Life is hard. Its a never ending roller coaster ride. I can't remember to much of my childhood. Except the beatings. I can always remember that, I had to win my mothers approval, but never seemed to reach it. So I worked hard to gain other people's approval. I wanted to be loved and cherished for whatever I may be. But I don't seem to like who I am. I don't like that I wasn't everything I was meant to be. God gave me a life that is and has been wasted. I found love, treated it badly. Then I was lucky enough to find it again. And still I lost it. I am 45 yrs old, I know who I love and am in love with. Yet he knows he wants to escape. So what is my escape? How do I write off the many years I have been in love. Find another? I knew how I felt on my wedding day. Almost like it was meant to be. And it would be my last. I knew that all those years ago.
I had my life full. I had three wonderful children. A granddaughter and another on the way. Thought I would spend the next 20 years with the man I loved. Is it a midlife crisis? Who knows? All you get is "I don't know". I don't have the answers. If I could get the answers my life would be straight. But it's not. It makes me sad. Very very sad. There's no way he can not say he doesn't know if I love him. I sit here waiting for him to hold me like he used to . To tell me that I am his moon and stars. What I get is "I don't know".
So "I don't know" if I want to go on. I don't know how I can survive the loneliness of it all. My kids are fine. They have my stubborn side. Patrick is going to make a great life for himself. And so is Jason. Gary is on his way. So the man of my dreams is leaving me. To find himself. And all I've got to say is: "I don't know".
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