this blog to them having Facebook. We know I have issues with my son Gary and his new wife Arielle. We know that I have issues with not being able to speak or see Krystina's pictures. We know that I have issues with my ex husband or Kayti. We know when I am hurting or when I am sad or when I am happy. Is it such a big deal. Really if you think about it if you aren't ashamed of your life you won't have an issue. My husband Lonnie and two of my sons don't care about the blogging. Patrick and Jason say "heh, if it helps you to get stuff out then I don't care". It just seems like the ones that have the problems with me blogging are the ones that I have the issues with. But we all have to remember that this blog is only how I feel or how I interpret things. They all have their own minds on how they interpret things and how they feel about things....no two people are going to feel the same about things. So I do understand that much at least. As I have stated only one person can make me stop and that person would have to contact me to do that.
So lets begin on some issues. I have a issue right now that my ex husband, Daniel W. Birdsong is in the Philippines and married someone so soon after arriving there. He lived with a woman in Orlando, Florida for many years. She was the one that tried to put a restraining order on my children and tried to take my youngest son from me. Well of course she didn't do it alone. Dan did participate in that. I believe I have blogged about this in the past. But he just recently got a chance to come back in his son's lives and then took off to the Philippines to be with this other woman who gave birth to his daughter many many years ago. Whats funny is he never really looked for his daughter like he gave up being a father to his boys but yet he is forgiven by the boys, and he found his daughter and now is married to his daughters mommy. I am glad that he is happy and living the way he wants. But the issue I have is "really Dan." So many years of ignoring your children all of them and you have a second chance to be with them and you are out again. Guess it's a man thing. But of course he is getting up there in age and needs a good Asian woman that will wait on him hand and foot and take care of him in his old age. What do you think the woman, Karen Wolter, that he left behind in Orlando, Florida is thinking? Should I take some glee in her being alone after so many years and her participation in ruining a father and sons relationship......secretly "I AM". Sorry its one of those things. But I guess I will have to say I am glad for him. At least the true Asian woman know how to take care of their men. Unlike me, half American and half Asian. I was brought up in America so I never learned to be that Asian half to well. But now if he would just take care of getting his children the health insurance and dental insurance he promised them that would be nice. One day.......
Another issue I am having is this. I have one person who expressed to me she would like me to stop blogging. Of course it's a family member (at least I consider this person a family member). What I don't get is this. I get feed back from my family constantly, the ones I have issues with. They don't want their lives out there. What is the difference from me writing in this blog to them having Facebook. We know I have issues with my son Gary and his new wife Arielle. We know that I have issues with not being able to speak or see Krystina's pictures. We know that I have issues with my ex husband or Kayti. We know when I am hurting or when I am sad or when I am happy. Is it such a big deal? Really if you think about it if you aren't ashamed of your life you won't have an issue. I am not naming the thievery that happened in the many businesses this family may have committed working for others. Or how one big thievery cost someone else their jobs because it was set up like that. I am not mentioning that one family member turning in another family member maybe to help that family member. I am not mentioning the arson family member's did for another family member. Or the car break in's or the home robberies that were committed, or the forgery's that were committed. Or the armed robberies that was committed by two family members where they were almost sent to prison for (now Gary's was mentioned) but you should see him now, a chef and living his life, away from me, and we still have issues, especially when it comes to how he treats the woman in his life. The drug dealing or drug taking. So really is it such a big deal......LOL.....I guess so. I would stop and delete this whole blog if I was asked personally. By the right person I would stop. But this is life. This is family. Its one of those things that you can take it or leave it. Families have skeletons....some really big skeletons and some things they would like to forget. But doesn't that all just make us who we are? Did we do bad things and come out of it to be better people? I would hope so. Because this family has a lot of skeletons. And not just the young generation but the older to. My mom was no angel. I was no angel. And the generation after me is certainly no angel. Yet we are all working at doing better and that is what makes me smile more then anything, we were bad people but we came out of it. Each of us is finding happiness in our little corner of the world. Do we deserve happiness......HELL YES.....do we fight and disagree.....YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT WE DO....but take the good and the bad and do something with it. Say your "I am sorry's" ..... say "I love you's"..... say "I am not perfect" and get on with it......don't be ashamed or scared.....LIFE IS SHORT.......
So once again I have probably made some family members mad. But yeah being mad is a feeling I have to. I just appreciate that someone is reading the blog I have put out. Its life people and life isn't all full of roses and puppies.......
LOVE TO ALL
So lets begin on some issues. I have a issue right now that my ex husband, Daniel W. Birdsong is in the Philippines and married someone so soon after arriving there. He lived with a woman in Orlando, Florida for many years. She was the one that tried to put a restraining order on my children and tried to take my youngest son from me. Well of course she didn't do it alone. Dan did participate in that. I believe I have blogged about this in the past. But he just recently got a chance to come back in his son's lives and then took off to the Philippines to be with this other woman who gave birth to his daughter many many years ago. Whats funny is he never really looked for his daughter like he gave up being a father to his boys but yet he is forgiven by the boys, and he found his daughter and now is married to his daughters mommy. I am glad that he is happy and living the way he wants. But the issue I have is "really Dan." So many years of ignoring your children all of them and you have a second chance to be with them and you are out again. Guess it's a man thing. But of course he is getting up there in age and needs a good Asian woman that will wait on him hand and foot and take care of him in his old age. What do you think the woman, Karen Wolter, that he left behind in Orlando, Florida is thinking? Should I take some glee in her being alone after so many years and her participation in ruining a father and sons relationship......secretly "I AM". Sorry its one of those things. But I guess I will have to say I am glad for him. At least the true Asian woman know how to take care of their men. Unlike me, half American and half Asian. I was brought up in America so I never learned to be that Asian half to well. But now if he would just take care of getting his children the health insurance and dental insurance he promised them that would be nice. One day.......
Another issue I am having is this. I have one person who expressed to me she would like me to stop blogging. Of course it's a family member (at least I consider this person a family member). What I don't get is this. I get feed back from my family constantly, the ones I have issues with. They don't want their lives out there. What is the difference from me writing in this blog to them having Facebook. We know I have issues with my son Gary and his new wife Arielle. We know that I have issues with not being able to speak or see Krystina's pictures. We know that I have issues with my ex husband or Kayti. We know when I am hurting or when I am sad or when I am happy. Is it such a big deal? Really if you think about it if you aren't ashamed of your life you won't have an issue. I am not naming the thievery that happened in the many businesses this family may have committed working for others. Or how one big thievery cost someone else their jobs because it was set up like that. I am not mentioning that one family member turning in another family member maybe to help that family member. I am not mentioning the arson family member's did for another family member. Or the car break in's or the home robberies that were committed, or the forgery's that were committed. Or the armed robberies that was committed by two family members where they were almost sent to prison for (now Gary's was mentioned) but you should see him now, a chef and living his life, away from me, and we still have issues, especially when it comes to how he treats the woman in his life. The drug dealing or drug taking. So really is it such a big deal......LOL.....I guess so. I would stop and delete this whole blog if I was asked personally. By the right person I would stop. But this is life. This is family. Its one of those things that you can take it or leave it. Families have skeletons....some really big skeletons and some things they would like to forget. But doesn't that all just make us who we are? Did we do bad things and come out of it to be better people? I would hope so. Because this family has a lot of skeletons. And not just the young generation but the older to. My mom was no angel. I was no angel. And the generation after me is certainly no angel. Yet we are all working at doing better and that is what makes me smile more then anything, we were bad people but we came out of it. Each of us is finding happiness in our little corner of the world. Do we deserve happiness......HELL YES.....do we fight and disagree.....YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT WE DO....but take the good and the bad and do something with it. Say your "I am sorry's" ..... say "I love you's"..... say "I am not perfect" and get on with it......don't be ashamed or scared.....LIFE IS SHORT.......
So once again I have probably made some family members mad. But yeah being mad is a feeling I have to. I just appreciate that someone is reading the blog I have put out. Its life people and life isn't all full of roses and puppies.......
LOVE TO ALL
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Krystina Lucille Tessinari
Hi Krystina,
Okay if you are reading this one day you will see a lot of letters to you from me......it's all going to be weird for you because you have to be wondering who is this person that has my name all over the internet. Hell the internet may not be called that by the time you turn of age. It's weird I know but I am just a grandmother trying to leave something of herself for a granddaughter. By now you will know that I am a stupid individual that made a chose in life for someone who wanted my backing one time in their life and I ended up screwing myself.....so that makes me a human grandmother and not a ghost of one.
Patrick came to me tonight and told me your mom got in contact with him. Oh my god how happy I was. Even if the message was not encouraging of us making amends it was something.....it was a thrill to have a response. I have been emailing her forever now and no response so for Patrick to get on after many months was wonderful. He is so honest and sincere. He loves you greatly. But with his brother asking the house to make a choice we did. Boy was it the wrong choice. I am at the full blame though and its up to me to keep writing to you to let you know that it was all on me to choose.
So tonight was good news from your mom.....just for her responding made me happy. Anyway back to you. I have seen some recent pictures and my god you and Zoe are getting big. You look like a great big sister. It's cool to see the pictures. Your mom had her Facebook open to me for searches but all of a sudden she locked me out again. Don't know why, I thought by me getting to see pictures of you through her she was allowing me that much at least. But it was wishful thinking, I guess. Thank you god that my other resources know I just want pictures and gets them to me. Not a lot but some. And its good to see you growing up.
I couldn't give your mom her request through Patrick and that was to stop blogging about her. I told Patrick I would if she would call me personally to ask and give me a chance, then it could happen. But I have a couple of people tell me they get a insight of family from my blogs. Don't figure right. My blogs are readable to the public. It's quite funny to me that I am interesting or my family drama is interesting. Or maybe its you little one that is interesting. I am going to have to stop calling you little I think soon. Because in your pictures you aren't so little anymore are you. Did you know that your family is made up of mischievous people? Will have to explain that in future blogs, how we didn't always color inside the lines. The stories I have about the things we all used to do. Some of it not so nice....some of it quite funny. I guess that's what makes me a treasure, I have all the stories. Good thing I have diaries and I backup everything. It will never be lost to you. You might actually enjoy learning about the family and what we did in our lives. Even this dysfunctional family.
Been working, have a job that I do from the house now. Its great. I work 4 - 10 hour shifts. And been cleaning out your grandmothers house. Selling everything. My brother Dominick is in the process of renting out your great grandmothers house. And I am in charge of having a garage sale every weekend. It's been going on for two months now at my friends house. So when I get off at 7:30 am on the weekends we head over to her house to have the garage sale. You would find that your great grandmother is a pack rat. She loved clothes. A lot of people say, "its vintage". I saved some clothes from Vietnam for you. It's what the young ladies wore in Vietnam. And they were made there and everything when your great grandmother was in her 20's. So its all packed up for you. Just another part of your family history. Been settling some things with your great grandmother. The issues she and I have had in the past. She wasn't a easy woman as many might say about me. Except she never says "I am sorry". That's a big difference. Your father is like that. He hates to say "I am sorry". But your great grandmother and myself have been hashing out our problems. Will have to blog some on these things. I think I have done that. You will just have to read the blogs one day.
Everything is being backed up for you Krystina. And everything is being packed away. Heck I even have pictures your mom left here for me to keep safe. She said she would contact me to get them one day when you both left and that never happened. So they are put away also. Of course I used some of them in my home to display. But I thought its been a while since I posted a letter to you. So I figured I would. I love you. Can you PLEASE HURRY AND GROW UP.......be a good sister and lots of love is sent your way.
Love you always and forever,
Your Grandmother
August 17, 2013
Okay if you are reading this one day you will see a lot of letters to you from me......it's all going to be weird for you because you have to be wondering who is this person that has my name all over the internet. Hell the internet may not be called that by the time you turn of age. It's weird I know but I am just a grandmother trying to leave something of herself for a granddaughter. By now you will know that I am a stupid individual that made a chose in life for someone who wanted my backing one time in their life and I ended up screwing myself.....so that makes me a human grandmother and not a ghost of one.
Patrick came to me tonight and told me your mom got in contact with him. Oh my god how happy I was. Even if the message was not encouraging of us making amends it was something.....it was a thrill to have a response. I have been emailing her forever now and no response so for Patrick to get on after many months was wonderful. He is so honest and sincere. He loves you greatly. But with his brother asking the house to make a choice we did. Boy was it the wrong choice. I am at the full blame though and its up to me to keep writing to you to let you know that it was all on me to choose.
So tonight was good news from your mom.....just for her responding made me happy. Anyway back to you. I have seen some recent pictures and my god you and Zoe are getting big. You look like a great big sister. It's cool to see the pictures. Your mom had her Facebook open to me for searches but all of a sudden she locked me out again. Don't know why, I thought by me getting to see pictures of you through her she was allowing me that much at least. But it was wishful thinking, I guess. Thank you god that my other resources know I just want pictures and gets them to me. Not a lot but some. And its good to see you growing up.
I couldn't give your mom her request through Patrick and that was to stop blogging about her. I told Patrick I would if she would call me personally to ask and give me a chance, then it could happen. But I have a couple of people tell me they get a insight of family from my blogs. Don't figure right. My blogs are readable to the public. It's quite funny to me that I am interesting or my family drama is interesting. Or maybe its you little one that is interesting. I am going to have to stop calling you little I think soon. Because in your pictures you aren't so little anymore are you. Did you know that your family is made up of mischievous people? Will have to explain that in future blogs, how we didn't always color inside the lines. The stories I have about the things we all used to do. Some of it not so nice....some of it quite funny. I guess that's what makes me a treasure, I have all the stories. Good thing I have diaries and I backup everything. It will never be lost to you. You might actually enjoy learning about the family and what we did in our lives. Even this dysfunctional family.
Been working, have a job that I do from the house now. Its great. I work 4 - 10 hour shifts. And been cleaning out your grandmothers house. Selling everything. My brother Dominick is in the process of renting out your great grandmothers house. And I am in charge of having a garage sale every weekend. It's been going on for two months now at my friends house. So when I get off at 7:30 am on the weekends we head over to her house to have the garage sale. You would find that your great grandmother is a pack rat. She loved clothes. A lot of people say, "its vintage". I saved some clothes from Vietnam for you. It's what the young ladies wore in Vietnam. And they were made there and everything when your great grandmother was in her 20's. So its all packed up for you. Just another part of your family history. Been settling some things with your great grandmother. The issues she and I have had in the past. She wasn't a easy woman as many might say about me. Except she never says "I am sorry". That's a big difference. Your father is like that. He hates to say "I am sorry". But your great grandmother and myself have been hashing out our problems. Will have to blog some on these things. I think I have done that. You will just have to read the blogs one day.
Everything is being backed up for you Krystina. And everything is being packed away. Heck I even have pictures your mom left here for me to keep safe. She said she would contact me to get them one day when you both left and that never happened. So they are put away also. Of course I used some of them in my home to display. But I thought its been a while since I posted a letter to you. So I figured I would. I love you. Can you PLEASE HURRY AND GROW UP.......be a good sister and lots of love is sent your way.
Love you always and forever,
Your Grandmother
August 17, 2013
Krystina Lucille Tessinari and Kayti Bostnar Ratigan
3-19-10
Copies of letters are preserved in album for you to see
Grandma and Grandpa,
I love you! I miss you ! I love you the mostest. I won't forget your a part of me I promise. My birthday was so much fum. I went to Chuck E Cheese and was there all day! I got to dance with him and he gave me a crown. I got a computer and I play with it all the time. I learn my ABC's and #'s. I got your letter today, I will put it with my books.
Krystina
***Now grant you that was the last letter I received and some pictures which I still have....that was the package I got with nothing in it for your father. That was the start of your daddy feeling bad and I chose to back out of calling and such so to not be in the middle of this mess. My mistake was that I should have told your daddy to handle it. But I felt so bad. And it was coming down to sticking up for your dad when I always took your mom side for everything. My only comfort for me when she got the two letters I sent one for you and one for her was that I thought your mom would read the letter and say to herself this isn't MyLinh let me call her and talk to her about this. As I would have done for your mom in the past when your daddy and her fought to get her side. Especially when I had such a heart to heart about her leaving and wishing her the best and to find that love that deserves her. I gave her my blessings on going and told her I LOVED HER.....but she never called me and I allowed it to go on. I even thought throwing the money in there she would say "wait a minute she closed out that for me, and owing her" then she would call pissed off about that....then I could explain that it's not me but Gary wanting his mother to be behind him for a time.....It made me angry that she never gave me that chance like I always stood behind her she NEVER CALLED......so I am stuck with choices that I made thinking your mom would say thats not her. So this letter went next to your mom and you.......
Kayti
PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME PICTURES AND LETTERS FROM KRYSTINA BECAUSE GARY AND YOU WANT TO FIGHT AND WITHHOLD KRYSTINA FROM HIM - WHERE HE IS UNABLE TO TALK TO HIS DAUGHTER - SO HE ENDS UP GIVING UP - BECAUSE THAT IS BASICALLY WHAT YOU AND GARY MADE ME DO IS GIVE UP - I REFUSE TO ALLOW YOU TO PUT ME IN THE MIDDLE - EVER SINCE YOU LEFT I HAVEN'T SEEN A LETTER TO HER FATHER OR PICTURES SENT TO HIM AND NOW YOU ARE SENDING THEM TO ME - VERY UNFAIR AND NASTY - YOU HAVE TURNED INTO A PERSON THAT I DON'T LIKE BY YOUR LYING AND THAT INCLUDES THE MONEY YOU OWE PATRICK AND ME - AND FOR YOU TO USE THESE LETTERS AND PICTURES FROM KRYSTINA TO ME IS NOT RIGHT - YOU LOST THE FAMILY HERE ON YOUR CHOICE AND YOUR PROMISES AND LIES - AND WHAT GARY THINKS IS YOU ALLOWING KRYSTINA TO COME FOR A VISIT I TOLD HIM TO BE PREPARED FOR ANOTHER PROMISE NOT FULFILLED BY YOU BECAUSE YOU AND HIM WANT TO FIGHT AND FIGHT - I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT TO STOP USING KRYSTINA WHEN U KNOW YOU AND GARY MADE YOUR CHOICES TO SEGREGATE THAT LITTLE GIRL FROM FAMILY - YOU DON'T EVEN SEE PATRICK PICKING UP MY PHONE AND CALLING HER BECAUSE OF YOU TWO - SO YOU STOP SENDING ME PICTURES - HER DADDY IS THE ONE THAT SHOULD GET THEM.
mailed on 3-25-2010
Krystina
March 25, 2010
I RECEIVED TWO LETTERS FOR TWO WEEKS FROM YOU AND SOME PICTURES YOU DID IN SCHOOL. BUT KRYSTINA I ONLY RECEIVED THOSE LETTERS BECAUSE YOUR MOM AND DAD ARE FIGHTING AND YOUR MOM IS NOW TRYING TO REEL ME INTO THE MIDDLE. EVER SINCE YOU LEFT I HAVE NEVER EVER SEEN A LETTER ADDRESSED TO YOUR DAD FROM YOU...AND NEVER HAVE I SEEN A PICTURE SENT TO HIM FROM YOU. I REFUSE TO BE PUT IN THE MIDDLE KRYSTINA AND START THE PAIN ALL OVER AGAIN. WHEN I SHOWED YOUR FATHER THE FIRST LETTER HE WAS QUITE UPSET ABOUT IT BECAUSE NOTHING WAS INCLUDED IN IT FOR HIM. AND THAT IS WHEN I FOUND OUT HE HADN'T SPOKEN TO YOU IN A WHILE BECAUSE YOUR MOM IS COMING UP WITH EXCUSES. I WILL NOT TAKE YOUR DADS SIDE NEITHER. BUT I KNOW HOW HE FEELS WHEN HE CALLS ON SPARE TIME FROM HIS JOB ONLY TO BE TOLD YOU AREN'T THERE OR YOUR UNABLE TO TALK OR EXCUSE AFTER EXCUSE. SO I WROTE TO YOUR MOM TO ASK HER NOT TO SEND ME ANYMORE LETTERS AND SUCH BECAUSE THEY BELONG TO YOUR DADDY AND NOT REALLY ME. SO I AM SORRY, THAT IS MY OPINION AND I HAVE TO STAY OUT OF ALL THE NONSENSE. LOVE YOU TRULY AND DEARLY AND I WAIT TO SEE YOU ONE DAY.
mailed on 3-25-2010
***Well I don't know kinda bad right......but I thought your mom wouldn't accept these letters from me without calling me....when I knew she did and accepted them as gospel that even made me madder at her. WHY DIDN'T SHE CALL AND YELL AT ME AND LET ME EXPLAIN.......she and I always did things for each other behind everyone's back.......and she knows that I would have had a damn good reason......but again my choice and I made a bad one....you daddy and mommy always fought.....constantly......it was horrible.....just like your daddy always fought with Arielle his new wife.......it was nasty on both sides......your mommy or your father can't deny that without lying.....it was a mess.....your mom deserved to find love.....your father needed to grow up some.........and the rest of us were in the middle.......so we made choices......WRONG CHOICES BUT CHOICES.....
now is this a reason to be madder then hell......yes I think so it is......do I deserve to say "I AM SORRY", yes I do......I have always been there for your mommy .... why can't i be allowed to say I am sorry.....why won't your mom give me that chance after all that she has seen me do for her....... does she not remember how many times I backed her up.......does she not remember that I brought her home after her mom kicked her out.....which now I know that wasn't true..... I opened my home and my heart...... I still call her my daughter-in-law.......well my ex daughter - in - law since I am sure Chad would not like me to refer to her like that......I WANT TO SAY I AM SORRY TO YOU KAYTI........i still don't deserve contact with Krystina.......I know that......but I need to do this....... to be allowed to one day to come to your home town and see you both........and if this is what you want a begging then you have it....... I AM BEGGING......
This is me Krystina asking and begging for forgiveness....... I hope one day you will allow me to say I am sorry to you when you grow up..... I wait for you everyday I am breathing and I am a stupid person sometimes......but I want your to know that I am humble in my mistakes that I make.......I always wanted to be a grandma and I have always loved you............but you must learn that people make mistakes and sometimes they can be big ones......just remember to say "I am sorry" and to accept the "I am sorry's" .....I give you complete permission to make a person suffer......its called for because we are humans........we like to see a person suffer for hurting one's feelings.......but suffering is one thing holding back forgiveness is another.......
I love you both.......I have made my share of mistakes......I don't need to have you here living in this state to love......I always wanted you both to be happy....... that was the main goal of you two leaving is to be happy.....you have found that happiness....and I am ecstatic to see you found it..... I love that you have another daughter by a man that I hope treats you like you deserve Kayti......and I am glad to see you in pictures Krystina happy and healthy.......do I want my son to have a relationship with you that is happy and healthy.....not going to deny that......you always deserved more then what Gary dished out...... but thats me ......I won't push it.....no I don't think I would ....... so no worries there.........BUT I LOVE YOU ......AND WANT TO SAY I AM SORRY.....
love always your grandmother.........
August 17, 2013
Copies of letters are preserved in album for you to see
Grandma and Grandpa,
I love you! I miss you ! I love you the mostest. I won't forget your a part of me I promise. My birthday was so much fum. I went to Chuck E Cheese and was there all day! I got to dance with him and he gave me a crown. I got a computer and I play with it all the time. I learn my ABC's and #'s. I got your letter today, I will put it with my books.
Krystina
***Now grant you that was the last letter I received and some pictures which I still have....that was the package I got with nothing in it for your father. That was the start of your daddy feeling bad and I chose to back out of calling and such so to not be in the middle of this mess. My mistake was that I should have told your daddy to handle it. But I felt so bad. And it was coming down to sticking up for your dad when I always took your mom side for everything. My only comfort for me when she got the two letters I sent one for you and one for her was that I thought your mom would read the letter and say to herself this isn't MyLinh let me call her and talk to her about this. As I would have done for your mom in the past when your daddy and her fought to get her side. Especially when I had such a heart to heart about her leaving and wishing her the best and to find that love that deserves her. I gave her my blessings on going and told her I LOVED HER.....but she never called me and I allowed it to go on. I even thought throwing the money in there she would say "wait a minute she closed out that for me, and owing her" then she would call pissed off about that....then I could explain that it's not me but Gary wanting his mother to be behind him for a time.....It made me angry that she never gave me that chance like I always stood behind her she NEVER CALLED......so I am stuck with choices that I made thinking your mom would say thats not her. So this letter went next to your mom and you.......
Kayti
PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME PICTURES AND LETTERS FROM KRYSTINA BECAUSE GARY AND YOU WANT TO FIGHT AND WITHHOLD KRYSTINA FROM HIM - WHERE HE IS UNABLE TO TALK TO HIS DAUGHTER - SO HE ENDS UP GIVING UP - BECAUSE THAT IS BASICALLY WHAT YOU AND GARY MADE ME DO IS GIVE UP - I REFUSE TO ALLOW YOU TO PUT ME IN THE MIDDLE - EVER SINCE YOU LEFT I HAVEN'T SEEN A LETTER TO HER FATHER OR PICTURES SENT TO HIM AND NOW YOU ARE SENDING THEM TO ME - VERY UNFAIR AND NASTY - YOU HAVE TURNED INTO A PERSON THAT I DON'T LIKE BY YOUR LYING AND THAT INCLUDES THE MONEY YOU OWE PATRICK AND ME - AND FOR YOU TO USE THESE LETTERS AND PICTURES FROM KRYSTINA TO ME IS NOT RIGHT - YOU LOST THE FAMILY HERE ON YOUR CHOICE AND YOUR PROMISES AND LIES - AND WHAT GARY THINKS IS YOU ALLOWING KRYSTINA TO COME FOR A VISIT I TOLD HIM TO BE PREPARED FOR ANOTHER PROMISE NOT FULFILLED BY YOU BECAUSE YOU AND HIM WANT TO FIGHT AND FIGHT - I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT TO STOP USING KRYSTINA WHEN U KNOW YOU AND GARY MADE YOUR CHOICES TO SEGREGATE THAT LITTLE GIRL FROM FAMILY - YOU DON'T EVEN SEE PATRICK PICKING UP MY PHONE AND CALLING HER BECAUSE OF YOU TWO - SO YOU STOP SENDING ME PICTURES - HER DADDY IS THE ONE THAT SHOULD GET THEM.
mailed on 3-25-2010
Krystina
March 25, 2010
I RECEIVED TWO LETTERS FOR TWO WEEKS FROM YOU AND SOME PICTURES YOU DID IN SCHOOL. BUT KRYSTINA I ONLY RECEIVED THOSE LETTERS BECAUSE YOUR MOM AND DAD ARE FIGHTING AND YOUR MOM IS NOW TRYING TO REEL ME INTO THE MIDDLE. EVER SINCE YOU LEFT I HAVE NEVER EVER SEEN A LETTER ADDRESSED TO YOUR DAD FROM YOU...AND NEVER HAVE I SEEN A PICTURE SENT TO HIM FROM YOU. I REFUSE TO BE PUT IN THE MIDDLE KRYSTINA AND START THE PAIN ALL OVER AGAIN. WHEN I SHOWED YOUR FATHER THE FIRST LETTER HE WAS QUITE UPSET ABOUT IT BECAUSE NOTHING WAS INCLUDED IN IT FOR HIM. AND THAT IS WHEN I FOUND OUT HE HADN'T SPOKEN TO YOU IN A WHILE BECAUSE YOUR MOM IS COMING UP WITH EXCUSES. I WILL NOT TAKE YOUR DADS SIDE NEITHER. BUT I KNOW HOW HE FEELS WHEN HE CALLS ON SPARE TIME FROM HIS JOB ONLY TO BE TOLD YOU AREN'T THERE OR YOUR UNABLE TO TALK OR EXCUSE AFTER EXCUSE. SO I WROTE TO YOUR MOM TO ASK HER NOT TO SEND ME ANYMORE LETTERS AND SUCH BECAUSE THEY BELONG TO YOUR DADDY AND NOT REALLY ME. SO I AM SORRY, THAT IS MY OPINION AND I HAVE TO STAY OUT OF ALL THE NONSENSE. LOVE YOU TRULY AND DEARLY AND I WAIT TO SEE YOU ONE DAY.
mailed on 3-25-2010
***Well I don't know kinda bad right......but I thought your mom wouldn't accept these letters from me without calling me....when I knew she did and accepted them as gospel that even made me madder at her. WHY DIDN'T SHE CALL AND YELL AT ME AND LET ME EXPLAIN.......she and I always did things for each other behind everyone's back.......and she knows that I would have had a damn good reason......but again my choice and I made a bad one....you daddy and mommy always fought.....constantly......it was horrible.....just like your daddy always fought with Arielle his new wife.......it was nasty on both sides......your mommy or your father can't deny that without lying.....it was a mess.....your mom deserved to find love.....your father needed to grow up some.........and the rest of us were in the middle.......so we made choices......WRONG CHOICES BUT CHOICES.....
now is this a reason to be madder then hell......yes I think so it is......do I deserve to say "I AM SORRY", yes I do......I have always been there for your mommy .... why can't i be allowed to say I am sorry.....why won't your mom give me that chance after all that she has seen me do for her....... does she not remember how many times I backed her up.......does she not remember that I brought her home after her mom kicked her out.....which now I know that wasn't true..... I opened my home and my heart...... I still call her my daughter-in-law.......well my ex daughter - in - law since I am sure Chad would not like me to refer to her like that......I WANT TO SAY I AM SORRY TO YOU KAYTI........i still don't deserve contact with Krystina.......I know that......but I need to do this....... to be allowed to one day to come to your home town and see you both........and if this is what you want a begging then you have it....... I AM BEGGING......
This is me Krystina asking and begging for forgiveness....... I hope one day you will allow me to say I am sorry to you when you grow up..... I wait for you everyday I am breathing and I am a stupid person sometimes......but I want your to know that I am humble in my mistakes that I make.......I always wanted to be a grandma and I have always loved you............but you must learn that people make mistakes and sometimes they can be big ones......just remember to say "I am sorry" and to accept the "I am sorry's" .....I give you complete permission to make a person suffer......its called for because we are humans........we like to see a person suffer for hurting one's feelings.......but suffering is one thing holding back forgiveness is another.......
I love you both.......I have made my share of mistakes......I don't need to have you here living in this state to love......I always wanted you both to be happy....... that was the main goal of you two leaving is to be happy.....you have found that happiness....and I am ecstatic to see you found it..... I love that you have another daughter by a man that I hope treats you like you deserve Kayti......and I am glad to see you in pictures Krystina happy and healthy.......do I want my son to have a relationship with you that is happy and healthy.....not going to deny that......you always deserved more then what Gary dished out...... but thats me ......I won't push it.....no I don't think I would ....... so no worries there.........BUT I LOVE YOU ......AND WANT TO SAY I AM SORRY.....
love always your grandmother.........
August 17, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mothers Day 2013
 |
| May 2013......Mother Day......Lonnie and Me |
 |
| May 2013 - Mothers Day with Jason and Patrick and Me |
Well Mothers Day is today on May 12, 2013 and my sons are taking me out to
breakfast and buying me a new rose bush to replace the one that died.
Jason and Patrick seem to know that I like simple. Nothing fancy but the
acknowledgement of a mom. It's special when you get a card they made just
for you, or a smile saying "I love you" in the middle of the day when you
are having a bad week. But what is special to me is that you can look at
your children and say I am happy that they are safe, good and grown up.
2 out of 3 is the best odds I can come out with, they are all good and
safe but I have two out of three here to celebrate Mother's Day with.
Gary doesn't contact me and I don't contact him. It's both of our
choices in life. He needs to do him and I will do me. Does it make me
sad? Maybe for a moment but then I look at the other two and say at
least I have two that show the respect of their upbringing. They give
their love freely and don't take it back as a weapon to hurt you.
Nothing is perfect and whomever says it is are just plain crazy.
I turn 45 years old on Tuesday, May 14th and I have a week of planned fun
for myself. I am cutting my hair and donating it to "Locks of Love" and
going red and short. I have a shopping spree to do on Wednesday and a
party my husband plans on Thursday. Probably a get to together but I am
hoping he is inviting some of my favorite people. I plan to bring in 45
with what I want to do and hopefully have the people around that will love
me for another year. I have a good job that I am happy with. I have
friends and family. I gave up smoking two months ago with cigerettes and
I plan on giving up my other vice on May 14th. So everything is good. I
have pictures of my granddaughter and her new sister Zoey. And I can see
Kayti and her husband are happy. I am blessed. I have a new outlook on
life that I want to achieve this next coming year and I have to stay with
the course. My mom is doing the best she can. And I am doing the best I
can when it comes to her. Not going to go all out for her because I am
sorry but I don't need the drama or the let down from her anymore in my
life. I have gotten the people I want in my life and the people out of my
life that just don't give a damn. I am becoming a grown up in many ways.
Patrick is done with his first year of college. And I am going to watch
 |
| May 2013 - Mothers Day breakfast with Jason, Patrick, and me |
Jason come to terms with his future. Dan is gone to the Phillipines. And
Lonnie is here with us. Patrick has made some kind of peace toward Dan
but he knows I am still his favorite. LOL.
So everything is good. Do I have regrets, of course I do. Can I fix
them. Probably not. But am I going to let myself be brought down because
of it. No way in hell. I am happy and at peace, I have been for some
time now. I am just going to carry it with me. Wait for the good to come
and the dreams to come true. Everyone is where they should be for the
moment and the future looks good.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Krystina Lucille's Birthday
Hi Krystina
Well its your birthday again....another year has gone by. I have been so
busy little one. Your great grandmother (my mother) had a stroke in
February. And she is in a rehabilitation center. She can't move her left
side. So she has to learn how to walk. I didn't see her in the beginning
because of course your grandmother and I wasn't talking. But I have begun
to see her. She is doing as well as can be expected. And her birthday
just passed on March 15th. But that is your great grandmother. I wish
you can see her again. But she may come out of this and she may not. We
will have to wait and see. Yet it is your birthday and you are so much on
my mind. I wonder with this happening to my mother if it happened to me
would I get to see you again one last time. Maybe and maybe not.
You were born on Saint Patrick's Day. So you were born with luck on your
side. Thats what I like to say. Gave up smoking Cigs. After 20 or more
years I don't smoke cigs. I am so proud of myself. I have again started
to go to church and studying the bible. And I have your grandfather in
studies to. Still haven't spoken with your father and don't really know
when that might change. Not in a hurry to do that. I know you have a
sister and I am so hoping you are enjoying the role of being a big sister.
I am sure you are being the best big sister. I enjoy the pics I do get
to see of you. It makes me sad but its something. You are growing up so
quickly I just wish you would hurry and do so. Because maybe you will
find me or your mom will bring you for a visit. The bigger you get the
more of a chance I will get to see you again.
Well another year passed and I will put in my standard deposit for your
birthday. I love you dear child. Grow up soon and hopefully we will see
each other again.
Love always,
Grandma
Well its your birthday again....another year has gone by. I have been so
busy little one. Your great grandmother (my mother) had a stroke in
February. And she is in a rehabilitation center. She can't move her left
side. So she has to learn how to walk. I didn't see her in the beginning
because of course your grandmother and I wasn't talking. But I have begun
to see her. She is doing as well as can be expected. And her birthday
just passed on March 15th. But that is your great grandmother. I wish
you can see her again. But she may come out of this and she may not. We
will have to wait and see. Yet it is your birthday and you are so much on
my mind. I wonder with this happening to my mother if it happened to me
would I get to see you again one last time. Maybe and maybe not.
You were born on Saint Patrick's Day. So you were born with luck on your
side. Thats what I like to say. Gave up smoking Cigs. After 20 or more
years I don't smoke cigs. I am so proud of myself. I have again started
to go to church and studying the bible. And I have your grandfather in
studies to. Still haven't spoken with your father and don't really know
when that might change. Not in a hurry to do that. I know you have a
sister and I am so hoping you are enjoying the role of being a big sister.
I am sure you are being the best big sister. I enjoy the pics I do get
to see of you. It makes me sad but its something. You are growing up so
quickly I just wish you would hurry and do so. Because maybe you will
find me or your mom will bring you for a visit. The bigger you get the
more of a chance I will get to see you again.
Well another year passed and I will put in my standard deposit for your
birthday. I love you dear child. Grow up soon and hopefully we will see
each other again.
Love always,
Grandma
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Dysfunctional Story.....My Family memories
There are many many shattered families out there. And I am part of one.
I am part of a big group that shares DNA but really nothing else but
that. We don't get together for the holidays or birthdays not because we
live so far away from each other. It's not because we don't love each
other (i am hopping that's not the case), its because we can't be around
each other. A therapist would have a field day with this family. They
would be rich beyond their dreams getting my family on the couch.
I guess my sentimental and memories are washing over me because my mom is
in the hospital and she had a mild stroke. We haven't been speaking but
that's nothing new in our relationship. If I don't please her in my
appearance or don't tell her what she wants to hear then she gets angry
and tells me to never come back. The last time she did that I walked away
knowing I would not walk back into her life without a fight. Because it
was always me that bent to her wishes no matter what and I became the
daughter always wanting her mothers love. After that last fight I didn't
want to be that weak person anymore. And it's been fine. It still is fine
with me. Besides getting beat up physically I was always beat up
emotionally too. Always trying to please and getting kicked around for
that. The more I tried the more I got socked in the face.
My memories go to beatings from my father and my mom never stopping him.
2x4's were used, belts were used, and slaps with my fathers huge hands
were used. Maybe not 2x4's but being a little girl that wood looked big
to me. There was something about me that didn't fit. My grandmother saw
it. I remember hearing her telling someone that she didn't understand why
her son and wife were the hardest on me. I remember her protecting me by
hiding be behind her so my father couldn't reach me for punishment. I
loved my grandmother she was my protector. When she would leave I knew
that the punishment would be hard and fast because she wasn't around to
protect me. Somehow memories of my Cousin Laurie is in my mind to as my
protector. It's like when she was around she voiced her opinion about dad
or mom being nicer to me. Till she left too. But I remember my dad
telling me I would never be like her. He wouldn't allow it. Just a mess.
I don't seem to have good memories of love in my household at all. Only
when my grandmother or cousin was around I felt protected.
I remember the Bochecchio family. How we went over to their home. So
full of love. Toys and love and how I envied Robbie and Valerie. I
wanted to be a part of their family so badly. Angie and Bob their parents
were always loving with hugs and kisses and I loved their lives. Maybe
stuff happened behind closed doors there also. But in my child's eyes I
saw love. And I never wanted to leave. But the minute we left how was I
the one always in trouble. How is it that something I did or said got me
in trouble. Never understood it. Never wanted to leave when it was time
because I knew I was always in trouble. What did I do? I could never
remember how not picking up a toy or saying I wanted to stay was not
allowed. How did that get me a beating or the silent treatment or a
lecture.
When my grandmother died I remember that day. I was in Florida, in the
family room at the house in Tealwood Cove. I heard the news and the
scream that came from the bottom of my soul was an inhuman sound. I
remember not having anyone come and comfort me. I knew my protector was
gone. I knew that the last thing she said to me was my only comfort. She
said, "I love you." That was when I saw her last on the last trip to
Florida and then its like I blinked and she was gone forever. So simple
but the most heartfelt. No more grandmother. No more cousin because she
was in New York. No more protection.
So now dad is leaving. Now my mom is stepping up not as a mother. But
lots and lots of anger. Beatings, humiliation, and never love. Met a
family. They took the place of my protectors. Don't even know why? The
Dowlings. I don't know what they saw. I don't know if in my mind if I
just felt protected when they were around. I liked them. I liked being
in their presence. But then we moved.
I remember a sister, Christine, I remember her face cringes when my mother
was in a rage about me. It's like she had my grandmother's spirit in her
trying to deflect my mothers rage toward me by being that perfect girl my
mother wanted so badly that she would leave me alone. Something shattered
in me the day she dies. The other half of my soul. My grandmothers death
took half and my sister took the other half from me. That was the time my
mother told me that she should have drowned me at birth. Because her
perfect daughter was gone and it was my fault. So that is my fault and my
burden that it wasn't me. Only one time I remember Christine being
spanked and I say spanked because it wasn't one of my beatings but spanked
and Christine ran to hide and I sat next to her saying that I would always
protect her if it ever got worse but I would always take the worst from
her. She hugged me and smiled and we went outside. I can honestly say
that I lived with that knowledge for the longest time that if it was me
everyone may have been happier. I feel right now a twinge of that guilt
but I don't think honestly that my mother has ever gotten over being left
me when Christine was gone. A lot more words were said, and a lot more
anger but to put it done right now would make me so very sad and I would
have to bring the honesty up front that I still absolutely feel like I was
a wasted life when my sister might have and could have made my mom a
loving person instead of having me as a reminder that she was left me.
Now Pembrook Drive house. A house of horrors for me. Not only was I
being beaten and humiliated in the house. I was being bullied outside the
house too. Joseph and Dominick were like the golden children, oh they had
their shares of trouble when it came to mom. But I was the scapegoat more
often then not. Not their faults. It was me. That's how I grew up.
Never pretty enough. Never good enough. Never loved enough. I was never
taught about hygiene, I was never talked to about boys, I was thrown into
the garage to live for a couple of months. Beaten because a dirty dish
was left in the sink, woken up in the middle of the night and having
knives thrown at me.The boys were told to beat me. Not with just a belt
but the buckle of a belt. I remember my mom telling me I was ugly
constantly. That I had freckles because I never washed my face. I
remember wanting to die. I remember all the kids making fum of me. How
they called me "flat face" or "Chinese chipmunk". I was Vietnamese and
stupid and ugly. So my mom was right. Others saw it, I remember the
beatings I took from classmates. I don't ever ever remember my mom
sticking up for me. Going down to the school and telling them off. I
remember her saying that's life and you have to live with it.
I remember being rapped by one of the men in my mothers life. I didn't
know it then. But right now at this moment I know she sent that man to
me, to pick me up in a van to take away my virginity and to drop me back
off humiliated. I remember going on my annual summer visit to NY and
thinking I was pregnant the whole summer, I had no one to ask about that.
Can I prove it. No. Can I sit here and say in this one paragraph I know
its true. NO! But its my feelings. This one paragraph is my truth.
Because after this happened she always accused me of sleeping with one of
her boyfriends. And that wasn't right. Because her boyfriends never
talked to me never came near me. Never made me feel sexually wanted. But
she always accused me of sleeping with them.
So I tried killing myself. Hell couldn't even do that right. My mom told
me do it right if your going to do it. Then she slapped me. So I tried 7
or more times. And that disappointed my mom the most. At this time my
sister was gone. My life was a nightmare that I couldn't get out of. So
off to my father I go. Then wonderful new world of California.
Life in California with my dad. Something can be said for freedom. My
father wasn't hitting me anymore he just had a indifference toward me. I
thought he was just being easy on me. Giving me freedom and being quiet
about it. He put me in therapy and I didn't say a word in those therapy
sessions. I was frightened to put my truths out there for someone else to
judge that it was all me. But my father didn't acknowledge anything from
my upbringing to me neither. So lets keep silent and quiet and just be a
good daughter. I took his car for joyrides, he caught me but didn't beat
me for it. I got a ticket for jaywalking and he stuck up for me. I grew
unafraid of my dad. I grew to love him in my silent ways. He met someone
he loved, so he left me alone a lot. Fine with me I was finding my own
way. I was finding love. I wanted my boyfriends love. I found myself
and I didn't. Does that make sense? I have one memory that frightened me
some but I still have to put that in perspective to bring that forward.
Maybe I was imagining things wanting to see the worst on that memory. But
that one memory made me feel very uncomfortable and that is the only
memory I question. But stupid me was still unsettled. We moved in with
Kathy and her daughter. Elena had the friends, had the mother who loved
her. I knew Kathy liked me. I stayed quiet. I didn't cause any trouble.
She was kind to me. But living together with a family that gave me
freedom and didn't beat me maybe I was good enough to go back home now to
my own mother and get her love. I longed to be back with my mom. Like
Elena had her own mom. Stupid me. Stupid stupid stupid. What might have
I done if I stayed put. I went right back into my nightmare except now I
was to big to be beaten. But I still was so open to it emotionally.
That's it for right now. So much more to bring forth. But I don't know
when this will continue but right now I need to think and rest my head.
When the memories come they come in spurts. Right now they are coming to
fast for me to handle. And this is it for tonight.
MyLinh
I am part of a big group that shares DNA but really nothing else but
that. We don't get together for the holidays or birthdays not because we
live so far away from each other. It's not because we don't love each
other (i am hopping that's not the case), its because we can't be around
each other. A therapist would have a field day with this family. They
would be rich beyond their dreams getting my family on the couch.
I guess my sentimental and memories are washing over me because my mom is
in the hospital and she had a mild stroke. We haven't been speaking but
that's nothing new in our relationship. If I don't please her in my
appearance or don't tell her what she wants to hear then she gets angry
and tells me to never come back. The last time she did that I walked away
knowing I would not walk back into her life without a fight. Because it
was always me that bent to her wishes no matter what and I became the
daughter always wanting her mothers love. After that last fight I didn't
want to be that weak person anymore. And it's been fine. It still is fine
with me. Besides getting beat up physically I was always beat up
emotionally too. Always trying to please and getting kicked around for
that. The more I tried the more I got socked in the face.
My memories go to beatings from my father and my mom never stopping him.
2x4's were used, belts were used, and slaps with my fathers huge hands
were used. Maybe not 2x4's but being a little girl that wood looked big
to me. There was something about me that didn't fit. My grandmother saw
it. I remember hearing her telling someone that she didn't understand why
her son and wife were the hardest on me. I remember her protecting me by
hiding be behind her so my father couldn't reach me for punishment. I
loved my grandmother she was my protector. When she would leave I knew
that the punishment would be hard and fast because she wasn't around to
protect me. Somehow memories of my Cousin Laurie is in my mind to as my
protector. It's like when she was around she voiced her opinion about dad
or mom being nicer to me. Till she left too. But I remember my dad
telling me I would never be like her. He wouldn't allow it. Just a mess.
I don't seem to have good memories of love in my household at all. Only
when my grandmother or cousin was around I felt protected.
I remember the Bochecchio family. How we went over to their home. So
full of love. Toys and love and how I envied Robbie and Valerie. I
wanted to be a part of their family so badly. Angie and Bob their parents
were always loving with hugs and kisses and I loved their lives. Maybe
stuff happened behind closed doors there also. But in my child's eyes I
saw love. And I never wanted to leave. But the minute we left how was I
the one always in trouble. How is it that something I did or said got me
in trouble. Never understood it. Never wanted to leave when it was time
because I knew I was always in trouble. What did I do? I could never
remember how not picking up a toy or saying I wanted to stay was not
allowed. How did that get me a beating or the silent treatment or a
lecture.
When my grandmother died I remember that day. I was in Florida, in the
family room at the house in Tealwood Cove. I heard the news and the
scream that came from the bottom of my soul was an inhuman sound. I
remember not having anyone come and comfort me. I knew my protector was
gone. I knew that the last thing she said to me was my only comfort. She
said, "I love you." That was when I saw her last on the last trip to
Florida and then its like I blinked and she was gone forever. So simple
but the most heartfelt. No more grandmother. No more cousin because she
was in New York. No more protection.
So now dad is leaving. Now my mom is stepping up not as a mother. But
lots and lots of anger. Beatings, humiliation, and never love. Met a
family. They took the place of my protectors. Don't even know why? The
Dowlings. I don't know what they saw. I don't know if in my mind if I
just felt protected when they were around. I liked them. I liked being
in their presence. But then we moved.
I remember a sister, Christine, I remember her face cringes when my mother
was in a rage about me. It's like she had my grandmother's spirit in her
trying to deflect my mothers rage toward me by being that perfect girl my
mother wanted so badly that she would leave me alone. Something shattered
in me the day she dies. The other half of my soul. My grandmothers death
took half and my sister took the other half from me. That was the time my
mother told me that she should have drowned me at birth. Because her
perfect daughter was gone and it was my fault. So that is my fault and my
burden that it wasn't me. Only one time I remember Christine being
spanked and I say spanked because it wasn't one of my beatings but spanked
and Christine ran to hide and I sat next to her saying that I would always
protect her if it ever got worse but I would always take the worst from
her. She hugged me and smiled and we went outside. I can honestly say
that I lived with that knowledge for the longest time that if it was me
everyone may have been happier. I feel right now a twinge of that guilt
but I don't think honestly that my mother has ever gotten over being left
me when Christine was gone. A lot more words were said, and a lot more
anger but to put it done right now would make me so very sad and I would
have to bring the honesty up front that I still absolutely feel like I was
a wasted life when my sister might have and could have made my mom a
loving person instead of having me as a reminder that she was left me.
Now Pembrook Drive house. A house of horrors for me. Not only was I
being beaten and humiliated in the house. I was being bullied outside the
house too. Joseph and Dominick were like the golden children, oh they had
their shares of trouble when it came to mom. But I was the scapegoat more
often then not. Not their faults. It was me. That's how I grew up.
Never pretty enough. Never good enough. Never loved enough. I was never
taught about hygiene, I was never talked to about boys, I was thrown into
the garage to live for a couple of months. Beaten because a dirty dish
was left in the sink, woken up in the middle of the night and having
knives thrown at me.The boys were told to beat me. Not with just a belt
but the buckle of a belt. I remember my mom telling me I was ugly
constantly. That I had freckles because I never washed my face. I
remember wanting to die. I remember all the kids making fum of me. How
they called me "flat face" or "Chinese chipmunk". I was Vietnamese and
stupid and ugly. So my mom was right. Others saw it, I remember the
beatings I took from classmates. I don't ever ever remember my mom
sticking up for me. Going down to the school and telling them off. I
remember her saying that's life and you have to live with it.
I remember being rapped by one of the men in my mothers life. I didn't
know it then. But right now at this moment I know she sent that man to
me, to pick me up in a van to take away my virginity and to drop me back
off humiliated. I remember going on my annual summer visit to NY and
thinking I was pregnant the whole summer, I had no one to ask about that.
Can I prove it. No. Can I sit here and say in this one paragraph I know
its true. NO! But its my feelings. This one paragraph is my truth.
Because after this happened she always accused me of sleeping with one of
her boyfriends. And that wasn't right. Because her boyfriends never
talked to me never came near me. Never made me feel sexually wanted. But
she always accused me of sleeping with them.
So I tried killing myself. Hell couldn't even do that right. My mom told
me do it right if your going to do it. Then she slapped me. So I tried 7
or more times. And that disappointed my mom the most. At this time my
sister was gone. My life was a nightmare that I couldn't get out of. So
off to my father I go. Then wonderful new world of California.
Life in California with my dad. Something can be said for freedom. My
father wasn't hitting me anymore he just had a indifference toward me. I
thought he was just being easy on me. Giving me freedom and being quiet
about it. He put me in therapy and I didn't say a word in those therapy
sessions. I was frightened to put my truths out there for someone else to
judge that it was all me. But my father didn't acknowledge anything from
my upbringing to me neither. So lets keep silent and quiet and just be a
good daughter. I took his car for joyrides, he caught me but didn't beat
me for it. I got a ticket for jaywalking and he stuck up for me. I grew
unafraid of my dad. I grew to love him in my silent ways. He met someone
he loved, so he left me alone a lot. Fine with me I was finding my own
way. I was finding love. I wanted my boyfriends love. I found myself
and I didn't. Does that make sense? I have one memory that frightened me
some but I still have to put that in perspective to bring that forward.
Maybe I was imagining things wanting to see the worst on that memory. But
that one memory made me feel very uncomfortable and that is the only
memory I question. But stupid me was still unsettled. We moved in with
Kathy and her daughter. Elena had the friends, had the mother who loved
her. I knew Kathy liked me. I stayed quiet. I didn't cause any trouble.
She was kind to me. But living together with a family that gave me
freedom and didn't beat me maybe I was good enough to go back home now to
my own mother and get her love. I longed to be back with my mom. Like
Elena had her own mom. Stupid me. Stupid stupid stupid. What might have
I done if I stayed put. I went right back into my nightmare except now I
was to big to be beaten. But I still was so open to it emotionally.
That's it for right now. So much more to bring forth. But I don't know
when this will continue but right now I need to think and rest my head.
When the memories come they come in spurts. Right now they are coming to
fast for me to handle. And this is it for tonight.
MyLinh
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