Dearest Krystina,
I don't know why I am writing you this letter right now because there is a letter I wanted to write my mother tonight. But I have to get my thoughts together about your great grandmother before I write the letter. Why? Well because your great grandmother tried killing herself today (August 19th). And I have a lot of thoughts swimming in my head. I tried putting it into this blog but its rambling right now. Not sadness about it but anger. Strange to you right that your great grandmother tried killing herself and I am not sad about it but angry. I know it is for me to right now. So I changed the heading of this blog to a letter to you. Maybe because since you don't know about this part of the family I feel like I have to tell you a couple of things before I can concentrate on my mom.
I love you Krystina. No one can deny my love for you. I am angry about the situation that I put myself in that I can not talk to you. But I was happy with the pictures I have been getting. Your mom responded to Patrick recently and even if I was totally thrilled with the response and that she acknowledged Patrick it was the same thing "your mom did wrong" and this and that. Don't think its a quote because its not. Your mom was right. But I want and need her to forgive me. I was an idiot and I can't say that enough. But I will continue on with writing you these letters because its all I have in life for you. I can feel like I am giving you an insight of this part of the family. Not all the rosy and uplifting stuff but the whole picture. I guess its because of my mom's and my relationship that I thought if I was the opposite I would always have family that at least respected me and loved me enough to know that fights and disagreements happen but family was important. But I don't even have that do I.
How can I explain to you in a letter the love I have for you. How can I tell you that one mistake a person might make shouldn't define a relationship. Because if I sit here and add up the mistakes my mom has made toward family she deserves my anger. Yet I know your moms angry with me and I deserve that, but I have to say I thought the good I did for her would outweigh the bad I may have done with taking sides, one time. So can I say all the beatings my mom gave me, the humiliations, and the unsaid words aren't forgivable for my mom. I have to forgive my mom and I thought I did. There was a "come to Jesus" moment for my mom and myself and I told her I can forgive but I can't forget. And I want that with your mom to. But do I have the right to ask for that. I can say "yes" for selfish reasons. I can list the reasons why I deserve at least a pass for ignorance. But its all up to your mom isn't it and it doesn't look like I will get that anytime soon. So I will keep writing these letters to you. I will continue saying how I love you and I hope to continue getting pictures of you.
If Krystina you read this after my passing and we never get a chance to see each other again, know one thing I was and am a passionate person in love and life. You were born and my life as a grandmother was to begin. I chose to end it for reasons I have written about. And I may not get that second chance but know I always wanted that second chance. My mother may die and I may be dead when you may read the horrible things I went through with her growing up and wonder if I was anything like her. NO I AM NOTHING LIKE YOUR GREAT GRANDMOTHER. I was the opposite and tried to be the opposite. I just feel like life is short and if this doesn't have a resolution I didn't want you to grow up and get these letters and wonder about that. Forgiveness is a gift to anyone. Forgiveness is hard to do. But I understand that to.....because I may say I forgive my own mother but I don't know if I have yet. It's one of those things that needs to be done to give a person absolution, but its easier said then done. Just try Krystina, if you get these letters and I am not around to explain anything you may have questions to just remember "I only wanted to be forgiven". I have people in my life that I have to forgive to. And I realize I have to work at that myself. But I do try so hard. I do want to be that person. But stubbornness is a lot easier sometimes isn't it.
Well as usual writing you made me feel better some. I LOVE YOU LITTLE ONE. And this letter is important to me for you as all of them are. I read stories all the time parents leaving their children videos or letters because they know they are dying and want them to have a little something of themselves. I started writing thinking its a way to keep you in the loop and we would meet again. But with life as it is I could die tomorrow and now these letters have become more important to me. And those pictures I get are even more precious to me.
Krystina I am going to end this letter. Its a little sappy and sad. Its a true reflection on the day I am having. I just can't let this sit and lie and not know that there is a chance you won't read these letters till after I am dead and gone. They are important to me. You are important to me. Your mom is important to me. My boys are important to me. Lonnie is important to me. My friends are important to me. I left these letters with several people that will find you and give them to you if I am gone. I just hope that I am here for you to curse or yell at or to ask questions to. But if not, that's what life is all about the old leaving and the new starting out.
Love Your Grandmother
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