Why?

  Is there ever a question you want to ask someone and you think that if you had the answer it would make you feel better or at least give you an insight as to "why". I have an answer from my mother that I have always wondered "why". Now she has had a stroke a year ago, and before anything else happened and she ended up in her grave I needed to know "why". I needed to know why I remember the beatings she gave me. Why was I always the target of her anger and hatred. Why did she always want me to be alone and not have any friends? And I think I finally got a truthful answer, jealousy. My grandparents on my father's side spoiled me she said, they always took my side and wouldn't allow my parents to punish me if they deemed fit. My grandparents lived in a town house in Flushing, New York and I would constantly run up and down the stairs to visit my grandparents or my Nana who lived on the third floor and my parents hated that I did that and wanted to punish me and my grandparents told them "no". So my mom saw that as I was being spoiled and loved and didn't like it. She said my father was the same way. My mom told me everyone loved me and spoiled me and she hated that. So she took her anger out on me when that happened. I had to ask the question as to "why", as a child how am I to control what other adults did for me or if they thought I needed to be protected. 

  As a child did I really have that much control on how I was treated by others? Why is it that if I went to their friends house I deserved punishment after we left because they said it was okay not to have to pick up the toys, and why as an adult I deserved to be mentally abused by her. Same answer from her, "jealousy". My mom said people liked me, no matter where I was at people liked me. If it was a co worker or men, people liked me. When her boyfriends gave me a little attention, and not in a sexual way, but just talked to me she hated it, and accused me of sleeping with them. When a group of people wanted to be my friend she hated it. She just hated it all the way around and it was out of pure jealousy that my mom treated me with hatred or punished me for her insecurities in life. 

  That is the most honesty I have received from her. I asked her did she ever treat my brothers the same way, and she said she used to slap them across the face but the "jealousy" wasn't there for them. I got the belt buckle, not just the belt itself. Or I was laid out on the floor and beaten by my brothers by her orders, or I was thrown out in the garage to live for months at a time because there was a dirty dish in the sink or we kids snuck outside to play when she was working. Or get this because I had freckles, I was filthy and that's why I have freckles. All of this is just a seedling of what went on in my life. So I have the answer and now I have and will come to peace because of the answers, but I wouldn't allow her to go to the grave without giving me my answers. I have friends now and they call me when I am going through things and they love me. So this month I turn 46 years old and I have my answers as to "why".