Hi Krystina,
Well it's been a minute since I last wrote to you. Guess you can get busy sometimes and it happens. I have a friend staying here who moved back from Tennessee with her children and husband and they are going to be here till they find a house. Which is exciting since the house is full again, always liked to have a full house sometimes.
We actually went and played Kickball and 4 Square. Which is some old school games but it was loads of fun. Your grandpa Lonnie and Uncle Jason and myself and the kids and Nancy and her husband went to play at Lake Fairview park. You should have seen our old asses run around the bases. It was interesting to say the least. I see that the winter is hitting hard and in Florida we are enjoying 75 degree weather and sunshine. Lol. So it makes it where we can go out and enjoy the sunshine.
Gosh its been busy around here lately and having young people around to enjoy keeps me young. As young as you can be at the age I am. Ivy the 17 year old is into animated things and went to a small convention that is here in Orlando, Josh the 12 year old and your Uncle Jason are friends because they like the same things which is "gaming". And Gracie who is 6 years old is just a ball to be with.
They are the Mathison family. In case you want to look them up. I have known them for so many years now. And Nancy is their mom and Jason is their dad's name. Still trying to give you a lead in case I am dead when you come looking for me and you can look up others to ask them questions. You know I went through that with a beautiful young lady years ago. Her mother had died many many years ago while she was young and she was adopted and she came looking for people that knew her mother. And she had found me and asked her questions and I gave her others to contact. She got her questions answered, and was able to continue with her life and made some choices that she needed to make and didn't know how but hearing the stories about her mother seemed to give her the courage to do things differently for herself. She is a FB friend of mine and has four kids and works and she pursuing a education and such.
Her mom had demons and didn't make it in the world, but the daughter and the other children will because maybe somehow learning their mom's struggles gave them their own courage to get through things differently. So this young lady is standing up and making the right and better decisions in her own life. And she is beautiful and such a strong individual.
I saw that your Aunt Nikki is coming to Florida in May about the same time I am headed to North Carolina to visit Titan Rey. Gosh I wish I got to see her, I saw your cousins in pictures recently and boy are they growing up as quickly as you are. They will be strong boys, and they are looking good and fit. I saw pictures of you lately, its funny how I get them sent to me by people I don't even know. But I get them and you are growing up fast to. It's amazing I have almost 5,000 hits on this blog and its adding up quickly. I put it everywhere I can think of, so people can read it. I put the pics up on my FB and of course I have used them in this blog and I really do need to update some of these pics.
But I wanted you to know I am thinking about you as I do everyday. And you are always loved, I hope you are doing well in school and that you are probably a straight "A" student. I was never a good student until I actually grew up and became an adult. If it wasn't for college algebra....lol. But I like to write as you can tell.
Anyway wanted to write something to you and let you know I am still on this earth. So be good and I love you.
Love your grandmother
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
OUT OF THE DARKNESS WALK......READ IT YOU READ EVERYTHING ELSE I PUT UP HERE....
http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=571516
I MEAN IT read this and look into it.....and do something about it
I am always asking for donations for help with a roof, but this is far more important then that. One of our friends need her spirits lifted and a donation for this cause will do it. Please EVERYONE and I know me asking might not help but try to donate something. Be thankful for the life you have and what you may have but others suffer maybe in silence or they just can't take it anymore and do the unthinkable. I have been there, I know what it takes to pull yourself out of darkness and even though I have the tendency to fall in that darkness I think I have the strength to survive it too. Yet our friend lives through it thinking of her sister, and I PROMISE YOU making even a small donation will make you feel good. So please think about it and do it time is running out and that's all I have to say.......
press on the link above PLEASE.......
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Krystina L. Tessinari
Dearest Krystina
Seen some pics of you today and you are growing up so beautiful. I have many friends that like to send me pics and you are just a lovely young lady. It's amazing how you look like your father. Just amazing to me.
Your sister is growing up so quickly. It reminds me the years are going by. I know you are writing your father and that is wonderful. Even if you are asking the tough questions and stuff, it is what's expected. You are going to have questions aren't you. Such a smart young lady. I was told you are being called "nerd" in school. Yes I do know that. Not by your mom, your stepfather, grandmother, or Aunt Nikki. So if any of your family is reading this don't fret you aren't being told on by immediate family and don't have to start a fight over it. I do have people that know this blog and send me things. And a lot trying to "friend" me on FB, and send me news. Krystina you wouldn't believe the people that read this blog and have supported me in my efforts in keeping you in my thoughts and writing to you. To many to count sometimes, old friends and new friends it's like a little support community out here with me and all over the country. It's a beautiful thing sometimes.
You are a beautiful young lady now. Going to find your way int the world and the advise your step father gave you was very very solid advice. Quite good actually, and that isn't surprising. It's still a horrendous situation that I can't reach out to your family or you and its a new year and only hope keeps me writing these letters to you. But one day, forgiveness will or enter their hearts. I am not into all the "god" stuff and won't claim to be and sprout all the "god" will find a way and this and that, because that would be hypercritical, but hopefully forgiveness does come into their hearts one day toward me. You can only have hope. I turn 47 years old this year, another year. And it does get harder and harder sometimes with each passing year. I get older and older, I have found many friends and have gained family and the one that is missing in this huge world is you. I know where to find you, I know where you are and that's the toughest part is not being able to reach out to you on your birthday or holiday's. It's not that hard to know where people are these days, the whole world is in a search engine. But I can type you name in the "google" search and I find you all over the internet. I guess this blog makes you one special person.
Some one approached me about writing a book. A grandmother love to a grand daughter, or something like that. I had to smile and think that would be a great book. You see all the time U Tube video's of dying wishes or people writing touching letters that sound so much better then my letters to you. So I don't think I am really that special except that this is the only way I could reach out to you. And the minute I would be allowed right back in your life even to start off small the letters here would probably be non existent. But I have this and will always write on this till that day happens. I am planning a "all girls slumber party" for my 47th birthday with my friends here. A lot of them have moved back to the Florida area and I have never had a slumber party before and I figured I am due one at my age. Its going to be so much fun. I want to do nails and toes and makeup and hair....get all dressed up to have dinner and hit a club to dance and just feel 20 instead of 47. You will find that happens to you when you get older you try to hang on to youth. Well for one 24 hour period that is what I am going to do. Let my hair down and have a "slumber" party. I am going to go bungy jumping to, can you believe that. Its not the actual one where it goes around your ankles but the one where two people sit in a cage kind of thing and they sling shot you. It's in Kissimmee, Florida and I can not wait. I want to do that one time in my life, oh oh sounds like I need to make a "bucket list".
I started last year to lose weight and I started at 316 pounds. Was not proud of that what so ever and I weigh in at 268 now. I am still trying to give up smoking, don't pick up that nasty habit please. I can't believe my sons, your father and Uncle's have never picked it up living with me, but they never did. Your great grandmother was upset recently because she is going to have to sell her home and didn't want to face reality that she is never going to live by herself ever again. And I think about getting older and what will happen when I can't do for myself any longer neither. There are so many regrets I have and so much happiness also. We all have to face the reality that time flies and you may look back and say, "how did that happen". I look back at a biological father that I never got to know but gained two sisters out of. Of course one denies me but the other one and the youngest "Ruby Jenkins" we are like sisters all our lives, she is in Greenville, North Carolina. I have opened my heart up these days to the younger children in my life, not just Titan Rey but I have another granddaughter through Grandpa Lonnie's son, "Payton Gallaway". She is beautiful and so cute. She has a birthday on January 25th, I think she is 6 years old. She lives in Sherry, Oklahoma your Grandpa Lonnie's home state. I am bringing her to Florida in 2016 for Disney. Can't wait for that. I found through talking to others I won't be dishonoring you by showing love to the children from my friends or other family members but I will spread the love out and I am a good grandma.
But these letter aren't going to stop Krystina, never as long as you are out there and I will write on my dying bed even if I have to have some type it up and let you know I am gone. But I have made many many plans with many many people about this blog anyway. And how it will be given to you for many years to come. I am a planner always seeking the right information or asking the questions and its just how I am. You may have that trait in you, and you may not. But you may grow up and say "I wonder" and go out on your own to find the answers to. You may have disappointments in those answers and you may say it's time to "forgive" and what took so long and how many years have I missed because of this and that. But it's only up to you to decide when you come around to seeking those things. Only you can make those decisions, people around you can influence you. Believe me I have been influenced in my time on making wrong decision, but that is what life is about learning from wrong and trying to do it right. I don't think anyone has learned that completely its all trial and error. You will find that people will try to make you believe certain things and even though it might be true and may not you have to make up your own mind on things. Hell I have put enough of my families business out there that you shouldn't even take my word for anything and some of it I have been corrected on and some of it I still have to tell and let it be known. It doesn't bother me anymore what so ever if people have something to say because their opinions make you think about it in a different way that you may not even have thought about. I didn't know your step father was adopted, I still have my opinions on why your mother can't show kindness when I have always been there for her from the beginning when she moved out of her own mothers house. I don't think I have ever denied her anything she ever needed from me. But I am sure she has her own opinions and probably it all makes sense to her. I made a mistake and she won't forgive me. But that's okay she is still cherished by me in my heart after the anger and the hurt dissolved.
This is again kinda lengthy for one letter. Guess I am being talkative today. But remember this, it's time to fill the letters up with names and places so when you are ready to find us you will. It at least gives you the names to look up and such. Because as I went on that journey many many years ago to find my biological father you will do the same to find your fathers family also. I have the utmost confidence in you to do that. Love you dearest granddaughter and may the universe and god watch out for you and yours.
Love always a grandmother in waiting
Grandma MyLinh
Seen some pics of you today and you are growing up so beautiful. I have many friends that like to send me pics and you are just a lovely young lady. It's amazing how you look like your father. Just amazing to me.
Your sister is growing up so quickly. It reminds me the years are going by. I know you are writing your father and that is wonderful. Even if you are asking the tough questions and stuff, it is what's expected. You are going to have questions aren't you. Such a smart young lady. I was told you are being called "nerd" in school. Yes I do know that. Not by your mom, your stepfather, grandmother, or Aunt Nikki. So if any of your family is reading this don't fret you aren't being told on by immediate family and don't have to start a fight over it. I do have people that know this blog and send me things. And a lot trying to "friend" me on FB, and send me news. Krystina you wouldn't believe the people that read this blog and have supported me in my efforts in keeping you in my thoughts and writing to you. To many to count sometimes, old friends and new friends it's like a little support community out here with me and all over the country. It's a beautiful thing sometimes.
You are a beautiful young lady now. Going to find your way int the world and the advise your step father gave you was very very solid advice. Quite good actually, and that isn't surprising. It's still a horrendous situation that I can't reach out to your family or you and its a new year and only hope keeps me writing these letters to you. But one day, forgiveness will or enter their hearts. I am not into all the "god" stuff and won't claim to be and sprout all the "god" will find a way and this and that, because that would be hypercritical, but hopefully forgiveness does come into their hearts one day toward me. You can only have hope. I turn 47 years old this year, another year. And it does get harder and harder sometimes with each passing year. I get older and older, I have found many friends and have gained family and the one that is missing in this huge world is you. I know where to find you, I know where you are and that's the toughest part is not being able to reach out to you on your birthday or holiday's. It's not that hard to know where people are these days, the whole world is in a search engine. But I can type you name in the "google" search and I find you all over the internet. I guess this blog makes you one special person.
Some one approached me about writing a book. A grandmother love to a grand daughter, or something like that. I had to smile and think that would be a great book. You see all the time U Tube video's of dying wishes or people writing touching letters that sound so much better then my letters to you. So I don't think I am really that special except that this is the only way I could reach out to you. And the minute I would be allowed right back in your life even to start off small the letters here would probably be non existent. But I have this and will always write on this till that day happens. I am planning a "all girls slumber party" for my 47th birthday with my friends here. A lot of them have moved back to the Florida area and I have never had a slumber party before and I figured I am due one at my age. Its going to be so much fun. I want to do nails and toes and makeup and hair....get all dressed up to have dinner and hit a club to dance and just feel 20 instead of 47. You will find that happens to you when you get older you try to hang on to youth. Well for one 24 hour period that is what I am going to do. Let my hair down and have a "slumber" party. I am going to go bungy jumping to, can you believe that. Its not the actual one where it goes around your ankles but the one where two people sit in a cage kind of thing and they sling shot you. It's in Kissimmee, Florida and I can not wait. I want to do that one time in my life, oh oh sounds like I need to make a "bucket list".
I started last year to lose weight and I started at 316 pounds. Was not proud of that what so ever and I weigh in at 268 now. I am still trying to give up smoking, don't pick up that nasty habit please. I can't believe my sons, your father and Uncle's have never picked it up living with me, but they never did. Your great grandmother was upset recently because she is going to have to sell her home and didn't want to face reality that she is never going to live by herself ever again. And I think about getting older and what will happen when I can't do for myself any longer neither. There are so many regrets I have and so much happiness also. We all have to face the reality that time flies and you may look back and say, "how did that happen". I look back at a biological father that I never got to know but gained two sisters out of. Of course one denies me but the other one and the youngest "Ruby Jenkins" we are like sisters all our lives, she is in Greenville, North Carolina. I have opened my heart up these days to the younger children in my life, not just Titan Rey but I have another granddaughter through Grandpa Lonnie's son, "Payton Gallaway". She is beautiful and so cute. She has a birthday on January 25th, I think she is 6 years old. She lives in Sherry, Oklahoma your Grandpa Lonnie's home state. I am bringing her to Florida in 2016 for Disney. Can't wait for that. I found through talking to others I won't be dishonoring you by showing love to the children from my friends or other family members but I will spread the love out and I am a good grandma.
But these letter aren't going to stop Krystina, never as long as you are out there and I will write on my dying bed even if I have to have some type it up and let you know I am gone. But I have made many many plans with many many people about this blog anyway. And how it will be given to you for many years to come. I am a planner always seeking the right information or asking the questions and its just how I am. You may have that trait in you, and you may not. But you may grow up and say "I wonder" and go out on your own to find the answers to. You may have disappointments in those answers and you may say it's time to "forgive" and what took so long and how many years have I missed because of this and that. But it's only up to you to decide when you come around to seeking those things. Only you can make those decisions, people around you can influence you. Believe me I have been influenced in my time on making wrong decision, but that is what life is about learning from wrong and trying to do it right. I don't think anyone has learned that completely its all trial and error. You will find that people will try to make you believe certain things and even though it might be true and may not you have to make up your own mind on things. Hell I have put enough of my families business out there that you shouldn't even take my word for anything and some of it I have been corrected on and some of it I still have to tell and let it be known. It doesn't bother me anymore what so ever if people have something to say because their opinions make you think about it in a different way that you may not even have thought about. I didn't know your step father was adopted, I still have my opinions on why your mother can't show kindness when I have always been there for her from the beginning when she moved out of her own mothers house. I don't think I have ever denied her anything she ever needed from me. But I am sure she has her own opinions and probably it all makes sense to her. I made a mistake and she won't forgive me. But that's okay she is still cherished by me in my heart after the anger and the hurt dissolved.
This is again kinda lengthy for one letter. Guess I am being talkative today. But remember this, it's time to fill the letters up with names and places so when you are ready to find us you will. It at least gives you the names to look up and such. Because as I went on that journey many many years ago to find my biological father you will do the same to find your fathers family also. I have the utmost confidence in you to do that. Love you dearest granddaughter and may the universe and god watch out for you and yours.
Love always a grandmother in waiting
Grandma MyLinh
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Merry Christmas to my grandchildren
Dearest Krystina and Titan Rey
The most beautiful Christmas is having family be there to open presents under the Christmas tree. To watch the delight come over the young when they get something they wanted. Santa and his reindeer's flying all over to world to all the boys and girls that have been good.
The big dinner around the table that only can fit in the living room. The smells coming from the kitchen from an all nighter. And watching the food being enjoyed by all. So my grandchildren are in different states with their own family, and I can close my eyes and see it all play out in my head. Never will one moment be missed as long as I have my imagination. I love you both, and think of you often. I get the pics from Titan but I miss the pics of Krystina. But that's okay I can still close my eyes and see the both of you. HAVE THE MOST PRECIOUS AND WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS MY TWO VERY VERY SPECIAL GRANDCHILDREN. May all your wishes come true. May you both feel the love a grandmother and grandfather.
Love you always and forever,
Grandma and Grandpa
The most beautiful Christmas is having family be there to open presents under the Christmas tree. To watch the delight come over the young when they get something they wanted. Santa and his reindeer's flying all over to world to all the boys and girls that have been good.
The big dinner around the table that only can fit in the living room. The smells coming from the kitchen from an all nighter. And watching the food being enjoyed by all. So my grandchildren are in different states with their own family, and I can close my eyes and see it all play out in my head. Never will one moment be missed as long as I have my imagination. I love you both, and think of you often. I get the pics from Titan but I miss the pics of Krystina. But that's okay I can still close my eyes and see the both of you. HAVE THE MOST PRECIOUS AND WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS MY TWO VERY VERY SPECIAL GRANDCHILDREN. May all your wishes come true. May you both feel the love a grandmother and grandfather.
Love you always and forever,
Grandma and Grandpa
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Krystina Lucille Tessinari
Dearest Krystina
Today is December 12th and I am writing you and your family and wishing them a Merry Christmas. I have so much to say right now, I know your father is in South Dakota wishing he could see you, but atlas circumstances aren't allowing that to happen. Heard it was your wish and who am I to say it isn't. It's to bad that you couldn't even call him to tell him that yourself. Even hearing your voice would have been a great treat for your father. I plan on making a trip one day with him, and your grandfather. Going to make it a big old family affair. You know I knew your mom as a wonderful person who I loved so very dearly and never stopped loving. I always considered her a part of the family and still do. God is the only one that can bring this whole mess to an end and one day we can only keep praying it does come to an end.
People can disappoint you, it's a part of life. No one can hide from disappointment in life. But it's how you handle it that makes you the better person or not. I disappointed your mom when I backed away from the situation and gave you up, it was just so exhausting and your dad wanted his mom on his side. I knew she wouldn't ever come back to Florida, even though she told me in our farewell conversation she would. I told her, "no you won't but I believe you will find happiness in South Dakota and you deserve it" as your dad needed to find his happiness and he did with Arielle. It's just you are a big part of that happiness that is missing. A HUGE PART...and it took many years for your father to grow up and at this time and moment I have never been more proud of him. He wasn't welcomed in the motel your mom works at and he walked away without converting back to his bad ways and throwing a temper tantrum. The momma bear almost reared it ugly head with me and I was this close to flying out there. But your daddy is a grown man trying to fix his mistakes and one day you never know he may have that chance. He found another room in town and found a quiet spot and wrote what he wanted away from the hustle and bustle of his life. And he stood up as a man and let it flow.
I have to tell you a secret, he isn't the best writer but the letter I just read was from his heart of hearts to you. Your dad wanted and asked me to post this letter to my blog, wanting the world to know that a daddy was out here waiting for the day he can meet you. What a letter I can't even keep the tears from coming. WOW!!!! Your mom and Gary were so young and so into each other when they were young. I now know I was kinda fooled by the whole situation from your grandma Marie but that is in the past. You may find a love like that one day where it is all consuming and not the best. Your father, my son, wasn't ready for it and neither was your mom. Your father is trying to make amends, and that is a long time coming, but it will and may take a lifetime to do just that. But aren't we all always trying to make amends in the wrong we do people. If you can't find it in your heart to make a relationship with your father then one day I hope you tell him that face to face, because being told that on a third party line isn't the way to tell someone to "go to hell".
I will never stop writing you letters in this blog. A grandmother can do what can be done to reach out and say "I LOVE YOU". I have strangers all over the world reading this and sending their support and messages thru Facebook and such. It's quite revealing how many people have gotten in touch with me. I have a granddaughter on Lonnie's side named Patton Dallas Gallaway and I have Titan Rey Tessinari. But I also have Krystina Lucille Tessinari out there in the world. I am planning a trip for Patton to come and visit Disney next year and when Titan is old enough I plan on taking him to Disney. I have a whole house to myself with Grandpa now as all my kids, your father an his brothers have all found their own way now, and it's quite a change.
I sent money to Patton for Christmas and Titan money for Uncle Patrick to do the shopping for me. And my vacations are now centered around visiting Titan. I never ever thought I would have room in my heart for other grandchildren as one was missing but I do, it took me a minute but I have love enough to go around. Of course I am not going to be the center of it all no more because Arielle has her parents there in the same town as I am in Florida, and Patton is in Oklahoma. But heck who can win them all right. In this world I was not meant to be a grandmother full time to any of the grand kids, just the lot I have to live with. My grandmother Lucille Tessinari was a wonderful grandmother that I will always treasure in life. And I always wanted to be her as a grandmother. I could have and would have been good at it I think or know for when you were her in Florida.
I kinda got into my family tree some and it's some interesting facts that I will have to start sharing with you. See you may be raised by your mom but your curiosity is going to get the better of you one day. I had to find my biological father in my life and it took me ten years to do that, and I earned a sister Ruby Jenkins from that. No matter what stories you hear, from either my blog or letters to you, or what your mom may tell you or what you may think you know, the curiosity will always be there. And you have your dads blood in you, which will make you part him always. So I am going to have to fill your letters with some background on this part of the family. So you will have the names and dates of people from this side of the family.
For your fathers biological dad do you know he never knew him. Leonard Nathaniel Carter didn't want nothing to do with your father. The man came face to face with your dad one time because your dad wanted to see him and that was it. In a parking lot of a Denny's. The man wouldn't even get out of the car to stand next to his son. He tried denying him till I got a blood test. Gary looks like his biological dad, as you look like your daddy. I am trying to find your fathers half brother for him. It's been years and years I have been on a search for him. I had contacted his grandmother once in all these years and all she said was, "I know about Gary but I don't want nothing to do with him". So your father knows the hurt that comes with not knowing family at all. I am sure it bothers him sometimes but what can be done. You can only try and try and eventually you make peace with it. I think your dad couldn't try in the past because he needed to make peace with himself and what had happened in the relationship with your mom. But self forgiveness can give you the courage to do anything. And he now has to look your mom and even Chad in the eyes and say "I am sorry". But he wants to say it to you more then anyone else. Leonard Nathanial Carter may never ask your father for his forgiveness but that makes him a lesser person, not your father. For a person who is truly sorry can ask for forgivness standing tall and hope that it will be taken in the manner that it was asked.
Christmas is coming up and I don't do much of a celebration. I don't put up a tree or do the whole decorations around the house. Heck we are going to have shepherds pie for Christmas here, no big dinner like I have had in the past when your mom or you were at the table, with your father and his brothers. But a simple meal and a simple time. Family is spread out in different states. Your Uncle Jason is in Arizona for his job and Patrick is with your dad in North Carolina. Lonnie's family is in Oklahoma and it's just going to be quiet and your grandfather and I will probably be working. But we are still blessed, everyone has their health and their families to celebrate with. It's many years since I have had a full blown Christmas. So as this letter winds down some now and I get to the end of all my nonsense I write to you, I WANT TO WISH YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY A MERRY CHRISTMAS. Your father told me its a beautiful country there and that is where you were probably always meant to be with your mom, but one day he will meet you again and hold you tight and all his dreams will come true also. Wish upon a star Krystina that is what we all do these days is wish upon a star for you and sending lots of love and fairy dust your way.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Love your grandmother and grandfather
Today is December 12th and I am writing you and your family and wishing them a Merry Christmas. I have so much to say right now, I know your father is in South Dakota wishing he could see you, but atlas circumstances aren't allowing that to happen. Heard it was your wish and who am I to say it isn't. It's to bad that you couldn't even call him to tell him that yourself. Even hearing your voice would have been a great treat for your father. I plan on making a trip one day with him, and your grandfather. Going to make it a big old family affair. You know I knew your mom as a wonderful person who I loved so very dearly and never stopped loving. I always considered her a part of the family and still do. God is the only one that can bring this whole mess to an end and one day we can only keep praying it does come to an end.
People can disappoint you, it's a part of life. No one can hide from disappointment in life. But it's how you handle it that makes you the better person or not. I disappointed your mom when I backed away from the situation and gave you up, it was just so exhausting and your dad wanted his mom on his side. I knew she wouldn't ever come back to Florida, even though she told me in our farewell conversation she would. I told her, "no you won't but I believe you will find happiness in South Dakota and you deserve it" as your dad needed to find his happiness and he did with Arielle. It's just you are a big part of that happiness that is missing. A HUGE PART...and it took many years for your father to grow up and at this time and moment I have never been more proud of him. He wasn't welcomed in the motel your mom works at and he walked away without converting back to his bad ways and throwing a temper tantrum. The momma bear almost reared it ugly head with me and I was this close to flying out there. But your daddy is a grown man trying to fix his mistakes and one day you never know he may have that chance. He found another room in town and found a quiet spot and wrote what he wanted away from the hustle and bustle of his life. And he stood up as a man and let it flow.
I have to tell you a secret, he isn't the best writer but the letter I just read was from his heart of hearts to you. Your dad wanted and asked me to post this letter to my blog, wanting the world to know that a daddy was out here waiting for the day he can meet you. What a letter I can't even keep the tears from coming. WOW!!!! Your mom and Gary were so young and so into each other when they were young. I now know I was kinda fooled by the whole situation from your grandma Marie but that is in the past. You may find a love like that one day where it is all consuming and not the best. Your father, my son, wasn't ready for it and neither was your mom. Your father is trying to make amends, and that is a long time coming, but it will and may take a lifetime to do just that. But aren't we all always trying to make amends in the wrong we do people. If you can't find it in your heart to make a relationship with your father then one day I hope you tell him that face to face, because being told that on a third party line isn't the way to tell someone to "go to hell".
I will never stop writing you letters in this blog. A grandmother can do what can be done to reach out and say "I LOVE YOU". I have strangers all over the world reading this and sending their support and messages thru Facebook and such. It's quite revealing how many people have gotten in touch with me. I have a granddaughter on Lonnie's side named Patton Dallas Gallaway and I have Titan Rey Tessinari. But I also have Krystina Lucille Tessinari out there in the world. I am planning a trip for Patton to come and visit Disney next year and when Titan is old enough I plan on taking him to Disney. I have a whole house to myself with Grandpa now as all my kids, your father an his brothers have all found their own way now, and it's quite a change.
I sent money to Patton for Christmas and Titan money for Uncle Patrick to do the shopping for me. And my vacations are now centered around visiting Titan. I never ever thought I would have room in my heart for other grandchildren as one was missing but I do, it took me a minute but I have love enough to go around. Of course I am not going to be the center of it all no more because Arielle has her parents there in the same town as I am in Florida, and Patton is in Oklahoma. But heck who can win them all right. In this world I was not meant to be a grandmother full time to any of the grand kids, just the lot I have to live with. My grandmother Lucille Tessinari was a wonderful grandmother that I will always treasure in life. And I always wanted to be her as a grandmother. I could have and would have been good at it I think or know for when you were her in Florida.
I kinda got into my family tree some and it's some interesting facts that I will have to start sharing with you. See you may be raised by your mom but your curiosity is going to get the better of you one day. I had to find my biological father in my life and it took me ten years to do that, and I earned a sister Ruby Jenkins from that. No matter what stories you hear, from either my blog or letters to you, or what your mom may tell you or what you may think you know, the curiosity will always be there. And you have your dads blood in you, which will make you part him always. So I am going to have to fill your letters with some background on this part of the family. So you will have the names and dates of people from this side of the family.
For your fathers biological dad do you know he never knew him. Leonard Nathaniel Carter didn't want nothing to do with your father. The man came face to face with your dad one time because your dad wanted to see him and that was it. In a parking lot of a Denny's. The man wouldn't even get out of the car to stand next to his son. He tried denying him till I got a blood test. Gary looks like his biological dad, as you look like your daddy. I am trying to find your fathers half brother for him. It's been years and years I have been on a search for him. I had contacted his grandmother once in all these years and all she said was, "I know about Gary but I don't want nothing to do with him". So your father knows the hurt that comes with not knowing family at all. I am sure it bothers him sometimes but what can be done. You can only try and try and eventually you make peace with it. I think your dad couldn't try in the past because he needed to make peace with himself and what had happened in the relationship with your mom. But self forgiveness can give you the courage to do anything. And he now has to look your mom and even Chad in the eyes and say "I am sorry". But he wants to say it to you more then anyone else. Leonard Nathanial Carter may never ask your father for his forgiveness but that makes him a lesser person, not your father. For a person who is truly sorry can ask for forgivness standing tall and hope that it will be taken in the manner that it was asked.
Christmas is coming up and I don't do much of a celebration. I don't put up a tree or do the whole decorations around the house. Heck we are going to have shepherds pie for Christmas here, no big dinner like I have had in the past when your mom or you were at the table, with your father and his brothers. But a simple meal and a simple time. Family is spread out in different states. Your Uncle Jason is in Arizona for his job and Patrick is with your dad in North Carolina. Lonnie's family is in Oklahoma and it's just going to be quiet and your grandfather and I will probably be working. But we are still blessed, everyone has their health and their families to celebrate with. It's many years since I have had a full blown Christmas. So as this letter winds down some now and I get to the end of all my nonsense I write to you, I WANT TO WISH YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY A MERRY CHRISTMAS. Your father told me its a beautiful country there and that is where you were probably always meant to be with your mom, but one day he will meet you again and hold you tight and all his dreams will come true also. Wish upon a star Krystina that is what we all do these days is wish upon a star for you and sending lots of love and fairy dust your way.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Love your grandmother and grandfather
To My Daughter Krystina Lucille Tessinari - December 12, 2014
Dear Krystina,
I love you, and miss you so much. Words can't express the love I have for you. Im sitting here up on a hill behind the hotel and wow. I can see why your mother wanted you here. Your backyard is absolutely beautiful, and I cant wait to hike it with you. Go as high and far as we can, and look out .mas if it's all ours for the taking. Ive seen pictures of you, and I have to say your a pretty amazing little girl. Climbing mountains, riding horses, dancing at festivals, leads me to wonder what you cant do. And every day I grow more and more envious of South Dakota. I'm sorry if I offended you by coming, but you have to understand that I have to. Just to be in the same city as you for even just a day makes me the happiest man in the world. And ill keep coming back, and hopefully when your ready we can take that walk. And ill tell you stories of monsters and how your mother and I fought to keep them away. And tales of an old mother hen waiting on the day she can see you coming up that brick path to her door. And her husband an old goat thats greying now, but still can conjure up a country joke youll never understand but laugh anyways. And we can get lost in the hills, talking about a time long forgotten. A time when you lived in a city that replaced the mountains with tall buildings and roller coasters. A time when kids had the best times of there lives just swimming and throwing each other into a neighborhood pool. And when your mom says no more soda, I tell how many vanilla cokes she had in one summer. I'll tell you about your brother Titan, a little giant now but soon to be up there with you. My princess and my prince. We can walk and jump and laugh at little girls who wore princess costumes everywhere she went. And I can get to know the one they used to call phat phat. I don't know if your mom's told you but your dads a chef. So after our hike we can come back and I'll cook you something you've never had. There's a saying in Italy that with all this beauty in the world, and all this sweet, you must have some bitter. So we can relax on the porch, you a hot chocolate me a coffee and you can ask me all those hard questions. Questions like why did I hurt your mother. And I'll say that I was young and couldn't look past my childish ways to see the future. Questions like did you ever love my mom, and I'll say yes, but I love more that she's happy here. Questions like did I ever miss you, and I'll say yes every day. Questions like do I still love you, and I'll say I never stopped. But this letter is the first of many as well as this visit. I cant wait to see the woman you become and hope to have a front row seat. I love you and will never stop. Ill travel the world with you on my mind and in my heart.
Love your father.
I love you, and miss you so much. Words can't express the love I have for you. Im sitting here up on a hill behind the hotel and wow. I can see why your mother wanted you here. Your backyard is absolutely beautiful, and I cant wait to hike it with you. Go as high and far as we can, and look out .mas if it's all ours for the taking. Ive seen pictures of you, and I have to say your a pretty amazing little girl. Climbing mountains, riding horses, dancing at festivals, leads me to wonder what you cant do. And every day I grow more and more envious of South Dakota. I'm sorry if I offended you by coming, but you have to understand that I have to. Just to be in the same city as you for even just a day makes me the happiest man in the world. And ill keep coming back, and hopefully when your ready we can take that walk. And ill tell you stories of monsters and how your mother and I fought to keep them away. And tales of an old mother hen waiting on the day she can see you coming up that brick path to her door. And her husband an old goat thats greying now, but still can conjure up a country joke youll never understand but laugh anyways. And we can get lost in the hills, talking about a time long forgotten. A time when you lived in a city that replaced the mountains with tall buildings and roller coasters. A time when kids had the best times of there lives just swimming and throwing each other into a neighborhood pool. And when your mom says no more soda, I tell how many vanilla cokes she had in one summer. I'll tell you about your brother Titan, a little giant now but soon to be up there with you. My princess and my prince. We can walk and jump and laugh at little girls who wore princess costumes everywhere she went. And I can get to know the one they used to call phat phat. I don't know if your mom's told you but your dads a chef. So after our hike we can come back and I'll cook you something you've never had. There's a saying in Italy that with all this beauty in the world, and all this sweet, you must have some bitter. So we can relax on the porch, you a hot chocolate me a coffee and you can ask me all those hard questions. Questions like why did I hurt your mother. And I'll say that I was young and couldn't look past my childish ways to see the future. Questions like did you ever love my mom, and I'll say yes, but I love more that she's happy here. Questions like did I ever miss you, and I'll say yes every day. Questions like do I still love you, and I'll say I never stopped. But this letter is the first of many as well as this visit. I cant wait to see the woman you become and hope to have a front row seat. I love you and will never stop. Ill travel the world with you on my mind and in my heart.
Love your father.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Krystina Lucille Tessinari
Dearest Krystina
Well I haven't wrote to you since my father died, which would be your great grandfather. It was a sad day to hear the news and when I sat for over 24 hours trying to handle the feelings I was having on the news I though about why I never wrote about him to you. I never did because he wasn't there in my life to write about. I knew what I remembered when I was young and I knew what I wanted our relationship to be, but it just wasn't there. Now since its been a couple of weeks I wonder about you and your father. How would you feel if something happened to him and you didn't know him? How would any questions you may have had for him not be answered to your satisfaction. You will hear a lot of stories about him from others and you will read this blog and the things I have said. But there is only one person that can answer your questions and that would be your father. I find that at 46 years old the questions were there in my mind but I didn't have the father to answer them for me in life and now certainly not in death. So it will always be a guessing game for me from this point on. I wrote a eulogy for my father and posted it in this blog and its the most honest true feelings I have on the man. It's a shame that a man that had three living children had a funeral or whatever and not one of us kids wanted to go to it. It's a shame that my children or my great grandchildren didn't know this man, not on any of our faults and not wanting to, but on his faults for not wanting to will this fall.
I love you Krystina and I feel I write these little letters to tell you that. But if tomorrow or the next day I leave this earth there is always a record that I loved you, wanted you, and made a terrible mistake on my behalf to not being able to be in your life to tell you that everyday of your life. I made the mistake but others have not forgiven me enough to allow me the second chance to be your grandmother neither. And that's the truth on my behalf, in my mind and in what and how this whole thing is handled by the adults in your life. I will not stop these letters to you like they want me to and have sent word for me to stop. They are the only thing that keeps me in touch with you. I thought about it. I thought let me stop and see what happens. I have stopped for a few months at a time, but then I get this incredible urge that says, "hell no don't stop" because that granddaughter of yours will think you forgot about her. So I keep on and will keep on writing you these silly and heartfelt notes until they as the adults in your life says, "okay enough is enough, get to know your granddaughter". Pathetic of me right to want to get to know you. Guess the last laugh is on me, it is pathetic but the only thing I have left.
Krystina know that if I die and you don't get to know me, I am a crazy woman who loved you so very much. And I am sorry that we didn't get to know each other. There is going to be plenty of people looking for you if something happens to me. They will wait until you are in your 20's (I changed that from 18) and they will find you because I have armed them with enough information on you to find you till the ends of this earth. And they will present you with my words from this blog and other means. You will know there is a old woman out here that never gave up hope of meeting you one day. I loved your mommy for so long and I loved you for so long. But love isn't enough when it comes to this mess. My father didn't want to be a part of my life, yet I will never allow you to believe I didn't want to be a part of your life. Because I did and still want it more then life itself.
I write you telling you how much you are loved little one, and I wonder if I express that enough in my letters to you. You were the angel I got to name, you were the angel sent from the heavens that allowed me to slow down and be a grandmother to you. Until the day it just wasn't there anymore. So live and be you and I will be me and one day before I die and leave this earth I hope we meet again. Stay sweet and stay strong.
Love always
Grandma
Well I haven't wrote to you since my father died, which would be your great grandfather. It was a sad day to hear the news and when I sat for over 24 hours trying to handle the feelings I was having on the news I though about why I never wrote about him to you. I never did because he wasn't there in my life to write about. I knew what I remembered when I was young and I knew what I wanted our relationship to be, but it just wasn't there. Now since its been a couple of weeks I wonder about you and your father. How would you feel if something happened to him and you didn't know him? How would any questions you may have had for him not be answered to your satisfaction. You will hear a lot of stories about him from others and you will read this blog and the things I have said. But there is only one person that can answer your questions and that would be your father. I find that at 46 years old the questions were there in my mind but I didn't have the father to answer them for me in life and now certainly not in death. So it will always be a guessing game for me from this point on. I wrote a eulogy for my father and posted it in this blog and its the most honest true feelings I have on the man. It's a shame that a man that had three living children had a funeral or whatever and not one of us kids wanted to go to it. It's a shame that my children or my great grandchildren didn't know this man, not on any of our faults and not wanting to, but on his faults for not wanting to will this fall.
I love you Krystina and I feel I write these little letters to tell you that. But if tomorrow or the next day I leave this earth there is always a record that I loved you, wanted you, and made a terrible mistake on my behalf to not being able to be in your life to tell you that everyday of your life. I made the mistake but others have not forgiven me enough to allow me the second chance to be your grandmother neither. And that's the truth on my behalf, in my mind and in what and how this whole thing is handled by the adults in your life. I will not stop these letters to you like they want me to and have sent word for me to stop. They are the only thing that keeps me in touch with you. I thought about it. I thought let me stop and see what happens. I have stopped for a few months at a time, but then I get this incredible urge that says, "hell no don't stop" because that granddaughter of yours will think you forgot about her. So I keep on and will keep on writing you these silly and heartfelt notes until they as the adults in your life says, "okay enough is enough, get to know your granddaughter". Pathetic of me right to want to get to know you. Guess the last laugh is on me, it is pathetic but the only thing I have left.
Krystina know that if I die and you don't get to know me, I am a crazy woman who loved you so very much. And I am sorry that we didn't get to know each other. There is going to be plenty of people looking for you if something happens to me. They will wait until you are in your 20's (I changed that from 18) and they will find you because I have armed them with enough information on you to find you till the ends of this earth. And they will present you with my words from this blog and other means. You will know there is a old woman out here that never gave up hope of meeting you one day. I loved your mommy for so long and I loved you for so long. But love isn't enough when it comes to this mess. My father didn't want to be a part of my life, yet I will never allow you to believe I didn't want to be a part of your life. Because I did and still want it more then life itself.
I write you telling you how much you are loved little one, and I wonder if I express that enough in my letters to you. You were the angel I got to name, you were the angel sent from the heavens that allowed me to slow down and be a grandmother to you. Until the day it just wasn't there anymore. So live and be you and I will be me and one day before I die and leave this earth I hope we meet again. Stay sweet and stay strong.
Love always
Grandma
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