Krystina Lucille Tessinari

Dearest Krystina

Well I haven't wrote to you since my father died, which would be your great grandfather.  It was a sad day to hear the news and when I sat for over 24 hours trying to handle the feelings I was having on the news I though about why I never wrote about him to you.  I never did because he wasn't there in my life to write about.  I knew what I remembered when I was young and I knew what I wanted our relationship to be, but it just wasn't there.  Now since its been a couple of weeks I wonder about you and your father.  How would you feel if something happened to him and you didn't know him?  How would any questions you may have had for him not be answered to your satisfaction.  You will hear a lot of stories about him from others and you will read this blog and the things I have said.  But there is only one person that can answer your questions and that would be your father.  I find that at 46 years old the questions were there in my mind but I didn't have the father to answer them for me in life and now certainly not in death.  So it will always be a guessing game for me from this point on.  I wrote a eulogy for my father and posted it in this blog and its the most honest true feelings I have on the man.  It's a shame that a man that had three living children had a funeral or whatever and not one of us kids wanted to go to it.  It's a shame that my children or my great grandchildren didn't know this man, not on any of our faults and not wanting to, but on his faults for not wanting to will this fall.

I love you Krystina and I feel I write these little letters to tell you that.  But if tomorrow or the next day I leave this earth there is always a record that I loved you, wanted you, and made a terrible mistake on my behalf to not being able to be in your life to tell you that everyday of your life.  I made the mistake but others have not forgiven me enough to allow me the second chance to be your grandmother neither.  And that's the truth on my behalf, in my mind and in what and how this whole thing is handled by the adults in your life.  I will not stop these letters to you like they want me to and have sent word for me to stop.  They are the only thing that keeps me in touch with you.  I thought about it.  I thought let me stop and see what happens.  I have stopped for a few months at a time, but then I get this incredible urge that says, "hell no don't stop" because that granddaughter of yours will think you forgot about her.  So I keep on and will keep on writing you these silly and heartfelt notes until they as the adults in your life says, "okay enough is enough, get to know your granddaughter".  Pathetic of me right to want to get to know you.  Guess the last laugh is on me, it is pathetic but the only thing I have left.

Krystina know that if I die and you don't get to know me, I am a crazy woman who loved you so very much.  And I am sorry that we didn't get to know each other.  There is going to be plenty of people looking for you if something happens to me.  They will wait until you are in your 20's (I changed that from 18) and they will find you because I have armed them with enough information on you to  find you till the ends of this earth.  And they will present you with my words from this blog and other means.  You will know there is a old woman out here that never gave up hope of meeting you one day.  I loved your mommy for so long and I loved you for so long.  But love isn't enough when it comes to this mess.  My father didn't want to be a part of my life, yet I will never allow you to believe I didn't want to be a part of your life.  Because I did and still want it more then life itself.

I write you telling you how much you are loved little one, and I wonder if I express that enough in my letters to you.  You were the angel I got to name, you were the angel sent from the heavens that allowed me to slow down and be a grandmother to you.  Until the day it just wasn't there anymore.  So live and be you and I will be me and one day before I die and leave this earth I hope we meet again.  Stay sweet and stay strong.

Love always
Grandma