Dearest Krystina and Titan Rey
The most beautiful Christmas is having family be there to open presents under the Christmas tree. To watch the delight come over the young when they get something they wanted. Santa and his reindeer's flying all over to world to all the boys and girls that have been good.
The big dinner around the table that only can fit in the living room. The smells coming from the kitchen from an all nighter. And watching the food being enjoyed by all. So my grandchildren are in different states with their own family, and I can close my eyes and see it all play out in my head. Never will one moment be missed as long as I have my imagination. I love you both, and think of you often. I get the pics from Titan but I miss the pics of Krystina. But that's okay I can still close my eyes and see the both of you. HAVE THE MOST PRECIOUS AND WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS MY TWO VERY VERY SPECIAL GRANDCHILDREN. May all your wishes come true. May you both feel the love a grandmother and grandfather.
Love you always and forever,
Grandma and Grandpa
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Krystina Lucille Tessinari
Dearest Krystina
Today is December 12th and I am writing you and your family and wishing them a Merry Christmas. I have so much to say right now, I know your father is in South Dakota wishing he could see you, but atlas circumstances aren't allowing that to happen. Heard it was your wish and who am I to say it isn't. It's to bad that you couldn't even call him to tell him that yourself. Even hearing your voice would have been a great treat for your father. I plan on making a trip one day with him, and your grandfather. Going to make it a big old family affair. You know I knew your mom as a wonderful person who I loved so very dearly and never stopped loving. I always considered her a part of the family and still do. God is the only one that can bring this whole mess to an end and one day we can only keep praying it does come to an end.
People can disappoint you, it's a part of life. No one can hide from disappointment in life. But it's how you handle it that makes you the better person or not. I disappointed your mom when I backed away from the situation and gave you up, it was just so exhausting and your dad wanted his mom on his side. I knew she wouldn't ever come back to Florida, even though she told me in our farewell conversation she would. I told her, "no you won't but I believe you will find happiness in South Dakota and you deserve it" as your dad needed to find his happiness and he did with Arielle. It's just you are a big part of that happiness that is missing. A HUGE PART...and it took many years for your father to grow up and at this time and moment I have never been more proud of him. He wasn't welcomed in the motel your mom works at and he walked away without converting back to his bad ways and throwing a temper tantrum. The momma bear almost reared it ugly head with me and I was this close to flying out there. But your daddy is a grown man trying to fix his mistakes and one day you never know he may have that chance. He found another room in town and found a quiet spot and wrote what he wanted away from the hustle and bustle of his life. And he stood up as a man and let it flow.
I have to tell you a secret, he isn't the best writer but the letter I just read was from his heart of hearts to you. Your dad wanted and asked me to post this letter to my blog, wanting the world to know that a daddy was out here waiting for the day he can meet you. What a letter I can't even keep the tears from coming. WOW!!!! Your mom and Gary were so young and so into each other when they were young. I now know I was kinda fooled by the whole situation from your grandma Marie but that is in the past. You may find a love like that one day where it is all consuming and not the best. Your father, my son, wasn't ready for it and neither was your mom. Your father is trying to make amends, and that is a long time coming, but it will and may take a lifetime to do just that. But aren't we all always trying to make amends in the wrong we do people. If you can't find it in your heart to make a relationship with your father then one day I hope you tell him that face to face, because being told that on a third party line isn't the way to tell someone to "go to hell".
I will never stop writing you letters in this blog. A grandmother can do what can be done to reach out and say "I LOVE YOU". I have strangers all over the world reading this and sending their support and messages thru Facebook and such. It's quite revealing how many people have gotten in touch with me. I have a granddaughter on Lonnie's side named Patton Dallas Gallaway and I have Titan Rey Tessinari. But I also have Krystina Lucille Tessinari out there in the world. I am planning a trip for Patton to come and visit Disney next year and when Titan is old enough I plan on taking him to Disney. I have a whole house to myself with Grandpa now as all my kids, your father an his brothers have all found their own way now, and it's quite a change.
I sent money to Patton for Christmas and Titan money for Uncle Patrick to do the shopping for me. And my vacations are now centered around visiting Titan. I never ever thought I would have room in my heart for other grandchildren as one was missing but I do, it took me a minute but I have love enough to go around. Of course I am not going to be the center of it all no more because Arielle has her parents there in the same town as I am in Florida, and Patton is in Oklahoma. But heck who can win them all right. In this world I was not meant to be a grandmother full time to any of the grand kids, just the lot I have to live with. My grandmother Lucille Tessinari was a wonderful grandmother that I will always treasure in life. And I always wanted to be her as a grandmother. I could have and would have been good at it I think or know for when you were her in Florida.
I kinda got into my family tree some and it's some interesting facts that I will have to start sharing with you. See you may be raised by your mom but your curiosity is going to get the better of you one day. I had to find my biological father in my life and it took me ten years to do that, and I earned a sister Ruby Jenkins from that. No matter what stories you hear, from either my blog or letters to you, or what your mom may tell you or what you may think you know, the curiosity will always be there. And you have your dads blood in you, which will make you part him always. So I am going to have to fill your letters with some background on this part of the family. So you will have the names and dates of people from this side of the family.
For your fathers biological dad do you know he never knew him. Leonard Nathaniel Carter didn't want nothing to do with your father. The man came face to face with your dad one time because your dad wanted to see him and that was it. In a parking lot of a Denny's. The man wouldn't even get out of the car to stand next to his son. He tried denying him till I got a blood test. Gary looks like his biological dad, as you look like your daddy. I am trying to find your fathers half brother for him. It's been years and years I have been on a search for him. I had contacted his grandmother once in all these years and all she said was, "I know about Gary but I don't want nothing to do with him". So your father knows the hurt that comes with not knowing family at all. I am sure it bothers him sometimes but what can be done. You can only try and try and eventually you make peace with it. I think your dad couldn't try in the past because he needed to make peace with himself and what had happened in the relationship with your mom. But self forgiveness can give you the courage to do anything. And he now has to look your mom and even Chad in the eyes and say "I am sorry". But he wants to say it to you more then anyone else. Leonard Nathanial Carter may never ask your father for his forgiveness but that makes him a lesser person, not your father. For a person who is truly sorry can ask for forgivness standing tall and hope that it will be taken in the manner that it was asked.
Christmas is coming up and I don't do much of a celebration. I don't put up a tree or do the whole decorations around the house. Heck we are going to have shepherds pie for Christmas here, no big dinner like I have had in the past when your mom or you were at the table, with your father and his brothers. But a simple meal and a simple time. Family is spread out in different states. Your Uncle Jason is in Arizona for his job and Patrick is with your dad in North Carolina. Lonnie's family is in Oklahoma and it's just going to be quiet and your grandfather and I will probably be working. But we are still blessed, everyone has their health and their families to celebrate with. It's many years since I have had a full blown Christmas. So as this letter winds down some now and I get to the end of all my nonsense I write to you, I WANT TO WISH YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY A MERRY CHRISTMAS. Your father told me its a beautiful country there and that is where you were probably always meant to be with your mom, but one day he will meet you again and hold you tight and all his dreams will come true also. Wish upon a star Krystina that is what we all do these days is wish upon a star for you and sending lots of love and fairy dust your way.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Love your grandmother and grandfather
Today is December 12th and I am writing you and your family and wishing them a Merry Christmas. I have so much to say right now, I know your father is in South Dakota wishing he could see you, but atlas circumstances aren't allowing that to happen. Heard it was your wish and who am I to say it isn't. It's to bad that you couldn't even call him to tell him that yourself. Even hearing your voice would have been a great treat for your father. I plan on making a trip one day with him, and your grandfather. Going to make it a big old family affair. You know I knew your mom as a wonderful person who I loved so very dearly and never stopped loving. I always considered her a part of the family and still do. God is the only one that can bring this whole mess to an end and one day we can only keep praying it does come to an end.
People can disappoint you, it's a part of life. No one can hide from disappointment in life. But it's how you handle it that makes you the better person or not. I disappointed your mom when I backed away from the situation and gave you up, it was just so exhausting and your dad wanted his mom on his side. I knew she wouldn't ever come back to Florida, even though she told me in our farewell conversation she would. I told her, "no you won't but I believe you will find happiness in South Dakota and you deserve it" as your dad needed to find his happiness and he did with Arielle. It's just you are a big part of that happiness that is missing. A HUGE PART...and it took many years for your father to grow up and at this time and moment I have never been more proud of him. He wasn't welcomed in the motel your mom works at and he walked away without converting back to his bad ways and throwing a temper tantrum. The momma bear almost reared it ugly head with me and I was this close to flying out there. But your daddy is a grown man trying to fix his mistakes and one day you never know he may have that chance. He found another room in town and found a quiet spot and wrote what he wanted away from the hustle and bustle of his life. And he stood up as a man and let it flow.
I have to tell you a secret, he isn't the best writer but the letter I just read was from his heart of hearts to you. Your dad wanted and asked me to post this letter to my blog, wanting the world to know that a daddy was out here waiting for the day he can meet you. What a letter I can't even keep the tears from coming. WOW!!!! Your mom and Gary were so young and so into each other when they were young. I now know I was kinda fooled by the whole situation from your grandma Marie but that is in the past. You may find a love like that one day where it is all consuming and not the best. Your father, my son, wasn't ready for it and neither was your mom. Your father is trying to make amends, and that is a long time coming, but it will and may take a lifetime to do just that. But aren't we all always trying to make amends in the wrong we do people. If you can't find it in your heart to make a relationship with your father then one day I hope you tell him that face to face, because being told that on a third party line isn't the way to tell someone to "go to hell".
I will never stop writing you letters in this blog. A grandmother can do what can be done to reach out and say "I LOVE YOU". I have strangers all over the world reading this and sending their support and messages thru Facebook and such. It's quite revealing how many people have gotten in touch with me. I have a granddaughter on Lonnie's side named Patton Dallas Gallaway and I have Titan Rey Tessinari. But I also have Krystina Lucille Tessinari out there in the world. I am planning a trip for Patton to come and visit Disney next year and when Titan is old enough I plan on taking him to Disney. I have a whole house to myself with Grandpa now as all my kids, your father an his brothers have all found their own way now, and it's quite a change.
I sent money to Patton for Christmas and Titan money for Uncle Patrick to do the shopping for me. And my vacations are now centered around visiting Titan. I never ever thought I would have room in my heart for other grandchildren as one was missing but I do, it took me a minute but I have love enough to go around. Of course I am not going to be the center of it all no more because Arielle has her parents there in the same town as I am in Florida, and Patton is in Oklahoma. But heck who can win them all right. In this world I was not meant to be a grandmother full time to any of the grand kids, just the lot I have to live with. My grandmother Lucille Tessinari was a wonderful grandmother that I will always treasure in life. And I always wanted to be her as a grandmother. I could have and would have been good at it I think or know for when you were her in Florida.
I kinda got into my family tree some and it's some interesting facts that I will have to start sharing with you. See you may be raised by your mom but your curiosity is going to get the better of you one day. I had to find my biological father in my life and it took me ten years to do that, and I earned a sister Ruby Jenkins from that. No matter what stories you hear, from either my blog or letters to you, or what your mom may tell you or what you may think you know, the curiosity will always be there. And you have your dads blood in you, which will make you part him always. So I am going to have to fill your letters with some background on this part of the family. So you will have the names and dates of people from this side of the family.
For your fathers biological dad do you know he never knew him. Leonard Nathaniel Carter didn't want nothing to do with your father. The man came face to face with your dad one time because your dad wanted to see him and that was it. In a parking lot of a Denny's. The man wouldn't even get out of the car to stand next to his son. He tried denying him till I got a blood test. Gary looks like his biological dad, as you look like your daddy. I am trying to find your fathers half brother for him. It's been years and years I have been on a search for him. I had contacted his grandmother once in all these years and all she said was, "I know about Gary but I don't want nothing to do with him". So your father knows the hurt that comes with not knowing family at all. I am sure it bothers him sometimes but what can be done. You can only try and try and eventually you make peace with it. I think your dad couldn't try in the past because he needed to make peace with himself and what had happened in the relationship with your mom. But self forgiveness can give you the courage to do anything. And he now has to look your mom and even Chad in the eyes and say "I am sorry". But he wants to say it to you more then anyone else. Leonard Nathanial Carter may never ask your father for his forgiveness but that makes him a lesser person, not your father. For a person who is truly sorry can ask for forgivness standing tall and hope that it will be taken in the manner that it was asked.
Christmas is coming up and I don't do much of a celebration. I don't put up a tree or do the whole decorations around the house. Heck we are going to have shepherds pie for Christmas here, no big dinner like I have had in the past when your mom or you were at the table, with your father and his brothers. But a simple meal and a simple time. Family is spread out in different states. Your Uncle Jason is in Arizona for his job and Patrick is with your dad in North Carolina. Lonnie's family is in Oklahoma and it's just going to be quiet and your grandfather and I will probably be working. But we are still blessed, everyone has their health and their families to celebrate with. It's many years since I have had a full blown Christmas. So as this letter winds down some now and I get to the end of all my nonsense I write to you, I WANT TO WISH YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY A MERRY CHRISTMAS. Your father told me its a beautiful country there and that is where you were probably always meant to be with your mom, but one day he will meet you again and hold you tight and all his dreams will come true also. Wish upon a star Krystina that is what we all do these days is wish upon a star for you and sending lots of love and fairy dust your way.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Love your grandmother and grandfather
To My Daughter Krystina Lucille Tessinari - December 12, 2014
Dear Krystina,
I love you, and miss you so much. Words can't express the love I have for you. Im sitting here up on a hill behind the hotel and wow. I can see why your mother wanted you here. Your backyard is absolutely beautiful, and I cant wait to hike it with you. Go as high and far as we can, and look out .mas if it's all ours for the taking. Ive seen pictures of you, and I have to say your a pretty amazing little girl. Climbing mountains, riding horses, dancing at festivals, leads me to wonder what you cant do. And every day I grow more and more envious of South Dakota. I'm sorry if I offended you by coming, but you have to understand that I have to. Just to be in the same city as you for even just a day makes me the happiest man in the world. And ill keep coming back, and hopefully when your ready we can take that walk. And ill tell you stories of monsters and how your mother and I fought to keep them away. And tales of an old mother hen waiting on the day she can see you coming up that brick path to her door. And her husband an old goat thats greying now, but still can conjure up a country joke youll never understand but laugh anyways. And we can get lost in the hills, talking about a time long forgotten. A time when you lived in a city that replaced the mountains with tall buildings and roller coasters. A time when kids had the best times of there lives just swimming and throwing each other into a neighborhood pool. And when your mom says no more soda, I tell how many vanilla cokes she had in one summer. I'll tell you about your brother Titan, a little giant now but soon to be up there with you. My princess and my prince. We can walk and jump and laugh at little girls who wore princess costumes everywhere she went. And I can get to know the one they used to call phat phat. I don't know if your mom's told you but your dads a chef. So after our hike we can come back and I'll cook you something you've never had. There's a saying in Italy that with all this beauty in the world, and all this sweet, you must have some bitter. So we can relax on the porch, you a hot chocolate me a coffee and you can ask me all those hard questions. Questions like why did I hurt your mother. And I'll say that I was young and couldn't look past my childish ways to see the future. Questions like did you ever love my mom, and I'll say yes, but I love more that she's happy here. Questions like did I ever miss you, and I'll say yes every day. Questions like do I still love you, and I'll say I never stopped. But this letter is the first of many as well as this visit. I cant wait to see the woman you become and hope to have a front row seat. I love you and will never stop. Ill travel the world with you on my mind and in my heart.
Love your father.
I love you, and miss you so much. Words can't express the love I have for you. Im sitting here up on a hill behind the hotel and wow. I can see why your mother wanted you here. Your backyard is absolutely beautiful, and I cant wait to hike it with you. Go as high and far as we can, and look out .mas if it's all ours for the taking. Ive seen pictures of you, and I have to say your a pretty amazing little girl. Climbing mountains, riding horses, dancing at festivals, leads me to wonder what you cant do. And every day I grow more and more envious of South Dakota. I'm sorry if I offended you by coming, but you have to understand that I have to. Just to be in the same city as you for even just a day makes me the happiest man in the world. And ill keep coming back, and hopefully when your ready we can take that walk. And ill tell you stories of monsters and how your mother and I fought to keep them away. And tales of an old mother hen waiting on the day she can see you coming up that brick path to her door. And her husband an old goat thats greying now, but still can conjure up a country joke youll never understand but laugh anyways. And we can get lost in the hills, talking about a time long forgotten. A time when you lived in a city that replaced the mountains with tall buildings and roller coasters. A time when kids had the best times of there lives just swimming and throwing each other into a neighborhood pool. And when your mom says no more soda, I tell how many vanilla cokes she had in one summer. I'll tell you about your brother Titan, a little giant now but soon to be up there with you. My princess and my prince. We can walk and jump and laugh at little girls who wore princess costumes everywhere she went. And I can get to know the one they used to call phat phat. I don't know if your mom's told you but your dads a chef. So after our hike we can come back and I'll cook you something you've never had. There's a saying in Italy that with all this beauty in the world, and all this sweet, you must have some bitter. So we can relax on the porch, you a hot chocolate me a coffee and you can ask me all those hard questions. Questions like why did I hurt your mother. And I'll say that I was young and couldn't look past my childish ways to see the future. Questions like did you ever love my mom, and I'll say yes, but I love more that she's happy here. Questions like did I ever miss you, and I'll say yes every day. Questions like do I still love you, and I'll say I never stopped. But this letter is the first of many as well as this visit. I cant wait to see the woman you become and hope to have a front row seat. I love you and will never stop. Ill travel the world with you on my mind and in my heart.
Love your father.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Krystina Lucille Tessinari
Dearest Krystina
Well I haven't wrote to you since my father died, which would be your great grandfather. It was a sad day to hear the news and when I sat for over 24 hours trying to handle the feelings I was having on the news I though about why I never wrote about him to you. I never did because he wasn't there in my life to write about. I knew what I remembered when I was young and I knew what I wanted our relationship to be, but it just wasn't there. Now since its been a couple of weeks I wonder about you and your father. How would you feel if something happened to him and you didn't know him? How would any questions you may have had for him not be answered to your satisfaction. You will hear a lot of stories about him from others and you will read this blog and the things I have said. But there is only one person that can answer your questions and that would be your father. I find that at 46 years old the questions were there in my mind but I didn't have the father to answer them for me in life and now certainly not in death. So it will always be a guessing game for me from this point on. I wrote a eulogy for my father and posted it in this blog and its the most honest true feelings I have on the man. It's a shame that a man that had three living children had a funeral or whatever and not one of us kids wanted to go to it. It's a shame that my children or my great grandchildren didn't know this man, not on any of our faults and not wanting to, but on his faults for not wanting to will this fall.
I love you Krystina and I feel I write these little letters to tell you that. But if tomorrow or the next day I leave this earth there is always a record that I loved you, wanted you, and made a terrible mistake on my behalf to not being able to be in your life to tell you that everyday of your life. I made the mistake but others have not forgiven me enough to allow me the second chance to be your grandmother neither. And that's the truth on my behalf, in my mind and in what and how this whole thing is handled by the adults in your life. I will not stop these letters to you like they want me to and have sent word for me to stop. They are the only thing that keeps me in touch with you. I thought about it. I thought let me stop and see what happens. I have stopped for a few months at a time, but then I get this incredible urge that says, "hell no don't stop" because that granddaughter of yours will think you forgot about her. So I keep on and will keep on writing you these silly and heartfelt notes until they as the adults in your life says, "okay enough is enough, get to know your granddaughter". Pathetic of me right to want to get to know you. Guess the last laugh is on me, it is pathetic but the only thing I have left.
Krystina know that if I die and you don't get to know me, I am a crazy woman who loved you so very much. And I am sorry that we didn't get to know each other. There is going to be plenty of people looking for you if something happens to me. They will wait until you are in your 20's (I changed that from 18) and they will find you because I have armed them with enough information on you to find you till the ends of this earth. And they will present you with my words from this blog and other means. You will know there is a old woman out here that never gave up hope of meeting you one day. I loved your mommy for so long and I loved you for so long. But love isn't enough when it comes to this mess. My father didn't want to be a part of my life, yet I will never allow you to believe I didn't want to be a part of your life. Because I did and still want it more then life itself.
I write you telling you how much you are loved little one, and I wonder if I express that enough in my letters to you. You were the angel I got to name, you were the angel sent from the heavens that allowed me to slow down and be a grandmother to you. Until the day it just wasn't there anymore. So live and be you and I will be me and one day before I die and leave this earth I hope we meet again. Stay sweet and stay strong.
Love always
Grandma
Well I haven't wrote to you since my father died, which would be your great grandfather. It was a sad day to hear the news and when I sat for over 24 hours trying to handle the feelings I was having on the news I though about why I never wrote about him to you. I never did because he wasn't there in my life to write about. I knew what I remembered when I was young and I knew what I wanted our relationship to be, but it just wasn't there. Now since its been a couple of weeks I wonder about you and your father. How would you feel if something happened to him and you didn't know him? How would any questions you may have had for him not be answered to your satisfaction. You will hear a lot of stories about him from others and you will read this blog and the things I have said. But there is only one person that can answer your questions and that would be your father. I find that at 46 years old the questions were there in my mind but I didn't have the father to answer them for me in life and now certainly not in death. So it will always be a guessing game for me from this point on. I wrote a eulogy for my father and posted it in this blog and its the most honest true feelings I have on the man. It's a shame that a man that had three living children had a funeral or whatever and not one of us kids wanted to go to it. It's a shame that my children or my great grandchildren didn't know this man, not on any of our faults and not wanting to, but on his faults for not wanting to will this fall.
I love you Krystina and I feel I write these little letters to tell you that. But if tomorrow or the next day I leave this earth there is always a record that I loved you, wanted you, and made a terrible mistake on my behalf to not being able to be in your life to tell you that everyday of your life. I made the mistake but others have not forgiven me enough to allow me the second chance to be your grandmother neither. And that's the truth on my behalf, in my mind and in what and how this whole thing is handled by the adults in your life. I will not stop these letters to you like they want me to and have sent word for me to stop. They are the only thing that keeps me in touch with you. I thought about it. I thought let me stop and see what happens. I have stopped for a few months at a time, but then I get this incredible urge that says, "hell no don't stop" because that granddaughter of yours will think you forgot about her. So I keep on and will keep on writing you these silly and heartfelt notes until they as the adults in your life says, "okay enough is enough, get to know your granddaughter". Pathetic of me right to want to get to know you. Guess the last laugh is on me, it is pathetic but the only thing I have left.
Krystina know that if I die and you don't get to know me, I am a crazy woman who loved you so very much. And I am sorry that we didn't get to know each other. There is going to be plenty of people looking for you if something happens to me. They will wait until you are in your 20's (I changed that from 18) and they will find you because I have armed them with enough information on you to find you till the ends of this earth. And they will present you with my words from this blog and other means. You will know there is a old woman out here that never gave up hope of meeting you one day. I loved your mommy for so long and I loved you for so long. But love isn't enough when it comes to this mess. My father didn't want to be a part of my life, yet I will never allow you to believe I didn't want to be a part of your life. Because I did and still want it more then life itself.
I write you telling you how much you are loved little one, and I wonder if I express that enough in my letters to you. You were the angel I got to name, you were the angel sent from the heavens that allowed me to slow down and be a grandmother to you. Until the day it just wasn't there anymore. So live and be you and I will be me and one day before I die and leave this earth I hope we meet again. Stay sweet and stay strong.
Love always
Grandma
Friday, August 29, 2014
Joseph William Tessinari
My father died today (August 29, 2014). And this is all I am going to say until I can get my thoughts together and in order.
Well got some news today......Joseph William Tessinari died .......he was my father and a man that I have to say in the many years since the divorce from my mom didn't have contact with his children. He died in NM and will be cremated there after a short Buddhist ceremony. I have my memories of him and fond ones, since I did live with him for a couple of years during my high school years in Monrovia, California. I will miss that we weren't close but he was my father. So dad wherever you are know that you had a daughter that will keep those memories in her head. AND I LOVE YOU KNOW MATTER WHAT.
@everyone thank you for your kind words and sympathy.....i am still numb walking around thinking about things and how they could have, should have, or was and I am sad for a dad that wasn't there but he was my dad and I hope he is at peace now and looking down upon his children and seeing what we have become and what he missed....if there is a movie projector in heaven playing his children's lives may he be sitting there with popcorn and watching and smiling upon us. It's a sad thing in life to die and your children just go about their day because it's just another day to them....they may have the feelings that come pouring out, but we have the look like "why" still for a dad that should have always been there.....I was the only child who ever got that yearly Christmas card and when I don't get one this year I will probably hurt knowing that at least that was once a year my name came up.....LOVE YOU DAD ALWAYS HAVE. So many things left unsaid and unfinished....DON'T ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN TO ANY OF YOU.....love and be loved back...
***this post still isn't completed to me. I am getting so many messages from all that read this but I still have thoughts I need to put down as you all know me very well. It's just right now the thoughts and the feelings are overwhelming me and I need to just allow my feelings to get in the order that needs to be said.
Wrote this on August 30, 2014
Well got some news today......Joseph William Tessinari died .......he was my father and a man that I have to say in the many years since the divorce from my mom didn't have contact with his children. He died in NM and will be cremated there after a short Buddhist ceremony. I have my memories of him and fond ones, since I did live with him for a couple of years during my high school years in Monrovia, California. I will miss that we weren't close but he was my father. So dad wherever you are know that you had a daughter that will keep those memories in her head. AND I LOVE YOU KNOW MATTER WHAT.
@everyone thank you for your kind words and sympathy.....i am still numb walking around thinking about things and how they could have, should have, or was and I am sad for a dad that wasn't there but he was my dad and I hope he is at peace now and looking down upon his children and seeing what we have become and what he missed....if there is a movie projector in heaven playing his children's lives may he be sitting there with popcorn and watching and smiling upon us. It's a sad thing in life to die and your children just go about their day because it's just another day to them....they may have the feelings that come pouring out, but we have the look like "why" still for a dad that should have always been there.....I was the only child who ever got that yearly Christmas card and when I don't get one this year I will probably hurt knowing that at least that was once a year my name came up.....LOVE YOU DAD ALWAYS HAVE. So many things left unsaid and unfinished....DON'T ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN TO ANY OF YOU.....love and be loved back...
***this post still isn't completed to me. I am getting so many messages from all that read this but I still have thoughts I need to put down as you all know me very well. It's just right now the thoughts and the feelings are overwhelming me and I need to just allow my feelings to get in the order that needs to be said.
Wrote this on August 30, 2014
My eulogy to
Joseph William Tessinari. A man that was
a mystery to his children. Someone who was
there and then gone. I had memories,
lots of them, good and bad. The only
father that I have known. The only
father that I have an image of. Who
cares if your DNA didn’t run through me?
You were the one to take me out of Vietnam. You were the one I called “Daddy”. You were the one that had a daughter out here
that wanted the title “Daddy’s Little Girl”.
I have to allow myself to say that you did love us. Or you did love me because I got the
Christmas card every year. Or you only remembered
me and my name because you got one from me every year. A girl always needs her daddy. No matter how old they get, I always needed
my daddy. And now you aren’t on this
earth anymore.
Tears haven’t
flowed yet. They begin to and then as
fast as they try to, the tears dry up just as fast. All those questions not answered. All the “I love you” not said. How does that happen? Why does that happen to children and their
daddy? My own “daddy” couldn’t be a
daddy. Did you ever think about us while
you had a quiet moment? Did you remember
one child was named after your own father and the other child was named after
you? Did you remember your flesh and
blood daughter passed? Did you remember
the one daughter still here, the pictures I sent, or the letters pouring out my
heart practically begging you to say something fatherly to me?
Did you want
to take a wife and a girl out of Vietnam?
Or was it true that you were reprimanded by your own parents because
everyone thought I was flesh and blood.
But even if I wasn’t the other three were. I LOVED YOU DADDY. I wanted to know you, I wanted you in my
life. Divorce didn’t have to be the
end. Your new family should have been an
extension not an ending. Did you know
the names of your grandchildren or the great children?
I remember
the worst. I do, but I also remember the
best. I remember that old boat that
grandpa and yourself worked on. I remember
how you looked. I remember the daddy
bigger than life. I remember the
motorcycle you came into town to visit us kids at one point. I remember you allowing a young teenage girl to
find some footing when I was having a time in Florida. I remember being in California when you were
dating Kathy. I remember you catching me
taking your car for a joy ride. I
remember you sticking up for me when I got a jay walking ticket. I remember you almost caught me with a boy in
the house, or you knew but ignored it and gave me time to get him out. I remember the beatings too. I remember you never stopping mom from
beating me. I remember the soap in my
mouth because I was teaching Joe a bad word.
I remember running away and you coming to get me from the police
station. I remember the big piece of
wood that I got a beating from you with.
I don’t remember the hugs or the
happiness though. I remember looking at
you and wondering why I didn’t get many hugs or kisses. I remember me having to watch you from the
stairs in the townhouse in NJ wanting you to say, “How is my little girl?” Why is it that some memories are vivid and
not all of them are vivid? I want it all
the good and the bad to be clearer than they are. I want to have a daddy still here to knock on
my door and say, “I am sorry”.
I feel so
lonely right now writing this. I feel
empty and yet I find the tears are running right now freely and honestly of sadness. I know this is a process that a daughter has
to go through after hearing her daddy is gone and the questions will never be
answered in her mind or heart. I know
writing this and putting it out there is the rawest and the most honest
feelings I am having about this at this moment.
But is there more? Is there more
that is going to come to my mind and heart.
I have a
daddy now that is at peace. But you
leave a daughter that may never be at peace.
It was always there the questions but I didn’t have the daddy to answer
them for me. You are the daddy I knew,
you are the daddy that I loved. You are
the only daddy I had. And you are
gone. Just like that a phone call comes
and says, “Your daddy passed”. I knew it
would come, I knew that the tears would come.
But I didn’t want it to, no little girl wants it to. At the age of 46 I didn’t want it to. I LOVE YOU DADDY. I love you more then you will ever know. No matter if it’s the bad memories or the
good ones I LOVED YOU DADDY.
May god forgive
you as I am forgiving you at this moment.
I forgive you as a daughter should always forgive a parent. May all little girls not have to go through
this and I know in my heart I am not alone, it just feels like it. But as far as I am concerned you are the
daddy I was meant to have and love and may you know that in death as you should
have known that in life.
Love your daughter,
MyLinh Tessinari McDonald
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Reality
You know I wrote the other day about a young lady trying to get forgiveness from the clemency board for her crimes and it's a difficult process, not as easy as saying, "I am sorry". And it shouldn't be if you have done something that landed you in prison. I have to say that I called out everyone that ever did anything wrong and think they are perfect because WE aren't. Some have actually contacted me and said, "I am sorry" or "this is how I saw it". And then it's over and done and I don't blog about them again. How many jobs did we steal from and not just little amounts, we went all out for broke, and then when others were being blamed did we stand up to take the blame. We did things out of the name of love or greed and didn't look back. Do I really need to list what we each did and how much and when and with what job? Was that forgivable? Only because the true people we have affected have no idea what was done to them. And we didn't land in prison. We could have and probably should have. So all that is unforgivable or forgivable, we probably don't even think about the lives we affected with our actions. But its been many years of doing things and saying things to each other, in our actions in many areas in our lives, not giving forgiveness and it's a waste. A TOTAL WASTE. And we still affect lives to this day in many ways, because of this.
My granddaughter left at an early age that she isn't going to remember the people in her lives or what went on around her, so she is going to have to depend on what people tell her. My grandson isn't going to know me like he knows his immediate family and hell may never get to come for the summer to stay with me or grandpa. Is this all forgivable in my book? Yes, it is very forgivable, because life goes on. Lonnie and I have another granddaughter on Lonnie's side of the family and she doesn't understand why grandpa can't just pop over for a visit whenever she wants to see him. So that is three young people that have to say to themselves, we are going to have to get to know each other in order to have a relationship. And then they may not like each other and such and have different upbringings and such and may have to be the generation that says, "I forgive you crazy old people". Life is nothing but drama and forgiveness and such. It's about the good and the bad and what we do with that. We live through the bad to get to the good. And we live through the good to have the fantastic.
I lived through a mother that hated me with jealousy to come out of it this last few months and got the truth and said "FINALLY" and then forgave. There are people that had no parents but then found the parents that were good to them and life was full from that moment on. We had parents that loved us totally but we thought we were in love and such, left our parents, but tortured each other in many ways, not all one sided, but yet we wouldn't know what to do without that parent. We fell in love that was toxic on both sides and one side blames the other and the other side blames the other. But neither wants to take the first step to say, "I am sorry for my part in all this". Or the other can't accept the apology. We have had parents that thought their drugs and such was more important then the human beings we brought into life, and when they end up in prison we wonder why. We turn a blind eye to the needs of other humans and just say it's not my fault. It's a nasty nasty cycle that goes round and round. But what is the most surprising thing is that another person who you never got to know can outshine you and be that better person and such. How did that happen?
Life is a constant cycle of the worst, the bad, the good, the fantastic, and the most peaceful, and the most sincere. I don't know if I deserve to be a grandmother in life. I knew giving birth to three boys that the mothers would have the power of the grandchildren. Think about it that is life. Mother's of your grandchildren can hold the grand-kids as a tool of hurtfulness. You don't agree with them or you have an opinion or you make a choice, they can hold that against you FOREVER. It's not a mean thing it's just part of the cycle. And you have to do what you can to ask and beg for forgiveness. Grandparents have the short end of the stick. It's not like the old days that the family get together on Sunday's and have a family dinner. We are spread out and the relationships are already non existent because of the miles between everyone but add on the unthinkable crime you may have committed or did commit and it gets darn impossible. So even if Krystina, Titan Rey, or Payton grow up and come around to know you better they are by then starting their own lives and you are only a grandparent in Florida. It's one of those tricky little things in life not to piss off the mommies of your grandchildren so that you get a phone call or a picture only you will have. Or that dad isn't forgotten in the matter and then the daddy gets upset that you are getting something he isn't. Vicious cycle that is never ending. It's a minefield and good luck to all the grandparents in the world because you are sincerely going to need it.
I guess I have to be honest with the reality of life and say. I write letters to my grandchildren for them to get to know something about me, because to tell you the truth at 18 they aren't going to give a damn about who the old people are. It's to late and that makes me the saddest. They aren't going to care if you put their birthday money or the little Christmas money in an account for them, it's not going to matter about anything because they don't have that image in their heads of the fun times or anything like that. I can visit with Titan Rey every year and be forgotten one week after I leave his home to come to mine. Yes, yes he will get to know what I put into it. Okay I work, you work and so on and so on....so get a reality check here. Krystina has no idea who I am by now, who grandpa is or Uncle Patrick or Jason is and hopefully she will get to know her dad, but another reality is this I am just a faceless person who says I am a grandmother in wait. She is never going to know what her great grandmother looks like except from pictures if she even see's those. The reality is as a grandparent not being able to see or talk or anything with a grandchild out of being mad or even distance you will never have the relationship you want and dream of. Because it wasn't given early enough and life went on year after year after year.
THATS THE REALITY of all this and it's the reality I try never to visit in my mind much because its the dreams and the fantasy that keep us sane. Forgiveness is the one thing that may have given us a chance but it's the one thing that is being withheld and making it impossible.
My granddaughter left at an early age that she isn't going to remember the people in her lives or what went on around her, so she is going to have to depend on what people tell her. My grandson isn't going to know me like he knows his immediate family and hell may never get to come for the summer to stay with me or grandpa. Is this all forgivable in my book? Yes, it is very forgivable, because life goes on. Lonnie and I have another granddaughter on Lonnie's side of the family and she doesn't understand why grandpa can't just pop over for a visit whenever she wants to see him. So that is three young people that have to say to themselves, we are going to have to get to know each other in order to have a relationship. And then they may not like each other and such and have different upbringings and such and may have to be the generation that says, "I forgive you crazy old people". Life is nothing but drama and forgiveness and such. It's about the good and the bad and what we do with that. We live through the bad to get to the good. And we live through the good to have the fantastic.
I lived through a mother that hated me with jealousy to come out of it this last few months and got the truth and said "FINALLY" and then forgave. There are people that had no parents but then found the parents that were good to them and life was full from that moment on. We had parents that loved us totally but we thought we were in love and such, left our parents, but tortured each other in many ways, not all one sided, but yet we wouldn't know what to do without that parent. We fell in love that was toxic on both sides and one side blames the other and the other side blames the other. But neither wants to take the first step to say, "I am sorry for my part in all this". Or the other can't accept the apology. We have had parents that thought their drugs and such was more important then the human beings we brought into life, and when they end up in prison we wonder why. We turn a blind eye to the needs of other humans and just say it's not my fault. It's a nasty nasty cycle that goes round and round. But what is the most surprising thing is that another person who you never got to know can outshine you and be that better person and such. How did that happen?
Life is a constant cycle of the worst, the bad, the good, the fantastic, and the most peaceful, and the most sincere. I don't know if I deserve to be a grandmother in life. I knew giving birth to three boys that the mothers would have the power of the grandchildren. Think about it that is life. Mother's of your grandchildren can hold the grand-kids as a tool of hurtfulness. You don't agree with them or you have an opinion or you make a choice, they can hold that against you FOREVER. It's not a mean thing it's just part of the cycle. And you have to do what you can to ask and beg for forgiveness. Grandparents have the short end of the stick. It's not like the old days that the family get together on Sunday's and have a family dinner. We are spread out and the relationships are already non existent because of the miles between everyone but add on the unthinkable crime you may have committed or did commit and it gets darn impossible. So even if Krystina, Titan Rey, or Payton grow up and come around to know you better they are by then starting their own lives and you are only a grandparent in Florida. It's one of those tricky little things in life not to piss off the mommies of your grandchildren so that you get a phone call or a picture only you will have. Or that dad isn't forgotten in the matter and then the daddy gets upset that you are getting something he isn't. Vicious cycle that is never ending. It's a minefield and good luck to all the grandparents in the world because you are sincerely going to need it.
I guess I have to be honest with the reality of life and say. I write letters to my grandchildren for them to get to know something about me, because to tell you the truth at 18 they aren't going to give a damn about who the old people are. It's to late and that makes me the saddest. They aren't going to care if you put their birthday money or the little Christmas money in an account for them, it's not going to matter about anything because they don't have that image in their heads of the fun times or anything like that. I can visit with Titan Rey every year and be forgotten one week after I leave his home to come to mine. Yes, yes he will get to know what I put into it. Okay I work, you work and so on and so on....so get a reality check here. Krystina has no idea who I am by now, who grandpa is or Uncle Patrick or Jason is and hopefully she will get to know her dad, but another reality is this I am just a faceless person who says I am a grandmother in wait. She is never going to know what her great grandmother looks like except from pictures if she even see's those. The reality is as a grandparent not being able to see or talk or anything with a grandchild out of being mad or even distance you will never have the relationship you want and dream of. Because it wasn't given early enough and life went on year after year after year.
THATS THE REALITY of all this and it's the reality I try never to visit in my mind much because its the dreams and the fantasy that keep us sane. Forgiveness is the one thing that may have given us a chance but it's the one thing that is being withheld and making it impossible.
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