Heh Krystina,
Go girl it's your birthday......
Happy Birthday Krystina. You are another year older, when you are younger you want
to say, "YOUR ANOTHER YEAR OLDER", when you are older you want to say, "NO NOT
ANOTHER YEAR".
You are such a beautiful young girl. You look so much like your daddy it's scary.
But no one can deny that my son is your daddy. But you have your moms complextion
and color hair.
I can't wait for you to grow up. I wish you were already there all the time. But
you will be and one day Krystina we will meet and I go about my day thinking about
it all the time. Well here is my present to you a poem. No I didn't wrie it but it
fit for you.......
I've traveled paths you've yet to walk
Learned lessons old and new
And now this wisdom of my life
I'm blessed to share with you
Let kindness spread like sunshine
Embrace those who are sad
Respect their dignity, give them joy
And leave them feeling glad
Forgive those who might hurt you
And though you have your pride
Listen closely to their viewpoint
Try to see the other side
Walk softly when you're angry
Try not to take offense
Invoke your sense of humor
Laughter's power is immense!
Express what you are feeling
Your beliefs you should uphold
Don't shy away from what is right
Be courageous and be bold
Keep hope right in your pocket
It will guide you day by day
Take it out when it is needed
When it's near, you'll find a way
Remember friends and family
Of which you are a precious part
Love deeply and love truly
Give freely from your heart
The world is far from perfect
There's conflict and there's strife
But you still can make a difference
By how you live your life
And so I'm very blessed to know
The wonders you will do
Because you are my granddaughter
And I believe in you.
Happy Birthday my sweet granddaughter and add another year that you get closer to being a grown up and we get to meet.
Love Grandma
3-17-2014
Monday, March 17, 2014
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Krystina L. Tessinari
Hello my dearest Granddaughter
I am kinda laughing right now. I just saw a picture of Nikki and a baby she is holding and I am wondering if she to had another baby. What I am smiling about is this, your mom and your Aunt Nikki have finally gained some damn weight. They look good, and healthy. I know when you are young, you always worry about your weight and they probably still do, but they look really good with weight on them to. I just think its cute on them. With the winters you all go through I can just imagine the weight does help to keep you insulated. I loved the picture I saw. Especially of Nikki holding what looks like another little boy. I don't think she can catch a break and have a girl.
Well I am writing this letter to let you know that when I do get to see a part of your family it makes me think what a life you have. The snow must be beautiful. But it must be so COLD. I have been watching the news and the weather is so cold this winter and non stopping. You have got some thick blood my lovely child. I know when you spent your first winters there your mom said you were sick a lot. Glad you have adjusted because you look healthy in your pictures. Yeah I get pictures every once in a while and I post them up so my friends can see my granddaughter. I see that your mom is finally on a motorcycle. And I see that Chad rides. Well at least we have something in common. I am planning a trip to Sturgis one day. I know that is one of those big things everyone has to do once. My Cousin went out there and loved it. And I see that Chad and your mom and your grandma Marie go out there. I will have to run into them one day, with your grandfather Lonnie. Wouldn't that be something. A family reunion at Sturgis.
I love you dear Krystina and I am going to end up out there one day going to all the parks you visit, and get a look at the things you see while you are growing up. Its some great pictures that I have seen and the country looks great, and you will end up here one day to see what I see. Nothing like South Dakota though, I can promise you that. One day Krystina, one day. I am keeping track the best I can of you and these letters will never disappear from the internet. I have people all over the world reading this stupid blog about a messed up family and the drama. Its one of those things. But people know your name and know there is someone out here that loves you. You are going to have a step sibling soon. Another part of the family that keeps growing and growing. Its going to be a huge family here waiting for you also. I have made up with my brother Dominick that I will have to tell you some stories about. I went to visit my sisters grave site this past week to with my mom. You were named after her. I left information and everything about the Aunt you were named after. You will have to do your family tree one day. When we get older it seems we want to go back to roots and find out about family. I have a Aunt named Lillian in New York that I didn't know my own grandmother and grandfather had adopted her. Found that in a 1940 census, its cool when you start looking up family, you find things you never knew. But I wanted to write you something and I have. I will love you always and can't wait to see you one day.
Stay sweet and be good to your family. They are good to you. Love you always and forever.
Your loving grandmother
I am kinda laughing right now. I just saw a picture of Nikki and a baby she is holding and I am wondering if she to had another baby. What I am smiling about is this, your mom and your Aunt Nikki have finally gained some damn weight. They look good, and healthy. I know when you are young, you always worry about your weight and they probably still do, but they look really good with weight on them to. I just think its cute on them. With the winters you all go through I can just imagine the weight does help to keep you insulated. I loved the picture I saw. Especially of Nikki holding what looks like another little boy. I don't think she can catch a break and have a girl.
Well I am writing this letter to let you know that when I do get to see a part of your family it makes me think what a life you have. The snow must be beautiful. But it must be so COLD. I have been watching the news and the weather is so cold this winter and non stopping. You have got some thick blood my lovely child. I know when you spent your first winters there your mom said you were sick a lot. Glad you have adjusted because you look healthy in your pictures. Yeah I get pictures every once in a while and I post them up so my friends can see my granddaughter. I see that your mom is finally on a motorcycle. And I see that Chad rides. Well at least we have something in common. I am planning a trip to Sturgis one day. I know that is one of those big things everyone has to do once. My Cousin went out there and loved it. And I see that Chad and your mom and your grandma Marie go out there. I will have to run into them one day, with your grandfather Lonnie. Wouldn't that be something. A family reunion at Sturgis.
I love you dear Krystina and I am going to end up out there one day going to all the parks you visit, and get a look at the things you see while you are growing up. Its some great pictures that I have seen and the country looks great, and you will end up here one day to see what I see. Nothing like South Dakota though, I can promise you that. One day Krystina, one day. I am keeping track the best I can of you and these letters will never disappear from the internet. I have people all over the world reading this stupid blog about a messed up family and the drama. Its one of those things. But people know your name and know there is someone out here that loves you. You are going to have a step sibling soon. Another part of the family that keeps growing and growing. Its going to be a huge family here waiting for you also. I have made up with my brother Dominick that I will have to tell you some stories about. I went to visit my sisters grave site this past week to with my mom. You were named after her. I left information and everything about the Aunt you were named after. You will have to do your family tree one day. When we get older it seems we want to go back to roots and find out about family. I have a Aunt named Lillian in New York that I didn't know my own grandmother and grandfather had adopted her. Found that in a 1940 census, its cool when you start looking up family, you find things you never knew. But I wanted to write you something and I have. I will love you always and can't wait to see you one day.
Stay sweet and be good to your family. They are good to you. Love you always and forever.
Your loving grandmother
Monday, February 24, 2014
Debts Unpaid
So now we have to work it all out and come to agreements. My husband has some issues and I have some issues that we do have to iron out. Like me telling him Jason my middle child, was told to leave and get a life but left us with his $5000.00 owed on the motorcycle. Something my husband or myself thought he wouldn't do. So that's two children that owe us at least $5000 a piece. Which made him a little upset because do you know we wouldn't have to worry about where the money would come from for retirement if we put that money away and not have to have covered two of our children's debts and such. I am over it with the Gary debt, hoping one day to see money from him. But I am tired of bitching about it. Got it all out in the blog that you have all been reading. But dear dear Jason who was paying on the motorcycle he destroyed decided since he was told to get the hell out and find a life, that he would leave the debt behind. Cheap shot, and ASSHOLE. So I told my husband and it has been stewing with him since his trip and he is quite frankly mad about it. We work hard and my children work hard, so really? Why can't you just stop, and take care of your things like men. Lonnie and I have been there for all of you in many ways. And this is the thanks we get. So that makes my husband angry and that's the first he has ever really voiced an opinion on a subject like that. I agree with him, we are paying things off in our own lives to enjoy retirement and he wanted a motorcycle again or a new truck to have it paid off by the time we retire and Jason pulls this crap and puts that all on the back burner. ASSHOLE.........
There are other issues and I will get into it more. We are working it out, and talking and talking. But it's pretty shitty that my husband doesn't get what he wants for all the years he's worked because my children are not debt conscious when it comes to us.
There are other issues and I will get into it more. We are working it out, and talking and talking. But it's pretty shitty that my husband doesn't get what he wants for all the years he's worked because my children are not debt conscious when it comes to us.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Titan Rey Tessinari
Dearest young Titan,
I don't know if I am to make it out there to see you when you come into this world. I am again faced with a decision in life that may take that time away from me. I had a lot of questions on if I wanted to be a grandmother to you and such because of losing my first grandchild to another difficult decision. I face making my marriage work or getting to see you. I am starting today of the thoughts that I have to sacrifice one for another and it's painful. I know I can visit in the future but I also know it comes down to time and money for those to happen. So I guess this blog and these letters will have to be enough for you to get to know your grandmother. I don't have the luxury to be able to drop anything and go. I was looking forward to doing that. Having the house ready for retirement and your grandfather and I can get up and go when ever we wanted. But again its time spent doing something that doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense. But its something you have to honor in order to make another happy. Its all about the sacrifice in life and what you want out of those lives.
I would make a great grandmother. I make a great part time grandmother, what I don't make is a great vacation grandmother. Doesn't make sense I know. But when you live your life working and working to have a goal at the end of it all and you take a side road, time can get away from you. Then the next thing you know your ten more years older and you have missed so much. Well your not even born yet and the letters are going to have to come from my mind onto paper or blog. I don't have the anything else to give you my lovely young man. I see you in my mind though. I see you being the spitting image of your father. God help you there and the many woman to fall at your feet. But I see you, and I can't wait till I am introduced to you. Whatever happens know you have a grandmother out here wanting the time with you also.
Love you always and forever,
Grandma
I don't know if I am to make it out there to see you when you come into this world. I am again faced with a decision in life that may take that time away from me. I had a lot of questions on if I wanted to be a grandmother to you and such because of losing my first grandchild to another difficult decision. I face making my marriage work or getting to see you. I am starting today of the thoughts that I have to sacrifice one for another and it's painful. I know I can visit in the future but I also know it comes down to time and money for those to happen. So I guess this blog and these letters will have to be enough for you to get to know your grandmother. I don't have the luxury to be able to drop anything and go. I was looking forward to doing that. Having the house ready for retirement and your grandfather and I can get up and go when ever we wanted. But again its time spent doing something that doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense. But its something you have to honor in order to make another happy. Its all about the sacrifice in life and what you want out of those lives.
I would make a great grandmother. I make a great part time grandmother, what I don't make is a great vacation grandmother. Doesn't make sense I know. But when you live your life working and working to have a goal at the end of it all and you take a side road, time can get away from you. Then the next thing you know your ten more years older and you have missed so much. Well your not even born yet and the letters are going to have to come from my mind onto paper or blog. I don't have the anything else to give you my lovely young man. I see you in my mind though. I see you being the spitting image of your father. God help you there and the many woman to fall at your feet. But I see you, and I can't wait till I am introduced to you. Whatever happens know you have a grandmother out here wanting the time with you also.
Love you always and forever,
Grandma
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Life and Love
Life is hard. Its a never ending roller coaster ride. I can't remember to much of my childhood. Except the beatings. I can always remember that, I had to win my mothers approval, but never seemed to reach it. So I worked hard to gain other people's approval. I wanted to be loved and cherished for whatever I may be. But I don't seem to like who I am. I don't like that I wasn't everything I was meant to be. God gave me a life that is and has been wasted. I found love, treated it badly. Then I was lucky enough to find it again. And still I lost it. I am 45 yrs old, I know who I love and am in love with. Yet he knows he wants to escape. So what is my escape? How do I write off the many years I have been in love. Find another? I knew how I felt on my wedding day. Almost like it was meant to be. And it would be my last. I knew that all those years ago.
I had my life full. I had three wonderful children. A granddaughter and another on the way. Thought I would spend the next 20 years with the man I loved. Is it a midlife crisis? Who knows? All you get is "I don't know". I don't have the answers. If I could get the answers my life would be straight. But it's not. It makes me sad. Very very sad. There's no way he can not say he doesn't know if I love him. I sit here waiting for him to hold me like he used to . To tell me that I am his moon and stars. What I get is "I don't know".
So "I don't know" if I want to go on. I don't know how I can survive the loneliness of it all. My kids are fine. They have my stubborn side. Patrick is going to make a great life for himself. And so is Jason. Gary is on his way. So the man of my dreams is leaving me. To find himself. And all I've got to say is: "I don't know".
I had my life full. I had three wonderful children. A granddaughter and another on the way. Thought I would spend the next 20 years with the man I loved. Is it a midlife crisis? Who knows? All you get is "I don't know". I don't have the answers. If I could get the answers my life would be straight. But it's not. It makes me sad. Very very sad. There's no way he can not say he doesn't know if I love him. I sit here waiting for him to hold me like he used to . To tell me that I am his moon and stars. What I get is "I don't know".
So "I don't know" if I want to go on. I don't know how I can survive the loneliness of it all. My kids are fine. They have my stubborn side. Patrick is going to make a great life for himself. And so is Jason. Gary is on his way. So the man of my dreams is leaving me. To find himself. And all I've got to say is: "I don't know".
Love
Two people in the same room, both of them suppose to be in love with
each other, but the silence between them isn't an easy silence of
comfortable support of each other. It's one of those silence moments that
you feel so alone in the world. The other person doesn't fit you anymore,
you want them to but it just doesn't fit. You wonder how that happened,
where it went in that direction. Has it been like that for many many
years and you just noticed it? Are you wondering how you can make it
better and not coming up with a solution? Have you tried and tried to
make it better, begged and pleaded. That your confidence has just left
you, and you are at a lost of any actions or words. Is this what life
with someone you wanted and saw for yourself going to end, in silence, in loneliness, and insecurities.
How did it happen? Why did it happen? Questions, all about questions,
but no answers. Do others go through the same thing? Is this why older
couples get divorced? Is there a life after being in love with a person
and still in love with that person? So many questions and not enough
answers. It can't be a part of life, why weren't we told?
We see others being together for 50 to 60 years and wonder how do they do it. Do they run out of conversation? How do they do it everyday? Do they take separate vacations and sleep together like their roommates rather then two people in love? Does one person crave the attention they had when they were courting, and the other just is comfortable and doesn't need it anymore? Are we going to settle for the silence or do we get out now and start anew? Am I brave enough to take the first step or is he waiting for me to make that first step? That way he can put the blame on me that I ended it and he had tried. I have to make a decision, its the year to do that isn't it after waiting and waiting for it to be better? Wake up to the reality of it. Make that decision and make the moves to fix it. Decide and stick to it. Because if you make the decision to stay, you have no one but yourself to blame if it becomes the deafening silence you know it is and will be.
We see others being together for 50 to 60 years and wonder how do they do it. Do they run out of conversation? How do they do it everyday? Do they take separate vacations and sleep together like their roommates rather then two people in love? Does one person crave the attention they had when they were courting, and the other just is comfortable and doesn't need it anymore? Are we going to settle for the silence or do we get out now and start anew? Am I brave enough to take the first step or is he waiting for me to make that first step? That way he can put the blame on me that I ended it and he had tried. I have to make a decision, its the year to do that isn't it after waiting and waiting for it to be better? Wake up to the reality of it. Make that decision and make the moves to fix it. Decide and stick to it. Because if you make the decision to stay, you have no one but yourself to blame if it becomes the deafening silence you know it is and will be.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Krystina L. Tessinari
Dearest Krystina,
Hello there sweet child. Valentines Day was yesterday and I got my card from your grandfather and he got my card from me. It's funny how its no longer the "profess your love kind of thing" but the "funny" card. We have been together for many years. I don't want to say "to many" because I had hopes that it would be many years to come for us. But sometimes my dear sweet child I wonder. I love your grandfather very very much, and god only knows he loves me too. To be with me and my ass for all the ups and downs you would have to be "in love". I just don't think we will make it the many years I see us in my dreams. Its one of those strange things in life that you always think about a person but wonder if they are thinking of you. I think about that with you, because I know you are always in my thoughts but I am or couldn't be in yours. Memories fade and I don't even know if you still have the picture book I gave you to remember the faces of your life. So things do change and people do come out of love or get to comfortable in love that it's part of a convenience as much as it is anything else in life.
I don't want to ever feel comfortable that you are out there and not continue to write you letters as long as I am alive. I see that your cousins lost some family members and its a cruel thing in life to lose family. You never know what is around the corner do you? I pray that we don't lose each other to death or anything. Because it would make me sad that I left this life without getting to see you again. Life comes and goes and I am trying to hang on for you. I want to meet you one day and see the young lady you are to become. If it is fate that doesn't allow that then it is fate. But I leave behind the many letters I write to you. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I know this moment brings love from my heart all the way to you and yours. I don't know where life will lead me in the future Krystina, but one day life will bring us together I have to believe in that. Because if I don't then there isn't really much I can look forward to. Your grandfather and I love you and will always remember you with such love and fondness. Even if we aren't together we shared you in our hearts. I love you Krystina and I want you to only know that.
Love you always and forever
Your Grandmother
Hello there sweet child. Valentines Day was yesterday and I got my card from your grandfather and he got my card from me. It's funny how its no longer the "profess your love kind of thing" but the "funny" card. We have been together for many years. I don't want to say "to many" because I had hopes that it would be many years to come for us. But sometimes my dear sweet child I wonder. I love your grandfather very very much, and god only knows he loves me too. To be with me and my ass for all the ups and downs you would have to be "in love". I just don't think we will make it the many years I see us in my dreams. Its one of those strange things in life that you always think about a person but wonder if they are thinking of you. I think about that with you, because I know you are always in my thoughts but I am or couldn't be in yours. Memories fade and I don't even know if you still have the picture book I gave you to remember the faces of your life. So things do change and people do come out of love or get to comfortable in love that it's part of a convenience as much as it is anything else in life.
I don't want to ever feel comfortable that you are out there and not continue to write you letters as long as I am alive. I see that your cousins lost some family members and its a cruel thing in life to lose family. You never know what is around the corner do you? I pray that we don't lose each other to death or anything. Because it would make me sad that I left this life without getting to see you again. Life comes and goes and I am trying to hang on for you. I want to meet you one day and see the young lady you are to become. If it is fate that doesn't allow that then it is fate. But I leave behind the many letters I write to you. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I know this moment brings love from my heart all the way to you and yours. I don't know where life will lead me in the future Krystina, but one day life will bring us together I have to believe in that. Because if I don't then there isn't really much I can look forward to. Your grandfather and I love you and will always remember you with such love and fondness. Even if we aren't together we shared you in our hearts. I love you Krystina and I want you to only know that.
Love you always and forever
Your Grandmother
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