I am having one of those days. Just one of those days that you wonder if anything is worth it. It started with my husband telling me how the job is going to change the payouts. Just when I am ready to get the roof done. Another $7000.00 spent and needed to get that roof done. Have the money but do I want to be in debt to do that. Another grandchild coming into the world and then I realize I am in another state so this grandchild isn't really going to know me much neither, so I am a little sad for that. And then another one of my sons is being a jerk by blaming me how he can't pay his bills. So my girlfriend is now getting letters on him. So many years he wasn't being charged much and he says since he had to pay me rent, at $100.00 or $200.00, and the motorcycle (at 216.00), he couldn't pay his student loans. Are you kidding me I know how much you make dumb ass.
So once again another child owes me money and I am the one getting in debt. All a big joke on me right. I guess it is. So now I am sad and worried and crying because I just feel like I am the shit hole for everyone to shit on. So Jason wants to say I am going to block you from calling me because paying you rent caused me to be behind. Asshole!!!!!!!!!!!! But yet wants to use my things whenever he thinks he can. Wrong jerk, PAY YOUR BILLS.
How do you love your children and wonder why everything is your fault in life. They do come around though and that's when you can say well at least they grew up long enough to speak to you for a couple of months. Guess I am feeling like this because I get a message that I am shit and it gets me angry and then sad. Everyone that is important to me are always the ones to make me angry and sad.
I always get through it all though. I just sit back and worry about each one of them. Gary grew up, has a wife and has a child on the way. Jason hates me but its his turn to do so. And Patrick is just Patrick. He doesn't seem to take a turn in anything his brothers do. He never did the teenage thing and get his ass kicked by me to straighten him up. He's never taken from me and not given back. And he speaks to me and holds me in the highest regards. His brother Gary and his brother Jason just seem to be the opposite, they fall off and hate me for a minute then come around. I love that Gary calls me. Not often but he does, and these days when he has it's been very very nice. So him owing me money is on the back burner until his brother started acting up and then I think if I had that money I could pay my roof 95%. Or if Jason would make his monthly payment on his motorcycle, that is in my husbands name I would have an extra $200.00 a month for my husband and myself to use for something. Like making it to the baby shower. Arielle doesn't call me much but they have lives and who can blame them, that's what I wanted for them. So now its Jason's turn to get over himself and learn he will need me one day, as I am here when that happens but will be guarded like I am sometimes with Gary. I don't know how I always get the blame for the oversights in life but I guess someone has to take the blame on things. So is that a mom's job is to take the blame. Sucks big time.
So I am in just one of them moods that I am sad a child of mine can't take it when you tell them to pay their bills and to keep you out of it. Grow up and pay your bills. Don't have people calling me looking for you or my friends looking for you. You want to be an adult act like it. I have all of my life. My mother NEVER got one phone call on me not paying my bills and let me tell you I do have bills. I don't need the hassle and I deserve to have quiet in my life. I deserve it because I done raised you, so before you speak of me in a shitty way look at yourself and GROW UP. I raised you better then this. You should be a man with balls and pay your bills Jason. If you are having problems then its on you not me and my little $200.00 rent you were paying me, which I was paying your car insurance out of that so you were only paying $150.00 and I am telling you there is plenty of people that would like to pay that and vacuum a room you IDIOT.
Block me Jason I do not care, do whatever you want. Your a grown man so who can stop you. I DON'T CARE. How many months did Gary not give me a way to call him or call me. Do you think I care? Its nothing for my children to block me, it just makes life a little more quieter. And when they come around and actually say, "I am sorry" it is worth it even more. Because it shows me you have finally grown up and can say "I am sorry mom and you were right". If you can't handle your mommy calling you and saying pay your bills then you aren't a man yet, you are still an immature ASSHOLE. And hell I shouldn't have to tell you to pay your bills dumb ass. But I am, PAY YOUR BILLS.
I got it out so I feel much better. I am still sad but the tears have stopped because my children have made me cry way to often. They hurt sometimes. I can act tough and bold but they make me sad sometimes and they make me proud so much more sometimes. But its a mom's job to get mad and sad over them. Its just one of those things when you choose to be a mom. It doesn't end. You hope for the best and are sad for the worst.
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