Mistakes Happen It's How We Learn

  My name is Sara Jane Bragg, inmate #50493 and I am 31 years old.  I want to first take the time to humbly thank you for your time and allowing me to present this to you.  I also want to thank you for considering my application.

  My memories of the way I was raised wasn’t of physical abuse, we were never beaten or belittled, and it was more of indifference with no structure.  My first memory was is of my drunken grandfather keeping my siblings and myself.  What food we may have had was cooked on a grill because we rarely had electricity.  There was a lot of fish because it could be caught, and other food depended on who could go to the store and successfully steal it.  My grandfather did whatever odd job he could to make money to drink, not feed us.  I was the youngest and my older sister and brother got to escape to school, I couldn’t wait for the day I could go to school, at least there was electricity there.  My parents were too busy chasing their next high.   They were cocaine addicts and wasn’t concerned about us much.  As long as we had an adult around they felt we had supervision, and they could go about getting high.  

  When my grandpa passed, my parents had to take over raising us.  As a kid you love your parents no matter what, you never told anyone what went on in the family.  When my mom walked the streets to make money for drugs, food, or rent my dad would sometimes wake us up to go out and look for her.  At that time I would just pray that we wouldn’t find her in a ditch someplace.  It wasn’t so much that my dad worried about her welfare, but that he wanted the money she made for his next hit of crack.  You find yourself turning the fear into a game of hide and seek in your mind.  Who can find mom? 

  My siblings and I were rarely supervised.  We did what we wanted with little to no punishment, but punishment never stuck because they didn’t pay attention enough to make it stick.  As I see it, as long as we were out of the way my parents could do what they wanted which was chasing that next high.  My sister ended up losing her virginity to some guy who fooled her into his car, kidnapped and raped her, she was in elementary school.  It made her grow up fast and try to find love and attention in all the wrong places.  At 12 years old she had a child with a man who took advantage of her need to be loved.  My parents were indifferent to it after all there was absolute no family structure.  On the rare moments something special happened it was cut short or ruined because of crack.  We would have Christmas and a week later the things that had value was pawned, same goes for our birthdays, this was normal to me.  This to me was how all parents treated their children.  This was my life with many more incidents that could be told, but to tell it all could end up a book.

  I ended up meeting a man that beat me, and fathered my two children.  Even though I wasn’t beaten as a child, a beating to me meant that I was noticed, for once.  I thought dysfunctional was normal.  I thought that I was seen unlike how my parent’s raised me with indifference or going unseen by them.  I didn’t want to be my parents, I did get to see other families and how they lived.  I wanted to have children and be the opposite of how I was brought up.   My mom did eventually escape crack only to become a drinker and a pill user, she left my dad because he wouldn’t get off crack.  That to me was a proud moment, she took a big step.  I couldn’t see at that moment that the drinking and pills would take her life faster than the crack.  Three years after my mom passed from pills and drinking my sister passed the same way.  Only my sister meant to do it because of a man causing her pain.  

  I have stated that I didn’t want to be my parents, and honestly I don’t know when I did.  Not by being indifferent to my kids or for them to feel unseen, but with the drug use.  I can come up with excuses, but I feel that I didn’t learn how to cope with problems while I was growing up.  So when problems aroused and got too much to handle I turned to what I knew to chase them away.  Drugs was how I handled my emotions and took away the pain because my parents never taught me that emotions was okay, they never listened to us, or just didn’t know how to cope themselves with their own emotions.  I have to admit that I had a choice to make, and I chose wrong.  I didn’t have the structure to help me make that choice, I chose the only path that made sense to me.  I needed an escape from my own problems and I chose drugs.  

  I gave my kids to their dad and I left him.  I didn’t leave them with him because I wanted to, that decision almost killed me.  I was struggling with my mom and sisters death by this point.  He may have beat me but didn’t beat the children.  There was an incident that in his care my 6 month old son was taken, because it was said he was shaken.  If it wasn’t for me coming home from work and rushing him to the hospital he would have died.  I couldn’t say it was his dad that did it, because I wasn’t home.  He was established and had a decent family structure where I had none of those things.  I was struggling to make ends meet and on drugs.  I didn’t want them around myself nor my family with the drug use.  My decision was based on giving them a chance in life.  Even being a pill popper my children would have suffered in my care, yet my decision put me at a disadvantage with their father, he used them against me.  If he wanted sex from me he would withhold them from me until he got whatever he wanted, or I didn’t get to see them at all.  This on top of everything else going on in my life caused me to attempt suicide in 2007.  My father actually saved my life and called 911.  

(listing your criminal record)

  This is my criminal background and the dates for those charges.  I know this makes me look like a career criminal, looking at the charges I understand why.  Honestly, I wish I had someone in my life that shook me and explained to me where I’d end up if I continued the path I was on.  It makes me sad to look at this list.  I know what my potential could have been, I know what I want for my future.  It does not involve catching any more charges to add to this ridiculously long list.  There is many excuses I could give as to why I’ve caught these charges but they’d all be hollow.  It would show that the time I’ve done has taught me nothing, there is no excuse that would be good enough, let alone accepted or should be accepted.  I am in this position because of my own choices.  My childhood or my life didn’t help, but there is one thing I know someway or somehow I want to do better.  To do better for myself and my children.  I want to break the cycle of dysfunctional family and drug use.

  A lot of the programs and classes that I would like to take here have restrictions, these are the programs I am able to present to you.  I was part of several AA/NA programs and plan on continuing them, even upon release.  I know that meetings are beneficial to my sobriety, which my first step is to remain sober, I have a lot going on for myself.  So being outside of prison doesn’t or shouldn’t stop me from attending meetings.  I do visit the mental health department, I have gone from seeing my counselor once a month to once every three months.  I am on Prozac for depression, Tegretol for mood swings and Vistaril.  I have been diagnosed with depression since 2004.  When I was home I didn’t do anything to control this problem, I wasn’t consistent with taking my medication.  Most of the time when I did take my medication it was only because my dad was sober enough to make sure I did.

  I took a life that day when I decided to take the keys from my father and got behind the wheel of a car high.  And that life had a name, his name was Norman Benzing.  I don’t know much about Mr. Benzing, besides what his family told me in court on my sentencing day.  I know he was a strong man, and even at 67 years old with his wife walked every day.  Mr. Benzing had a wonderful life with family and friends, one that I dream of having and accomplishing.  He was an outdoors man, he climbed tall mountains, he sailed across the country, he loved riding and racing his bike.  His family told me all this in court at my sentencing, but the one thing that will always resonate in me is this, from them, “They hoped I didn’t take a good man’s life for no reason”.  They expressed that they hoped whatever time I did receive, that I would get something from that time.  Did taking a life save mine?  Unfortunately, by my choices Mr. Benzing saved my life and I was the human being that took his.  I am so sorry, more than anyone can even imagine, that it came to that for me to realize the path I was on and to be saved.  That was never my intention, a person shouldn’t have had to take a life and come to prison in order to save their own life.  I can’t change what I did, but I will not allow Mr. Benzing’s life to be in vain.  The least I can do is to live up to what his family expect out of me and honor the life I took.  That has resonated in me with my time here and even if I am released it will follow me for the rest of my own life.  I know my goal is to live a life that Mr. Benzing would be proud of.  He deserves that much from me, he deserves the respect of me living my life to honor his life that I took.  Never will that fact be denied, yet besides Mr. Benzing my own children also deserved better from me.

  My beautiful daughter Ciara, and my son Isaiah, needed me back then and I checked out of their lives.  I don’t intend to do that ever again, I need to be present in their lives.  I need to be there to make sure they don’t follow in my footsteps.  As a parent I have to let them know that the choices in their lives come with consequences.  They deserve so much from me.  I want to show them that my mistakes don’t have to be their mistakes.  Again I want to be a part of breaking the cycle for them, and future generations. 

  Prison isn’t easy, it’s an eye opener for me.  I made sure I didn’t cause a lot of problems and I stayed out of other people’s drama.  I just want to humbly ask for a chance to get released and live an honorable life.  A friend of my mom’s recently contacted me on Christmas 2013.  Seeing that return address gave me a shock.  Never did I think this woman would contact me.  She has been the support I think I have needed all my life.  Her name is MyLinh McDonald, she is 46 years old and has 25 years under her belt for staying clean.  I was friends with her oldest son, and the memories I have of playing at their home is fond memories.  She will tell you she isn’t perfect and that we all have to pay for our mistakes, but if you don’t take those mistakes and learn from them then we are not worth anything in life.  She yelled a lot and kept a structured home life and always wanted the best from her children, which are all grown.  You talk to her boys they will tell you that she was a hard person and crazy and worked all the time, but Gary, the oldest, is a chef, married and has two children.  Jason, her middle child, works hard and is living on his own.  And Patrick, the youngest, is in college to become a teacher.  

  So whatever her children may have found fault in they are grown and accomplished human beings.  She will be the first to tell you that her children tried to go down the wrong path themselves, one of them almost made it into prison, but he is a chef now, it took them a minute to learn from their mistakes but they are learning still, just like she is still learning and her children are good people.  So if my friend can change his ways and become something in life, I know I can.  And she is so proud of them, and having her in my corner can only give me the structure I have wanted and needed, and someone to be there to say, “it’s okay” and “you can do it”.  She has pledged her support to me, we are discussing starting college and what I may want to do when I get out.  A lot of the things I may be interested in has restrictions because of my felony but she is helping research the possibilities for me.  She is willing to start me on the path to find my life and to stick to it and to help with education.  She isn’t rich in money but I know in support she will be there from this point on.  She has already told me what she expects from me in the world and working together will be simpler then working alone to fight for what I want in life.    

  I would love to find a way to help the younger generation in making good choices and to follow their dreams no matter what their circumstances may be.  If for some reasons I find obstacles in the way because of my felony charge, I will find the path around those obstacles and I will succeed.  I know nothing in life is easy, but it’s how well you fight for what you want that will make it even sweeter in the end.  I take this heart, and even if I am just a regular person, raising my children, that will also be an accomplishment to be proud of.  Why do I not put too much into my Aunt Carol and my father with the same support?  Because I know they love me and want me home, but I also know that there is many wounds to heal and I have to know that I am safe and away from anything that can give me pause.  I will always love my family, but if they aren’t good for me to be around then I don’t plan to be around them to sacrifice my own sobriety.  That is the honest truth in the matter, they have to want to save themselves I can’t do it for them.  I learned that in here also.  

  Do I deserve to be released from prison?  There might be a difference in opinions on this matter.  I know that I want to prove to people that I do deserve this.  I have to prove my worth to many people, not everyone succeeds in this one life we have, I have wasted enough of my life, I have taken a life, and I need to prove to everyone I can be the one to succeed.  I want to walk out of here with my head held high and never look back.  And I won’t be back.  Thank you again for your valuable time. 

***THIS LITTLE COMMENTARY IS NOT TOWARD ANYONE AND IF IT WAS I WOULD PUT IT OUT THERE TO WHOMEVER....SO DON'T GET YOUR PANTIES IN A WARD...BUT YEAH IF YOU TAKE THIS TO HEART THEN YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE THAT

  As I sat here and read this from Sara to the clemency board I have to say that I am struck by this young ladies trials and tribulations and her understanding of her mistakes.  I have tears running down my face because I was one of the adults that didn't see everything that was going on.  I had her over to my home, I never saw marks on her, she was always so polite and such a good friend to play with Gary.  But this is what happens when you don't see the problems you may cause a child.  Did I yell and scream, your damn right, all the time.  My sons say I didn't push them enough, well as a mom I guess I have to take that because that's how he see's it.  But one of my sons say this blog pushes them plenty to straighten up in life.  My sons aren't perfect but they are learning to say "why did I do that?"  But you have to also learn to take others people mistakes and watch and learn from them also.  And I am sure there are plenty of people that say I was a horrible mother.  But let me ask you are you such a perfect parent?  What are you doing to your children mentally.  This young lady is in prison from her choices but what kind of an example was her parents.  She choose wrong and didn't have that structure.  I knew her family, but I didn't see everything.  I was so into keeping my own home straight.  And hell I wasn't all that great at it sometimes.  But family is so important it makes you who you are, by learning from your own families mistakes.  My own mom is a horrible parent and I tried to be such the opposite that my own children can tell you, I made mistakes.  My boys and myself fought out and screamed at each other to show feelings, but we did and nothing got held back in those fights.  But its better then not being shown love.  At least yelling is an emotion.  I use this blog to show feeling and such, and oh well if there are people that don't like it.  That's how I deal with my own emotions and how I see things as you see things your way.  But remember not to see things one sided neither.  Honor your children and tell them it's okay that one person see's things differently then others don't be indifferent.  Have the structure they may not like and love them no matter what.  Remember you may not like their actions but you love them because they are yours.  So take this lesson to heart, don't destroy your children.  They need to be told that they are loved and to be shown that mistakes happen it's how we handle them that makes us the extraordinary human beings we are.  I am honored that this beautiful young lady loves me as much as I love her, her actions sucked but the love I have for her is so much more then a mistake.  As are to all that read this.  It's true love no matter what.  We are lucky to survive our own mistakes and choices in life.