Hi Krystina,
It's April 27, 2014 and I am writing you because heck why not. It's part of the
privileges I have to write you in this blog. It gives me enjoyment. Easter has
passed and May is coming up. I turn 46 this year in May and I am getting older,
maybe not wiser but older. This year has held a lot of ups and downs for me.
Your grandfather and I went through a moment where he wanted to go back home to
Oklahoma. I sent him on a vacation in January for his birthday and he got
homesick. His mother and his family is getting up there in age and he misses his
home state. I call Florida my home state because I have been here for so long.
And of course we have the house and I want to leave sometimes to, but Oklahoma is
not one of those places I want to live in I am afraid. It's just not one of those
states I want to live in. But we got through it and everything is better then
ever, which is weird, you have to fight it out to the death to make everything
better.
You are also going to become a big sister once again. Your dad and Arielle are
having a baby and its a boy. They are going to name him Titan. I like the name,
it's a strong name for a boy. Hopefully he lives up to his name. Your dad is growing up finally. I say "finally" because sometimes I wondered. I am proud of
him though, he is learning to be the kind person I knew he had in him. So that
makes me smile, now I call him with my worries and insecurities and he talks me
down like your Uncle Patrick does to me. I asked Patrick if he was giving Gary
lessons, and Patrick said, "No Gary is learning all by himself". And he has been
talking to me more kinder and makes a lot of sense, kinda weird right?
God I love my family, the big extended family I have out there in the world. I
think about all of you so often. Maybe it's old age, or something is around the
corner that I am leaving this world. They say when you are about to give birth
you "nest" and they say when you are about to leave the world you work at letting
people know how you feel about them. So I am writing to tell you that you are
loved. You may not know how much you are loved by me, but you are so loved by me.
I wish for you to one day know how much.
I do know I see on my blog people all over the world have read this. And I
wonder what they think of these letters to a little girl named Krystina Lucille
Tessinari. Are they all wondering how the story is going to end. Are you
actually going to google your name and see all these letters I wrote to you. Or
are you going to be delivered a package one day saying this is what your
grandmother wrote to you, and she may be gone but she didn't want you to forget
about her. It's a story with no real ending yet. You are either going to find
your dad's family or you are going to be seeked out by the world. Crazy isn't it.
Well I thought I would write you something and say I am still here waiting little
one. Keep up the good work in growing up, because the faster you grow up the
better chance I have of seeing you again.
Love you always and Forever,
Grandma
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Ashamed????
Am I ashamed because I talk sometimes like a truck driver, or that I am uneducated. No, I am not. The only time I see differences is when higher educated people look down on me and throw their education into my face. I am happy the way I am, I am honest and truthful as much as I can be and I like who I am, I fight for family and the people I love. I fought for my children, my husband, Kayti and even Arielle. I have fought and fought for many in my life. Sometimes people don't fight for me as hard as I think they should and maybe it's my expectations that can not be meet, because I have high expectations.
I still worry about becoming a grandmother again. I still like to shop at Walmart and finding bargains. The other set of grandparents may have higher taste in things but I am still that Walmart girl. Do you know I have to say that Marie never put me down for spoiling my granddaughter, she never said anything bad when I went further or outdid it. She let me do my thing, at least I don't think she ever said anything bad about it. I just loved buying for a girl and this was my chance to do it. But this set of grandparents I worry about. I am constantly worried about it. They have more means then I do and can do more. I don't begrudge them, I just don't want to have them look at me and say what a cheap person to take my daughter to Walmart to buy things for their first grandchild. Ashamed? No i am not ashamed, I just like Walmart compared to the mall. And right now times are still tough and the economy sucks and I just want to visit and see the place my son and his new wife have made a home for themselves. And to see my second grandchild.
So I am not ashamed, I just want to feel comfortable and be me. I like me, I like the person I am and I don't' care if I don't have education. I live and work hard, and I try so hard. But I will have to get over it or drive myself crazy. But I know me I will still worry about it. So I will be going to see my new grandchild in June and I can't wait. It's going to be the highlight of my year. I just hope I am accepted as me and don't have to be anyone else.
I still worry about becoming a grandmother again. I still like to shop at Walmart and finding bargains. The other set of grandparents may have higher taste in things but I am still that Walmart girl. Do you know I have to say that Marie never put me down for spoiling my granddaughter, she never said anything bad when I went further or outdid it. She let me do my thing, at least I don't think she ever said anything bad about it. I just loved buying for a girl and this was my chance to do it. But this set of grandparents I worry about. I am constantly worried about it. They have more means then I do and can do more. I don't begrudge them, I just don't want to have them look at me and say what a cheap person to take my daughter to Walmart to buy things for their first grandchild. Ashamed? No i am not ashamed, I just like Walmart compared to the mall. And right now times are still tough and the economy sucks and I just want to visit and see the place my son and his new wife have made a home for themselves. And to see my second grandchild.
So I am not ashamed, I just want to feel comfortable and be me. I like me, I like the person I am and I don't' care if I don't have education. I live and work hard, and I try so hard. But I will have to get over it or drive myself crazy. But I know me I will still worry about it. So I will be going to see my new grandchild in June and I can't wait. It's going to be the highlight of my year. I just hope I am accepted as me and don't have to be anyone else.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Patrick Birdsong
Patrick James Birdsong
Hello there my youngest son. I wrote a small note to Gary and Jason, so now it's your turn. You have this freaky ability to learn from your brothers mistakes. How the hell do you do that? What I want you to know is that you have my respect, because of that ability. Of course I am proud and I love you, as I do for your brothers. But you are respected by me also. Not saying I don't have the same for your brothers but its freaky how you can hannle things. I know your insecurities, I know your fears, yet you adapt to them. You were my quiet child. Never making waves, you are my champion. You call me out constantly on all my crap, yet unlike your brothers I agree with you. Your brothers call me out only because they get angry at me. You do it without a agenda. Not because you are mad at me or love me, but because you know I need to know. So you have my respect for being you. For learning to speak out, for the courage you have found. Thank you Patrick for learning from other people's mistakes. Following your own path in life and living a life you want with the love and respect for others. You have my respect.
Always stay like you are because you are a better person then the rest of us. And the world will know it, the people around you already know it. They say you are my favorite, you aren't you do know that. You are just the one that knows how to handle me better then anyone else. Never have you come at me with anger or nastiness. I said you call me out on my stuff, but you allow me to speak with you and to tell you when you are full of crap or to even yell. And that is why you have people thinking you are my favorite, but you are just the most respected.
Respect to you Always
Mom
Hello there my youngest son. I wrote a small note to Gary and Jason, so now it's your turn. You have this freaky ability to learn from your brothers mistakes. How the hell do you do that? What I want you to know is that you have my respect, because of that ability. Of course I am proud and I love you, as I do for your brothers. But you are respected by me also. Not saying I don't have the same for your brothers but its freaky how you can hannle things. I know your insecurities, I know your fears, yet you adapt to them. You were my quiet child. Never making waves, you are my champion. You call me out constantly on all my crap, yet unlike your brothers I agree with you. Your brothers call me out only because they get angry at me. You do it without a agenda. Not because you are mad at me or love me, but because you know I need to know. So you have my respect for being you. For learning to speak out, for the courage you have found. Thank you Patrick for learning from other people's mistakes. Following your own path in life and living a life you want with the love and respect for others. You have my respect.
Always stay like you are because you are a better person then the rest of us. And the world will know it, the people around you already know it. They say you are my favorite, you aren't you do know that. You are just the one that knows how to handle me better then anyone else. Never have you come at me with anger or nastiness. I said you call me out on my stuff, but you allow me to speak with you and to tell you when you are full of crap or to even yell. And that is why you have people thinking you are my favorite, but you are just the most respected.
Respect to you Always
Mom
Jason Birdsong
Jason Edward Birdsong
Hello it's your mom. Thought it's time to write a short note to let you know that right now today we may not be speaking but you are loved. Do I like you? Sometimes I do not like you. I don't like you at this moment. Yet you are loved. Your actions suck sometimes. You never knew what a good thing you had. At this moment you might think your actions is becoming of a man, yet it isn't. Jason you need to be out in the world to learn to appreciate the support you had. Never did I think you would drop the ball on your responsibility but you did. And it's every bodies fault but your own.
You need to find a path Jason and stick to it. You like to change paths to often and your not sticking to one path. Because if the path becomes to bumpy you give up. You are loved. What I wish for you is clarity. What I want for you is to know you are loved. You can't get through life not picking a path and trying your dam-nest to stick to it. You picked this or that in school and kept giving it up, you had to go from my home and you gave up paying your bill you are responsible for. You have to finish something Jason. Gary called me out on that years ago by saying I have to finish something. So I did by paying off a vehicle and now I am working on the house. I am calling you out on it Jason, finish something. I wanted you to know though you are loved. But its time Jason to finish something and stick to it.
Love to you Always
Mom
Hello it's your mom. Thought it's time to write a short note to let you know that right now today we may not be speaking but you are loved. Do I like you? Sometimes I do not like you. I don't like you at this moment. Yet you are loved. Your actions suck sometimes. You never knew what a good thing you had. At this moment you might think your actions is becoming of a man, yet it isn't. Jason you need to be out in the world to learn to appreciate the support you had. Never did I think you would drop the ball on your responsibility but you did. And it's every bodies fault but your own.
You need to find a path Jason and stick to it. You like to change paths to often and your not sticking to one path. Because if the path becomes to bumpy you give up. You are loved. What I wish for you is clarity. What I want for you is to know you are loved. You can't get through life not picking a path and trying your dam-nest to stick to it. You picked this or that in school and kept giving it up, you had to go from my home and you gave up paying your bill you are responsible for. You have to finish something Jason. Gary called me out on that years ago by saying I have to finish something. So I did by paying off a vehicle and now I am working on the house. I am calling you out on it Jason, finish something. I wanted you to know though you are loved. But its time Jason to finish something and stick to it.
Love to you Always
Mom
Gary Tessinari
Gary Matthew Tessinari,
Hi son. It's you mom! You are expecting your second child with Arielle, and I am thrilled for you. Having children is one of those blessings all humans should experience if they can. They are a joy, they are nerve racking, and they are trying at times. You know I have been through all of that with you. I am very proud of you, I don't say that enough. As a parent you think your children should know that automatically. But sometimes its nice to hear. Have I always been proud of your actions. HELL NO! Can I say I have never been disappointed. NO, I can not say that. Yet I am proud of you. There are some tough things you must learn in life. Like communication, and treating others with respect. But you are learning those things and it's on of those reasons why I am proud. Nothing learned is ever easy. Especially when people call you out on things. And as your mom I will always be the first one to call you out on things. It's because I want you to be a decent human being or a good husband or even a good man.
It's a part of life, and if you don't learn how to communicate then how are you going to learn respect for people. I write and thats how I communicate. It's harsh at times and its loving at times. I get angry and I get cruel, so you probably learned that from me. I can say that honestly now, I tried to give you and your brothers the capabilities to communicate but maybe I didn't teach you the proper way to do that. So I will allow that to fall on my shoulders. But Gary I didn't teach you to treat woman badly or to belittle them and you were mean, but you are learning and I am so VERY PROUD OF THAT. It's never to late to learn. I am still angry I didn't get to see you wed, that reminded me of my brother. I love and don't get to see the fruit of that love wed his wife, but I am still proud of you.
My Pride to you son Always,
Mom
Hi son. It's you mom! You are expecting your second child with Arielle, and I am thrilled for you. Having children is one of those blessings all humans should experience if they can. They are a joy, they are nerve racking, and they are trying at times. You know I have been through all of that with you. I am very proud of you, I don't say that enough. As a parent you think your children should know that automatically. But sometimes its nice to hear. Have I always been proud of your actions. HELL NO! Can I say I have never been disappointed. NO, I can not say that. Yet I am proud of you. There are some tough things you must learn in life. Like communication, and treating others with respect. But you are learning those things and it's on of those reasons why I am proud. Nothing learned is ever easy. Especially when people call you out on things. And as your mom I will always be the first one to call you out on things. It's because I want you to be a decent human being or a good husband or even a good man.
It's a part of life, and if you don't learn how to communicate then how are you going to learn respect for people. I write and thats how I communicate. It's harsh at times and its loving at times. I get angry and I get cruel, so you probably learned that from me. I can say that honestly now, I tried to give you and your brothers the capabilities to communicate but maybe I didn't teach you the proper way to do that. So I will allow that to fall on my shoulders. But Gary I didn't teach you to treat woman badly or to belittle them and you were mean, but you are learning and I am so VERY PROUD OF THAT. It's never to late to learn. I am still angry I didn't get to see you wed, that reminded me of my brother. I love and don't get to see the fruit of that love wed his wife, but I am still proud of you.
My Pride to you son Always,
Mom
Friday, April 4, 2014
Angry, sad, and just plain frustrated
I am having one of those days. Just one of those days that you wonder if anything is worth it. It started with my husband telling me how the job is going to change the payouts. Just when I am ready to get the roof done. Another $7000.00 spent and needed to get that roof done. Have the money but do I want to be in debt to do that. Another grandchild coming into the world and then I realize I am in another state so this grandchild isn't really going to know me much neither, so I am a little sad for that. And then another one of my sons is being a jerk by blaming me how he can't pay his bills. So my girlfriend is now getting letters on him. So many years he wasn't being charged much and he says since he had to pay me rent, at $100.00 or $200.00, and the motorcycle (at 216.00), he couldn't pay his student loans. Are you kidding me I know how much you make dumb ass.
So once again another child owes me money and I am the one getting in debt. All a big joke on me right. I guess it is. So now I am sad and worried and crying because I just feel like I am the shit hole for everyone to shit on. So Jason wants to say I am going to block you from calling me because paying you rent caused me to be behind. Asshole!!!!!!!!!!!! But yet wants to use my things whenever he thinks he can. Wrong jerk, PAY YOUR BILLS.
How do you love your children and wonder why everything is your fault in life. They do come around though and that's when you can say well at least they grew up long enough to speak to you for a couple of months. Guess I am feeling like this because I get a message that I am shit and it gets me angry and then sad. Everyone that is important to me are always the ones to make me angry and sad.
I always get through it all though. I just sit back and worry about each one of them. Gary grew up, has a wife and has a child on the way. Jason hates me but its his turn to do so. And Patrick is just Patrick. He doesn't seem to take a turn in anything his brothers do. He never did the teenage thing and get his ass kicked by me to straighten him up. He's never taken from me and not given back. And he speaks to me and holds me in the highest regards. His brother Gary and his brother Jason just seem to be the opposite, they fall off and hate me for a minute then come around. I love that Gary calls me. Not often but he does, and these days when he has it's been very very nice. So him owing me money is on the back burner until his brother started acting up and then I think if I had that money I could pay my roof 95%. Or if Jason would make his monthly payment on his motorcycle, that is in my husbands name I would have an extra $200.00 a month for my husband and myself to use for something. Like making it to the baby shower. Arielle doesn't call me much but they have lives and who can blame them, that's what I wanted for them. So now its Jason's turn to get over himself and learn he will need me one day, as I am here when that happens but will be guarded like I am sometimes with Gary. I don't know how I always get the blame for the oversights in life but I guess someone has to take the blame on things. So is that a mom's job is to take the blame. Sucks big time.
So I am in just one of them moods that I am sad a child of mine can't take it when you tell them to pay their bills and to keep you out of it. Grow up and pay your bills. Don't have people calling me looking for you or my friends looking for you. You want to be an adult act like it. I have all of my life. My mother NEVER got one phone call on me not paying my bills and let me tell you I do have bills. I don't need the hassle and I deserve to have quiet in my life. I deserve it because I done raised you, so before you speak of me in a shitty way look at yourself and GROW UP. I raised you better then this. You should be a man with balls and pay your bills Jason. If you are having problems then its on you not me and my little $200.00 rent you were paying me, which I was paying your car insurance out of that so you were only paying $150.00 and I am telling you there is plenty of people that would like to pay that and vacuum a room you IDIOT.
Block me Jason I do not care, do whatever you want. Your a grown man so who can stop you. I DON'T CARE. How many months did Gary not give me a way to call him or call me. Do you think I care? Its nothing for my children to block me, it just makes life a little more quieter. And when they come around and actually say, "I am sorry" it is worth it even more. Because it shows me you have finally grown up and can say "I am sorry mom and you were right". If you can't handle your mommy calling you and saying pay your bills then you aren't a man yet, you are still an immature ASSHOLE. And hell I shouldn't have to tell you to pay your bills dumb ass. But I am, PAY YOUR BILLS.
I got it out so I feel much better. I am still sad but the tears have stopped because my children have made me cry way to often. They hurt sometimes. I can act tough and bold but they make me sad sometimes and they make me proud so much more sometimes. But its a mom's job to get mad and sad over them. Its just one of those things when you choose to be a mom. It doesn't end. You hope for the best and are sad for the worst.
So once again another child owes me money and I am the one getting in debt. All a big joke on me right. I guess it is. So now I am sad and worried and crying because I just feel like I am the shit hole for everyone to shit on. So Jason wants to say I am going to block you from calling me because paying you rent caused me to be behind. Asshole!!!!!!!!!!!! But yet wants to use my things whenever he thinks he can. Wrong jerk, PAY YOUR BILLS.
How do you love your children and wonder why everything is your fault in life. They do come around though and that's when you can say well at least they grew up long enough to speak to you for a couple of months. Guess I am feeling like this because I get a message that I am shit and it gets me angry and then sad. Everyone that is important to me are always the ones to make me angry and sad.
I always get through it all though. I just sit back and worry about each one of them. Gary grew up, has a wife and has a child on the way. Jason hates me but its his turn to do so. And Patrick is just Patrick. He doesn't seem to take a turn in anything his brothers do. He never did the teenage thing and get his ass kicked by me to straighten him up. He's never taken from me and not given back. And he speaks to me and holds me in the highest regards. His brother Gary and his brother Jason just seem to be the opposite, they fall off and hate me for a minute then come around. I love that Gary calls me. Not often but he does, and these days when he has it's been very very nice. So him owing me money is on the back burner until his brother started acting up and then I think if I had that money I could pay my roof 95%. Or if Jason would make his monthly payment on his motorcycle, that is in my husbands name I would have an extra $200.00 a month for my husband and myself to use for something. Like making it to the baby shower. Arielle doesn't call me much but they have lives and who can blame them, that's what I wanted for them. So now its Jason's turn to get over himself and learn he will need me one day, as I am here when that happens but will be guarded like I am sometimes with Gary. I don't know how I always get the blame for the oversights in life but I guess someone has to take the blame on things. So is that a mom's job is to take the blame. Sucks big time.
So I am in just one of them moods that I am sad a child of mine can't take it when you tell them to pay their bills and to keep you out of it. Grow up and pay your bills. Don't have people calling me looking for you or my friends looking for you. You want to be an adult act like it. I have all of my life. My mother NEVER got one phone call on me not paying my bills and let me tell you I do have bills. I don't need the hassle and I deserve to have quiet in my life. I deserve it because I done raised you, so before you speak of me in a shitty way look at yourself and GROW UP. I raised you better then this. You should be a man with balls and pay your bills Jason. If you are having problems then its on you not me and my little $200.00 rent you were paying me, which I was paying your car insurance out of that so you were only paying $150.00 and I am telling you there is plenty of people that would like to pay that and vacuum a room you IDIOT.
Block me Jason I do not care, do whatever you want. Your a grown man so who can stop you. I DON'T CARE. How many months did Gary not give me a way to call him or call me. Do you think I care? Its nothing for my children to block me, it just makes life a little more quieter. And when they come around and actually say, "I am sorry" it is worth it even more. Because it shows me you have finally grown up and can say "I am sorry mom and you were right". If you can't handle your mommy calling you and saying pay your bills then you aren't a man yet, you are still an immature ASSHOLE. And hell I shouldn't have to tell you to pay your bills dumb ass. But I am, PAY YOUR BILLS.
I got it out so I feel much better. I am still sad but the tears have stopped because my children have made me cry way to often. They hurt sometimes. I can act tough and bold but they make me sad sometimes and they make me proud so much more sometimes. But its a mom's job to get mad and sad over them. Its just one of those things when you choose to be a mom. It doesn't end. You hope for the best and are sad for the worst.
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