Debts Unpaid

  So now we have to work it all out and come to agreements.  My husband has some issues and I have some issues that we do have to iron out.  Like me telling him Jason my middle child, was told to leave and get a life but left us with his $5000.00 owed on the motorcycle.  Something my husband or myself thought he wouldn't do.  So that's two children that owe us at least $5000 a piece.  Which made him a little upset because do you know we wouldn't have to worry about where the money would come from for retirement if we put that money away and not have to have covered two of our children's debts and such.  I am over it with the Gary debt, hoping one day to see money from him.  But I am tired of bitching about it.  Got it all out in the blog that you have all been reading.  But dear dear Jason who was paying on the motorcycle he destroyed decided since he was told to get the hell out and find a life, that he would leave the debt behind.  Cheap shot, and ASSHOLE.  So I told my husband and it has been stewing with him since his trip and he is quite frankly mad about it.  We work hard and my children work hard, so really?  Why can't you just stop, and take care of your things like men.  Lonnie and I have been there for all of you in many ways.  And this is the thanks we get.  So that makes my husband angry and that's the first he has ever really voiced an opinion on a subject like that.  I agree with him, we are paying things off in our own lives to enjoy retirement and he wanted a motorcycle again or a new truck to have it paid off by the time we retire and Jason pulls this crap and puts that all on the back burner.  ASSHOLE.........

  There are other issues and I will get into it more.  We are working it out, and talking and talking.  But it's pretty shitty that my husband doesn't get what he wants for all the years he's worked because my children are not debt conscious when it comes to us. 

Titan Rey Tessinari

Dearest young Titan,

I don't know if I am to make it out there to see you when you come into this world.  I am again faced with a decision in life that may take that time away from me.  I had a lot of questions on if I wanted to be a grandmother to you and such because of losing my first grandchild to another difficult decision.  I  face  making my marriage work or getting to see you.  I am starting today of the thoughts that I have to sacrifice one for another and it's painful.  I know I can visit in the future but I also know it comes down to time and money for those to happen.  So I guess this blog and these letters will have to be enough for you to get to know your grandmother.  I don't have the luxury to be able to drop anything and go.  I was looking forward to doing that.  Having the house ready for retirement and your grandfather and I can get up and go when ever we wanted.  But again its time spent doing something that doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense.  But its something you have to honor in order to make another happy.  Its all about the sacrifice in life and what you want out of those lives. 

I would make a great grandmother.  I make a great part time grandmother, what I don't make is a great vacation grandmother.  Doesn't make sense I know.   But when you live your life working and working to have a goal at the end of it all and you take a side road, time can get away from you.  Then the next thing you know your ten more years older and you have missed so much.  Well your not even born yet and the letters are going to have to come from my mind onto paper or blog.  I don't have the anything else to give you my lovely young man.  I see you in my mind though.  I see you being the spitting image of your father.  God help you there and the many woman to fall at your feet.  But I see you, and I can't wait till I am introduced to you.  Whatever happens know you have a grandmother out here wanting the time with you also. 

Love you always and forever,

Grandma

Life and Love

Life is hard.  Its a never ending roller coaster ride.  I can't remember to much of my childhood.  Except the beatings.  I can always remember that,  I had to win my mothers approval, but never seemed to reach it.  So I worked hard to gain other people's approval.  I wanted to be loved and cherished for whatever I may be.  But I don't seem to like who I am.  I don't like that I wasn't everything I was meant to be.  God gave me a life that is and has been wasted.  I found love, treated it badly.  Then I was lucky enough to find it again.  And still I lost it.  I am 45 yrs old, I know who I love and am in love with.  Yet he knows he wants to escape.  So what is my escape?  How do I write off the many years I have been in love.  Find another?  I knew how I felt on my wedding day.  Almost like it was meant to be.  And it would be my last.  I knew that all those years ago.  

I had my life full.  I had three wonderful children.  A granddaughter and another on the way.  Thought I would spend the next 20 years with the man I loved.  Is it a midlife crisis?  Who knows?  All you get is "I don't know".  I don't have the answers.  If I could get the answers my life would be straight.  But it's not.  It makes me sad.  Very very sad.  There's no way he can not say he doesn't know if I love him.  I sit here waiting for him to hold me like he used to .  To tell me that I am his moon and stars.  What I get is "I don't know".  

So "I don't know" if I want to go on.  I don't know how I can survive the loneliness of it all.  My kids are fine.  They have my stubborn side.  Patrick is going to make a great life for himself.  And so is Jason.  Gary is on his way.  So the man of my dreams is leaving me.  To find himself.  And all I've got to say is: "I don't know".

Love

Two people in the same room, both of them suppose to be in love with each other, but the silence between them isn't an easy silence of comfortable support of each other. It's one of those silence moments that you feel so alone in the world. The other person doesn't fit you anymore, you want them to but it just doesn't fit. You wonder how that happened, where it went in that direction. Has it been like that for many many years and you just noticed it? Are you wondering how you can make it better and not coming up with a solution? Have you tried and tried to make it better, begged and pleaded. That your confidence has just left you, and you are at a lost of any actions or words. Is this what life with someone you wanted and saw for yourself going to end, in silence, in loneliness, and insecurities. How did it happen? Why did it happen? Questions, all about questions, but no answers. Do others go through the same thing? Is this why older couples get divorced? Is there a life after being in love with a person and still in love with that person? So many questions and not enough answers. It can't be a part of life, why weren't we told? 


We see others being together for 50 to 60 years and wonder how do they do it. Do they run out of conversation? How do they do it everyday? Do they take separate vacations and sleep together like their roommates rather then two people in love? Does one person crave the attention they had when they were courting, and the other just is comfortable and doesn't need it anymore? Are we going to settle for the silence or do we get out now and start anew? Am I brave enough to take the first step or is he waiting for me to make that first step? That way he can put the blame on me that I ended it and he had tried. I have to make a decision, its the year to do that isn't it after waiting and waiting for it to be better? Wake up to the reality of it. Make that decision and make the moves to fix it. Decide and stick to it. Because if you make the decision to stay, you have no one but yourself to blame if it becomes the deafening silence you know it is and will be.

Krystina L. Tessinari

Dearest Krystina, 



Hello there sweet child. Valentines Day was yesterday and I got my card from your grandfather and he got my card from me. It's funny how its no longer the "profess your love kind of thing" but the "funny" card. We have been together for many years. I don't want to say "to many" because I had hopes that it would be many years to come for us. But sometimes my dear sweet child I wonder. I love your grandfather very very much, and god only knows he loves me too. To be with me and my ass for all the ups and downs you would have to be "in love". I just don't think we will make it the many years I see us in my dreams. Its one of those strange things in life that you always think about a person but wonder if they are thinking of you. I think about that with you, because I know you are always in my thoughts but I am or couldn't be in yours. Memories fade and I don't even know if you still have the picture book I gave you to remember the faces of your life. So things do change and people do come out of love or get to comfortable in love that it's part of a convenience as much as it is anything else in life. 


I don't want to ever feel comfortable that you are out there and not continue to write you letters as long as I am alive. I see that your cousins lost some family members and its a cruel thing in life to lose family. You never know what is around the corner do you? I pray that we don't lose each other to death or anything. Because it would make me sad that I left this life without getting to see you again. Life comes and goes and I am trying to hang on for you. I want to meet you one day and see the young lady you are to become. If it is fate that doesn't allow that then it is fate. But I leave behind the many letters I write to you. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I know this moment brings love from my heart all the way to you and yours. I don't know where life will lead me in the future Krystina, but one day life will bring us together I have to believe in that. Because if I don't then there isn't really much I can look forward to. Your grandfather and I love you and will always remember you with such love and fondness. Even if we aren't together we shared you in our hearts. I love you Krystina and I want you to only know that. 


Love you always and forever

Your Grandmother

Life

Life is one of those things that you have to take pride in. You have to trust that you did your best and the people you did your best for, will remember you fondly when they think of you. It can be over in a instance and you could be gone tomorrow. By a act of god, an accident, or by anothers hands. Tell everyone in your life that you love them, it doesn't have to be everyday. It would be a great thing to say it everyday but lets be realistic, if you do it everyday it goes into one ear and out another. But in one of those rare and quiet moments just pop up and say, "I love you". Look at that person and say it, it only takes a moment. Families have been torn apart by acts of random violence. In an instance your world could be turned upside down and you no longer have that family or friend to say, "I love you". Your children or your future generation won't know this person exist because they are no longer here. You have to keep the memories alive. Don't get all tied up that you didn't say "I love you" everyday of their lives. Just know that if you answered the phone for them everytime they called, when they needed something you were there for them, or if you allowed them to see you smile when they told a joke they know you loved them. They may not be here but they knew they were loved. Its a hopeless feeling to know that people can be here one minute and gone the next. But we as the human race are not putting our lives on hold just because we could be gone the minute we step out the door. We are living our lives, enjoying out blessings. So don't wallow in losing someone, they want to know they live in your memories, and that you are living your life to the fullest. They can't deny you the mourning ritual, but they aren't wishing you death upon theirs. Hold on to the fact that they lived their lives and now you must live your own life to. Its not a honor to the person missing that you lock yourself up and keep the world out. You can take steps to better yourself if you want, you can be kinder to a stranger, or you can just look up and say "I love you", as a honor to those that have passed out of your life. But live and live for them, they lost their lives so much earlier then should be. Remember them with fondness and a smile. Be that person, and live.