You know I wrote the other day about a young lady trying to get forgiveness from the clemency board for her crimes and it's a difficult process, not as easy as saying, "I am sorry". And it shouldn't be if you have done something that landed you in prison. I have to say that I called out everyone that ever did anything wrong and think they are perfect because WE aren't. Some have actually contacted me and said, "I am sorry" or "this is how I saw it". And then it's over and done and I don't blog about them again. How many jobs did we steal from and not just little amounts, we went all out for broke, and then when others were being blamed did we stand up to take the blame. We did things out of the name of love or greed and didn't look back. Do I really need to list what we each did and how much and when and with what job? Was that forgivable? Only because the true people we have affected have no idea what was done to them. And we didn't land in prison. We could have and probably should have. So all that is unforgivable or forgivable, we probably don't even think about the lives we affected with our actions. But its been many years of doing things and saying things to each other, in our actions in many areas in our lives, not giving forgiveness and it's a waste. A TOTAL WASTE. And we still affect lives to this day in many ways, because of this.
My granddaughter left at an early age that she isn't going to remember the people in her lives or what went on around her, so she is going to have to depend on what people tell her. My grandson isn't going to know me like he knows his immediate family and hell may never get to come for the summer to stay with me or grandpa. Is this all forgivable in my book? Yes, it is very forgivable, because life goes on. Lonnie and I have another granddaughter on Lonnie's side of the family and she doesn't understand why grandpa can't just pop over for a visit whenever she wants to see him. So that is three young people that have to say to themselves, we are going to have to get to know each other in order to have a relationship. And then they may not like each other and such and have different upbringings and such and may have to be the generation that says, "I forgive you crazy old people". Life is nothing but drama and forgiveness and such. It's about the good and the bad and what we do with that. We live through the bad to get to the good. And we live through the good to have the fantastic.
I lived through a mother that hated me with jealousy to come out of it this last few months and got the truth and said "FINALLY" and then forgave. There are people that had no parents but then found the parents that were good to them and life was full from that moment on. We had parents that loved us totally but we thought we were in love and such, left our parents, but tortured each other in many ways, not all one sided, but yet we wouldn't know what to do without that parent. We fell in love that was toxic on both sides and one side blames the other and the other side blames the other. But neither wants to take the first step to say, "I am sorry for my part in all this". Or the other can't accept the apology. We have had parents that thought their drugs and such was more important then the human beings we brought into life, and when they end up in prison we wonder why. We turn a blind eye to the needs of other humans and just say it's not my fault. It's a nasty nasty cycle that goes round and round. But what is the most surprising thing is that another person who you never got to know can outshine you and be that better person and such. How did that happen?
Life is a constant cycle of the worst, the bad, the good, the fantastic, and the most peaceful, and the most sincere. I don't know if I deserve to be a grandmother in life. I knew giving birth to three boys that the mothers would have the power of the grandchildren. Think about it that is life. Mother's of your grandchildren can hold the grand-kids as a tool of hurtfulness. You don't agree with them or you have an opinion or you make a choice, they can hold that against you FOREVER. It's not a mean thing it's just part of the cycle. And you have to do what you can to ask and beg for forgiveness. Grandparents have the short end of the stick. It's not like the old days that the family get together on Sunday's and have a family dinner. We are spread out and the relationships are already non existent because of the miles between everyone but add on the unthinkable crime you may have committed or did commit and it gets darn impossible. So even if Krystina, Titan Rey, or Payton grow up and come around to know you better they are by then starting their own lives and you are only a grandparent in Florida. It's one of those tricky little things in life not to piss off the mommies of your grandchildren so that you get a phone call or a picture only you will have. Or that dad isn't forgotten in the matter and then the daddy gets upset that you are getting something he isn't. Vicious cycle that is never ending. It's a minefield and good luck to all the grandparents in the world because you are sincerely going to need it.
I guess I have to be honest with the reality of life and say. I write letters to my grandchildren for them to get to know something about me, because to tell you the truth at 18 they aren't going to give a damn about who the old people are. It's to late and that makes me the saddest. They aren't going to care if you put their birthday money or the little Christmas money in an account for them, it's not going to matter about anything because they don't have that image in their heads of the fun times or anything like that. I can visit with Titan Rey every year and be forgotten one week after I leave his home to come to mine. Yes, yes he will get to know what I put into it. Okay I work, you work and so on and so on....so get a reality check here. Krystina has no idea who I am by now, who grandpa is or Uncle Patrick or Jason is and hopefully she will get to know her dad, but another reality is this I am just a faceless person who says I am a grandmother in wait. She is never going to know what her great grandmother looks like except from pictures if she even see's those. The reality is as a grandparent not being able to see or talk or anything with a grandchild out of being mad or even distance you will never have the relationship you want and dream of. Because it wasn't given early enough and life went on year after year after year.
THATS THE REALITY of all this and it's the reality I try never to visit in my mind much because its the dreams and the fantasy that keep us sane. Forgiveness is the one thing that may have given us a chance but it's the one thing that is being withheld and making it impossible.
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