Finding One Another

Can you believe long enough for something to happen?  Or do you give up believing?  I always believe my granddaughter Krystina Lucille Tessinari will come looking for family one day.  And I have faith that it will happen.  But when the days turn into months, the months turn into years, and so on and so on you still have to keep the faith.  

Something happened this weekend that makes me keep on hoping.  I am married to Lonnie McDonald.  Been married for 10 years this last October.  I have always known about this son that Lonnie had with his 1st wife.  But right now today I won't go into what was said or done except to say Lonnie lost all contact with this woman and his child.  Well yesterday on November 18, 2012 my oldest child calls Lonnie to tell him Travis got a hold of him to get a hold of Lonnie.  And Lonnie and Travis spoke for the 1st time in 20 years.  Travis is now 23 years old, married and has a 3 year old child.  

Never have I ever seen Lonnie cry and get that emotional.  His prayers have finally been answered.  And my husband deserves it.  We knew with the technology age Travis would reconnect when he was ready or found the info that was needed to find Lonnie.  I spoke with Travis myself and that young man was thrilled.  I am happy for the both of them.  Travis and Lonnie back together again.  Way to go to the both of them.

Talking to Lonnie I know Travis might be mad at his mom.  But the past must stay in the past.  Nothing can be done for the people that separated them.  Peace and forgiveness!!!  Its important to move on.  So yesterday is a new start for my husbands life with his son he has longed for and loved.....

Krystina Lucille Tessinari

hello Krystina,

real short note tonight because my laptop has gone to computer heaven and patrick is allowing me to be on his for the moment.....just wanted to say hello and I hope you are doing well.  I think about you often and I know you are happy and loving life right now with your new life your mom and Chad are making for you.....just stay sweet and know I love you.....

Love always and forever always
Grandma

PS- for some reason I feel like your mom and Chad are loving life right now and you are totally happy and I love that feeling....stay sweet little one.....

September 13, 2012

Gary M. Tessinari.....25 years old

Dearest Gary,

So its your 25th birthday.....25 years ago you were born to a mother who didn't think she could be a mother......and maybe I was not the best mother......but here you are on the day you were born, married, and living on your own....so HAPPY BIRTHDAY ......and may you get everything you want out of life and then some.....I wanted you to always have your dreams come true....and hopefully they are....so good luck on the next year and may you live a happy life..............

Your mom

Krystina Lucille.....a precious little girl.....

Krystina Lucille,

                                       Aunt Louelle, MyLinh, Uncle Clyde, and Krystina (2008) -                                                  MAY YOU REST IN PEACE AUNT LOUELLEN (2012)            

                   

I lost a family member today and even though it's sad I did get to say goodbye this last weekend and that was special to me that I was able to do that.  Aunt Louellen was a new family member.....not someone that I grew up with but a family member that I found and loved.  She was important in bringing my step sisters together......its a long story.....one that I will share with you one day.

I just wanted to write and say that if I die one day without ever seeing you ever again it would be horrible to know I am leaving this earth without ever seeing you again....but I won't dwell on that right now....because I still have faith that I will get to see you again.....I had a dream though this week because I knew my Aunt Louellen would leave this earth that it made my dreams more vivid about you and your mom.....there would be a knock on the door and your mom and you would be standing there.....I would pick you up if you were still little enough to do that that I would give you and your mom the biggest hug in the world and I don't see myself letting go for a long while....but it was a dream and hopefully one that will come true.

What is funny is that I have a co worker that has five children and I envy the grandmother and the joy she gets from being able to be a grandmother to his children, hell to be honest I envy Grandma Marie and the time she gets to be with you, but you have to figure it may be part of a punishment I am living for allowing your mom to come and live with my family and getting to love your mom for those years that Grandma Marie didn't get.  I look back and think about what kind of grandmother I would be and have been for even that short of a time I loved a precious little girl that is growing up everyday bigger and bigger......I love you little girl and you will always be that little girl.....I have to say that I pray that Kayti and Chadwick are putting pics up every once in a while for me to see and have just to be able to see you all.  Because those pics mean so much to me in my low times and make me smile knowing you are happy and your mommy is happy......I think that is why I am at peace just knowing that your mom is happy and so are you....love them little girl and stay safe.....

So because I am a little to sentimental at this time I am going to end this letter......but know I love you a great deal...

Love always and forever,
Your Grandmother

Aunt Louellen.....you will be loved and remembered....

today I lost my Aunt Louellen, she passed at 2:00 pm today and I will always hold a special place in my heart for her....Patrick and I got to make a trip last weekend to South Carolina to visit with her because she was put into the hospital and the word was for all family to get in to say good bye to her.  So Patrick and I made the trip....that woman had the strength to hang in there to celebrate her 64th wedding anniversary this last Tuesday and to see her son come home this last Wednesday......that is what is called will power for the ones she loves....thank you Aunt Louellen for being so important in my life because without you and Aunt Betty and Uncle Clyde I would never have found my sisters.....and even though one of them doesn't claim me I have a wonderful sister in Ruby......I am honored to have known you and I love you a great deal....May God keep you safe till we meet again and I love you....Uncle Clyde will be lost without you......after 64 years together he will be lost....but the family will watch out for him......You are now at peace and no longer in pain and that was the toughest thing to have seen was you in pain....but I am happy that you are now at peace....

So I love you Aunt Louellen and give Aunt Betty and my father a hug for me....and I will smile at the thought that you told me that you were going to give my father hell for not doing right by me.....he did what he could and I know you are still going to give him hell......love you and I will remember you always in my heart and thoughts.......

Love your neice
MM

Kayti and Chadwick Ratigan

This is Kayti's wedding photo and its beautiful......I am thrilled she is happy and loving life right now......She is now Kayti Ratigan married to Chadwick Ratigan......my prayer for the both of them would be long health and lots of happiness.....may god bless you and give you all sorts of happiness......

To Kayti and Chadwick,

I wish you all the best in your life and my prayer would always be that......you both deserve it and the picture shows that you are on the right road for that happiness.....if I was there this would be my toast to you: 

You Kayti deserve this in your life.....and I always said there was a love out there that wouldn't hurt you and you found it.....may this man deserve your love....and may he know that every time he looks at you.....be blessed and be happy and know that you are loved  by many....may there be many years of blessed and peace in your life....

 Yes this would be the toast.....love you Kayti and may god bless your life......I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Real Life.....Is it Suppose To Be Like This

Real life can be the hardest thing a person can have to handle....you have to wonder if you are doing the right thing.....family do not live in the same towns no more......they live across the country.....they live on Facebook.....or they live on Twitter......the politicians say they want to bring back family values.......we as humans living in the world find that hard to imagine.....we have gotten to comfortable with the fact that the world is all about work and how much you have.....there is nothing in this century about family and how do we fit it all into our lives......


I am having a moment....my Aunt Louellen is in a hospital right now dying and I can't go there to be with her....because starting a new job doesn't allow me the luxury to do that.......I hate this world sometimes......I love that woman and I want to be there to tell her how much I love that woman.....she is the one to bring me together with my sisters.....and yes maybe one of them doesn't want to speak with me but Ruby and I have a relationship......and Aunt Louellen did that for me.....with Aunt Betty of course who passed several years ago........I want her to know that so much and I hope she does know that......


So you have to wonder if it will be the same when I pass or my own mother......I can say I want to change things........but I know it would be a empty promise......one person can change me and my views and she isn't around to do that.....so I will just have to wonder and think about things and how I can fix things..................


Found out that Kayti got married and she is now Katrina Ratigan......married to Chadwick Ratigan.....I am so thrilled for her......I guess i have to now stop calling her my daughter in law because she is now someone else's wife.......but in my heart she will always be my daughter in law......the mother of my granddaughter and a person that got to escape........I still hate that I can't contact her......want to call so much and I know how and where.....but I am refraining from interrupting her life for my sake.....she has to be the one to come forward and tell me it's okay......and allow me to say I am sorry......got to say that is the hardest thing I am doing is staying out of it......But I am thrilled for her......I PRAY THAT SHE IS HAPPY AND KRYSTINA IS THRILLED TOO......


So I haven't wrote in a little while and what a way to update my blog......I put some of the letters I have written to Krystina back on the blog......it was time to do that.....I needed to clean it up some and put up the letters.....my blog is a little disorganized right now but it doesn't really matter does it.......no it doesn't.....

Krystina Lucille Tessinari......My Precious

Dearest Krystina,

Why has it been so long since I wrote something on this blog for you......because I had taken time out to think about things I think.....its just one of those things.  I had to think about life and family.  Don't get me wrong your father is doing fine right now with his life and I have to say I am happy for him.  He needed to get out of here to find his way.  And I am not about to say I am not enjoying the quiet still with him gone.  I see that your mom got married and I am not just happy for her I am thrilled and it brought a smile to my face that she is happy.  So much time has gone by so many regrets to think about.  There are so many days that you have to wonder what life is suppose to be about and how do you handle the disappointments and the sorrow.  My Aunt Louellen is very very sick right now in the hospital not going to make it.  I hold a special place for my Aunt because she brought my sister and I together.  I have two step sisters....they are my fathers daughters.  There is three of us.....Mimi, myself, and then Ruby.  And with her leaving this earth it's like how do you thank someone who brought family together.  It's making me sad and wanting you hear your voice.  Because I know in my heart I will never get to see you again.  I know I will be in my grave when you might come seeking me and I won't be able to hug you.  I want so much to see your mom and ask her forgiveness.  I want her to know that I gave you up for the wrong reasons.  I want to just be able to do that in my lifetime.  But life is short and getting shorter by the minute.  I am still waiting for the years to go by and maybe just maybe you will remember that you have Grandpa Lonnie, Grandma Mylinh, Uncle PatPat, and Uncle Jason out here.  Who will be that person to bring the family together.  I thought it would be your Grandma Marie.....and I know she had a conversation with your mom....but that just didn't work out did it.  So this letter is full of tears running down my cheeks wishing I could have or should have done things differently.  Your a part of a large family and the center of my thoughts constantly, and knowing that one day you will get my notes will give me solace right now.  I have it set now where you will be found and given those letters on your 20th birthday.  Had to get that done in case.

I love you Krystina and miss you with every ounce of my being.  I want you to read this and know that I LOVE YOU.  You are the most precious human being out there in the whole wide world.

Love you always,
Your grandmother......         

Krystina Lucille Tessinari

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

My One And Only Grand-daughter

I am crying tears right now and its because of the crap I have gone through not being able to speak to my grand-daughter or see my grand-daughter.
My son does not know how to put his crap aside so I can see her.......
She is well taken care of and her mother is doing a great job as far as I can tell, but its crap that I can't be a grandmother and I hate it and hate life.......
But one day my granddaughter will come back and I will get to see her in person.....and I will shower the love I have for this girl and tell her she was never from my mind and soul....

Krystina Lucille

Yes I was sneaky and I don't care, because I got to see pics of you and I took them so I can see my grand-daughter.  And it pains me to know how I had to give up talking to you.  My choice in life to keep your father from starting up with your mom, and then it would be a fight between them.  But I hate to know that I am even banded from pics of you.  I even get angry at your father because he is able to see the pics but never told me to take a look at them. 

So its up to me to be sneaky and get them.  I am going to print them up Krystina and put them in your album and I will treasure them. 

I wonder how angry you will be when you come back to us.  Because I am just plain pissed off.....and hurt.   But you are loved and I will continue writing you notes for your album and get pics any way I can.

I love you Krystina and keep growing up.....because the bigger you get the closer you get to finding us and come for a visit........

I just know that I want you to meet your great grandmother again before anything happens to her - so hurry up and get grown......

Love always and forever your grandmother

 

 

 

 

 

 Krystina Lucille

I went thru a back door and got pics off Kayti's facebook to see pictures of my grand-daughter.  Its been 2 long years and everyday I think about her.

She is so missed.  I don't know if anyone can understand the heartache that comes with being a grandparent that is cut off from her granddaughter, not by anyone's choice but my own because because my son can not stop being so mean to Kayti her mom.....so in order to make my son not want to strike at Kayti because I got something in the mail and not him, I broke up the contact......and I have to be mean doing it.......I want my granddaughter to know that she is loved and won't be forgotten by me.....