Dearest Krystina
Today is December 12th and I am writing you and your family and wishing them a Merry Christmas. I have so much to say right now, I know your father is in South Dakota wishing he could see you, but atlas circumstances aren't allowing that to happen. Heard it was your wish and who am I to say it isn't. It's to bad that you couldn't even call him to tell him that yourself. Even hearing your voice would have been a great treat for your father. I plan on making a trip one day with him, and your grandfather. Going to make it a big old family affair. You know I knew your mom as a wonderful person who I loved so very dearly and never stopped loving. I always considered her a part of the family and still do. God is the only one that can bring this whole mess to an end and one day we can only keep praying it does come to an end.
People can disappoint you, it's a part of life. No one can hide from disappointment in life. But it's how you handle it that makes you the better person or not. I disappointed your mom when I backed away from the situation and gave you up, it was just so exhausting and your dad wanted his mom on his side. I knew she wouldn't ever come back to Florida, even though she told me in our farewell conversation she would. I told her, "no you won't but I believe you will find happiness in South Dakota and you deserve it" as your dad needed to find his happiness and he did with Arielle. It's just you are a big part of that happiness that is missing. A HUGE PART...and it took many years for your father to grow up and at this time and moment I have never been more proud of him. He wasn't welcomed in the motel your mom works at and he walked away without converting back to his bad ways and throwing a temper tantrum. The momma bear almost reared it ugly head with me and I was this close to flying out there. But your daddy is a grown man trying to fix his mistakes and one day you never know he may have that chance. He found another room in town and found a quiet spot and wrote what he wanted away from the hustle and bustle of his life. And he stood up as a man and let it flow.
I have to tell you a secret, he isn't the best writer but the letter I just read was from his heart of hearts to you. Your dad wanted and asked me to post this letter to my blog, wanting the world to know that a daddy was out here waiting for the day he can meet you. What a letter I can't even keep the tears from coming. WOW!!!! Your mom and Gary were so young and so into each other when they were young. I now know I was kinda fooled by the whole situation from your grandma Marie but that is in the past. You may find a love like that one day where it is all consuming and not the best. Your father, my son, wasn't ready for it and neither was your mom. Your father is trying to make amends, and that is a long time coming, but it will and may take a lifetime to do just that. But aren't we all always trying to make amends in the wrong we do people. If you can't find it in your heart to make a relationship with your father then one day I hope you tell him that face to face, because being told that on a third party line isn't the way to tell someone to "go to hell".
I will never stop writing you letters in this blog. A grandmother can do what can be done to reach out and say "I LOVE YOU". I have strangers all over the world reading this and sending their support and messages thru Facebook and such. It's quite revealing how many people have gotten in touch with me. I have a granddaughter on Lonnie's side named Patton Dallas Gallaway and I have Titan Rey Tessinari. But I also have Krystina Lucille Tessinari out there in the world. I am planning a trip for Patton to come and visit Disney next year and when Titan is old enough I plan on taking him to Disney. I have a whole house to myself with Grandpa now as all my kids, your father an his brothers have all found their own way now, and it's quite a change.
I sent money to Patton for Christmas and Titan money for Uncle Patrick to do the shopping for me. And my vacations are now centered around visiting Titan. I never ever thought I would have room in my heart for other grandchildren as one was missing but I do, it took me a minute but I have love enough to go around. Of course I am not going to be the center of it all no more because Arielle has her parents there in the same town as I am in Florida, and Patton is in Oklahoma. But heck who can win them all right. In this world I was not meant to be a grandmother full time to any of the grand kids, just the lot I have to live with. My grandmother Lucille Tessinari was a wonderful grandmother that I will always treasure in life. And I always wanted to be her as a grandmother. I could have and would have been good at it I think or know for when you were her in Florida.
I kinda got into my family tree some and it's some interesting facts that I will have to start sharing with you. See you may be raised by your mom but your curiosity is going to get the better of you one day. I had to find my biological father in my life and it took me ten years to do that, and I earned a sister Ruby Jenkins from that. No matter what stories you hear, from either my blog or letters to you, or what your mom may tell you or what you may think you know, the curiosity will always be there. And you have your dads blood in you, which will make you part him always. So I am going to have to fill your letters with some background on this part of the family. So you will have the names and dates of people from this side of the family.
For your fathers biological dad do you know he never knew him. Leonard Nathaniel Carter didn't want nothing to do with your father. The man came face to face with your dad one time because your dad wanted to see him and that was it. In a parking lot of a Denny's. The man wouldn't even get out of the car to stand next to his son. He tried denying him till I got a blood test. Gary looks like his biological dad, as you look like your daddy. I am trying to find your fathers half brother for him. It's been years and years I have been on a search for him. I had contacted his grandmother once in all these years and all she said was, "I know about Gary but I don't want nothing to do with him". So your father knows the hurt that comes with not knowing family at all. I am sure it bothers him sometimes but what can be done. You can only try and try and eventually you make peace with it. I think your dad couldn't try in the past because he needed to make peace with himself and what had happened in the relationship with your mom. But self forgiveness can give you the courage to do anything. And he now has to look your mom and even Chad in the eyes and say "I am sorry". But he wants to say it to you more then anyone else. Leonard Nathanial Carter may never ask your father for his forgiveness but that makes him a lesser person, not your father. For a person who is truly sorry can ask for forgivness standing tall and hope that it will be taken in the manner that it was asked.
Christmas is coming up and I don't do much of a celebration. I don't put up a tree or do the whole decorations around the house. Heck we are going to have shepherds pie for Christmas here, no big dinner like I have had in the past when your mom or you were at the table, with your father and his brothers. But a simple meal and a simple time. Family is spread out in different states. Your Uncle Jason is in Arizona for his job and Patrick is with your dad in North Carolina. Lonnie's family is in Oklahoma and it's just going to be quiet and your grandfather and I will probably be working. But we are still blessed, everyone has their health and their families to celebrate with. It's many years since I have had a full blown Christmas. So as this letter winds down some now and I get to the end of all my nonsense I write to you, I WANT TO WISH YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY A MERRY CHRISTMAS. Your father told me its a beautiful country there and that is where you were probably always meant to be with your mom, but one day he will meet you again and hold you tight and all his dreams will come true also. Wish upon a star Krystina that is what we all do these days is wish upon a star for you and sending lots of love and fairy dust your way.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Love your grandmother and grandfather
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