Dearest Krystina
Seen some pics of you today and you are growing up so beautiful. I have many friends that like to send me pics and you are just a lovely young lady. It's amazing how you look like your father. Just amazing to me.
Your sister is growing up so quickly. It reminds me the years are going by. I know you are writing your father and that is wonderful. Even if you are asking the tough questions and stuff, it is what's expected. You are going to have questions aren't you. Such a smart young lady. I was told you are being called "nerd" in school. Yes I do know that. Not by your mom, your stepfather, grandmother, or Aunt Nikki. So if any of your family is reading this don't fret you aren't being told on by immediate family and don't have to start a fight over it. I do have people that know this blog and send me things. And a lot trying to "friend" me on FB, and send me news. Krystina you wouldn't believe the people that read this blog and have supported me in my efforts in keeping you in my thoughts and writing to you. To many to count sometimes, old friends and new friends it's like a little support community out here with me and all over the country. It's a beautiful thing sometimes.
You are a beautiful young lady now. Going to find your way int the world and the advise your step father gave you was very very solid advice. Quite good actually, and that isn't surprising. It's still a horrendous situation that I can't reach out to your family or you and its a new year and only hope keeps me writing these letters to you. But one day, forgiveness will or enter their hearts. I am not into all the "god" stuff and won't claim to be and sprout all the "god" will find a way and this and that, because that would be hypercritical, but hopefully forgiveness does come into their hearts one day toward me. You can only have hope. I turn 47 years old this year, another year. And it does get harder and harder sometimes with each passing year. I get older and older, I have found many friends and have gained family and the one that is missing in this huge world is you. I know where to find you, I know where you are and that's the toughest part is not being able to reach out to you on your birthday or holiday's. It's not that hard to know where people are these days, the whole world is in a search engine. But I can type you name in the "google" search and I find you all over the internet. I guess this blog makes you one special person.
Some one approached me about writing a book. A grandmother love to a grand daughter, or something like that. I had to smile and think that would be a great book. You see all the time U Tube video's of dying wishes or people writing touching letters that sound so much better then my letters to you. So I don't think I am really that special except that this is the only way I could reach out to you. And the minute I would be allowed right back in your life even to start off small the letters here would probably be non existent. But I have this and will always write on this till that day happens. I am planning a "all girls slumber party" for my 47th birthday with my friends here. A lot of them have moved back to the Florida area and I have never had a slumber party before and I figured I am due one at my age. Its going to be so much fun. I want to do nails and toes and makeup and hair....get all dressed up to have dinner and hit a club to dance and just feel 20 instead of 47. You will find that happens to you when you get older you try to hang on to youth. Well for one 24 hour period that is what I am going to do. Let my hair down and have a "slumber" party. I am going to go bungy jumping to, can you believe that. Its not the actual one where it goes around your ankles but the one where two people sit in a cage kind of thing and they sling shot you. It's in Kissimmee, Florida and I can not wait. I want to do that one time in my life, oh oh sounds like I need to make a "bucket list".
I started last year to lose weight and I started at 316 pounds. Was not proud of that what so ever and I weigh in at 268 now. I am still trying to give up smoking, don't pick up that nasty habit please. I can't believe my sons, your father and Uncle's have never picked it up living with me, but they never did. Your great grandmother was upset recently because she is going to have to sell her home and didn't want to face reality that she is never going to live by herself ever again. And I think about getting older and what will happen when I can't do for myself any longer neither. There are so many regrets I have and so much happiness also. We all have to face the reality that time flies and you may look back and say, "how did that happen". I look back at a biological father that I never got to know but gained two sisters out of. Of course one denies me but the other one and the youngest "Ruby Jenkins" we are like sisters all our lives, she is in Greenville, North Carolina. I have opened my heart up these days to the younger children in my life, not just Titan Rey but I have another granddaughter through Grandpa Lonnie's son, "Payton Gallaway". She is beautiful and so cute. She has a birthday on January 25th, I think she is 6 years old. She lives in Sherry, Oklahoma your Grandpa Lonnie's home state. I am bringing her to Florida in 2016 for Disney. Can't wait for that. I found through talking to others I won't be dishonoring you by showing love to the children from my friends or other family members but I will spread the love out and I am a good grandma.
But these letter aren't going to stop Krystina, never as long as you are out there and I will write on my dying bed even if I have to have some type it up and let you know I am gone. But I have made many many plans with many many people about this blog anyway. And how it will be given to you for many years to come. I am a planner always seeking the right information or asking the questions and its just how I am. You may have that trait in you, and you may not. But you may grow up and say "I wonder" and go out on your own to find the answers to. You may have disappointments in those answers and you may say it's time to "forgive" and what took so long and how many years have I missed because of this and that. But it's only up to you to decide when you come around to seeking those things. Only you can make those decisions, people around you can influence you. Believe me I have been influenced in my time on making wrong decision, but that is what life is about learning from wrong and trying to do it right. I don't think anyone has learned that completely its all trial and error. You will find that people will try to make you believe certain things and even though it might be true and may not you have to make up your own mind on things. Hell I have put enough of my families business out there that you shouldn't even take my word for anything and some of it I have been corrected on and some of it I still have to tell and let it be known. It doesn't bother me anymore what so ever if people have something to say because their opinions make you think about it in a different way that you may not even have thought about. I didn't know your step father was adopted, I still have my opinions on why your mother can't show kindness when I have always been there for her from the beginning when she moved out of her own mothers house. I don't think I have ever denied her anything she ever needed from me. But I am sure she has her own opinions and probably it all makes sense to her. I made a mistake and she won't forgive me. But that's okay she is still cherished by me in my heart after the anger and the hurt dissolved.
This is again kinda lengthy for one letter. Guess I am being talkative today. But remember this, it's time to fill the letters up with names and places so when you are ready to find us you will. It at least gives you the names to look up and such. Because as I went on that journey many many years ago to find my biological father you will do the same to find your fathers family also. I have the utmost confidence in you to do that. Love you dearest granddaughter and may the universe and god watch out for you and yours.
Love always a grandmother in waiting
Grandma MyLinh
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