Dearest Granddaughter Krystina,
I am writing you to tell you that you are a big sister once again to Titan Rey Tessinari, born May 30, 2014 in North Carolina. He is a precious little boy like you are a precious little girl. I have so much love to give to you and I have so much love for this new addition to the family. As you are a big sister to your sister Zoe, I hope that one day you will get to meet Titan and be a big sister to him. I am a grandmother once again, and I love the fact that this can happen more then once in a lifetime. But never will I forget you are out there and I am missing you everyday of your life.
I wish so much that I can see you and hug you and talk to you. But it's not in the cards at the moment and I can see Titan and hug him and talk to him. I don't want to ever let you believe that I have forgotten about you because that can never happen. Every-time I see Titan I am reminded that he has a big sister out there in the world. But I don't need to see him to know that neither. You are a wonderful granddaughter and a loved one no matter what. I have had my doubts that I wanted to participate in a grandchild's life and then be hurt again. But I have the love of being a grandmother that needs to be satisfied also.
I don't live close to Titan, and it will be long intervals that I do get to see him. Yet I know that I will have access to him as much as possible and I do truly hope that will never change. You can never tell though can you. Things change daily and the winds can bring a tornado of hurt. Your great grandmother mentioned you a few times this week. She said that it won't be long when you wonder about your fathers family and with the internet you will be able to find everyone one day, and want an explanation on "why". I have put the "why's" in this blog. A foolish woman trying not to make waves, given a choice and I made the worst mistake in her life. But your great grandmother also knows that if you have my blood in you that you will forgive. Forgiveness is the word of the day.
Forgive me for showering love onto a new grandchild, and not being able to shower you with the love I hold for you. Forgive me for loving another grandchild as much as I love you. And know that right now I still cry over a grandchild I so truly love and want to love. I just want you to know I have enough love to love this family and each addition to the family that comes in the future. I just want to be someone's grandmother and I have been blessed to be given that opportunity once again. It doesn't make the hurt of not seeing you easy or less painful. It just allows me to give extra love to a little boy that has come into the world looking for a "great" grandma and I plan on being that as much as I am allowed.
Love you Krystina for always and forever
Your Grandmother
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Friday, May 30, 2014
Introducing Titan Rey and Family
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| Gary Matthew Tessinari and his new boy Titan Rey Tessinari |
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| May 30, 2014 New addition to the family |
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| I am a grandma once again to a beautiful child |
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| Arielle Tessinari with Titan Rey Tessinari |
Titan Rey Tessinari Has Arrived
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| 6 lbs 11 oz 20 inches |
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Titan Rey Tessinari May 30, 2014 |
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Friends vs Family
I have been writing a young lady that is spending time in prison for a crime she did commit. I do not condone her crime by any means. She took a life and is spending her 25 years in prison and knows she did wrong. I send her lots of letters because I am one of those writers that like to write, I did it for another friend who was released from prison almost two years ago, and I just think they need to know they haven't been forgotten out her in the real world. Both have different stories why they were in prison and didn't do their crimes out of malice or robbing someone but because of different circumstances they did commit a crime. One took a life and one attempted was her charge. But they are still human beings to me and one wasn't a friend by any means. She was so mean to me in the past that when I reminded her of her being mean to me and such she had to listen or read my letters and come to terms with that and then acknowledge that and she is a friend ever since she has left prison and will remain a friend forever from this point on. The young lady I am writing now was a young girl when I meet her and my son Gary and her hung out. I never had grand illusions that she would marry any of my children or such but I knew she was in and how it happened that she is there, and felt that she would like some kind of contact from me or really anyone that would write her and give her some kind of contact.
Well why am I blogging about this? I don't know I just feel sometimes that the people that are your friends sometimes understand you more then the people that are the closest to you. She makes me feel like I am someone that is important to her. Maybe it's because she is in prison and has very little contact with others, and I am the only one to write her 10 times in just one day. But she tells me she remembers me and always loved to come over to my home to play with my children or Gary and even though I believe I was a tough mom and always yelling to get things done I did a hell of a job. She knows so much about my fears and my insecurities and gives me encouragement and says all the right things. Where others feel like if I speak or blog I am just crazy and stupid and such. I just don't know how to say it right and believe me I can say things as my readers know. She makes me feel like I don't need to beg to love me or like me she just does. Again is it because she is in prison and just wants me to continue writing her all the time. Because I won't stop at this point unless she tells me to stop and she never wants to hear from me again.
She says be myself and don't let anyone tell you that you aren't worth anything in their actions or anything. And I know this for myself also, but it's so hard. I gave her some advice recently and told her to stop being gullible and she took my advice and it all worked out because she stood up for herself and I was so happy for her. But how do I give such good advice to her and not follow it myself. I do stand up for myself in many many incidents but when it comes family I let them steam roll me in many many situations also. Promises get made that aren't honored, you can ask a family member something and they say I will do it and they don't and then it all just becomes a big avalanche of hurt feelings. I am not making sense right now and it's because I am aware of things I didn't want to be aware of and it's bothering me some. I have to learn that family can hurt you the most in life and it's because they are family and know where to hurt you and how. Well as my family goes it's just one of those things I guess. It's only me and I am not that important at this moment.
Well why am I blogging about this? I don't know I just feel sometimes that the people that are your friends sometimes understand you more then the people that are the closest to you. She makes me feel like I am someone that is important to her. Maybe it's because she is in prison and has very little contact with others, and I am the only one to write her 10 times in just one day. But she tells me she remembers me and always loved to come over to my home to play with my children or Gary and even though I believe I was a tough mom and always yelling to get things done I did a hell of a job. She knows so much about my fears and my insecurities and gives me encouragement and says all the right things. Where others feel like if I speak or blog I am just crazy and stupid and such. I just don't know how to say it right and believe me I can say things as my readers know. She makes me feel like I don't need to beg to love me or like me she just does. Again is it because she is in prison and just wants me to continue writing her all the time. Because I won't stop at this point unless she tells me to stop and she never wants to hear from me again.
She says be myself and don't let anyone tell you that you aren't worth anything in their actions or anything. And I know this for myself also, but it's so hard. I gave her some advice recently and told her to stop being gullible and she took my advice and it all worked out because she stood up for herself and I was so happy for her. But how do I give such good advice to her and not follow it myself. I do stand up for myself in many many incidents but when it comes family I let them steam roll me in many many situations also. Promises get made that aren't honored, you can ask a family member something and they say I will do it and they don't and then it all just becomes a big avalanche of hurt feelings. I am not making sense right now and it's because I am aware of things I didn't want to be aware of and it's bothering me some. I have to learn that family can hurt you the most in life and it's because they are family and know where to hurt you and how. Well as my family goes it's just one of those things I guess. It's only me and I am not that important at this moment.
Happy Belated Mothers Day
Well it is May 20, 2014 and its been a good month. I had Mothers Day with the only child at home which is Patrick. Jason texted me Happy Mothers Day which was the surprise for the day, since he is mad at me. And Gary didn't contact me at all but according to others I was on his mind. Then I had my birthday which again Patrick was here for that since he lives here and Lonnie my husband took me out for a dinner that cost me to gain 3 pounds.....lol. But what the hell I ate those 18 oysters and had the two slices of pizza and two slices of cheese cake. Gary and Jason never wished me a Happy Birthday.
What I am tired and upset about is this. As a mom I have to forget and forgive and make excuses for my children sometimes and that's okay, it's suppose to be done by the parent, I do understand that. But when others give me an excuse for something my children may have or hasn't done that just bothers me. I have always told my story to the honesty that I have. As I see fit and as I see things. I can make excuses for why my children don't do this or do that, as maybe wishing their mother a happy mothers day or a happy birthday, I do no matter what on blog if they are mad or not, on text because of the same reasons. But when they don't it stings of course it does. Their your children, and even though you can say to yourself, "well they are mad at you" or "it's a tradition to have him forget because he says he will always come up with something even if it's late" it really doesn't matter does it, it's an excuse. Do I have to get over it, I always do.
I don't know why it's bothering me so much this year, I guess I had someone comment to me as a parent you gave birth to them you raised them they should always remember that holiday if nothing else in life. No it wasn't a friend it was my husband giving a little sermon to Jordan on why he should tell his mom Happy Mothers Day ALWAYS, no matter if he feels he doesn't celebrate holiday's, I was listening to the little sermon. Lonnie tells Jordan, "your mother gave you life and mine is in her 80's and I still every year tell her Happy Mother's Day" (Lonnie's mom). It's the acknowledgment all mothers want. And to tell you the truth I look for it every year. I ALWAYS HOLD MY BREATH AND LOOK FOR IT. So what he says is true. Your mom always wants to have that day acknowledged. As mad as I am with my own mother I always no matter what give her a card and say Happy Mother's Day. My friend Denise has five children and she wrote not one of them said it to her. So if its five children or two children or one child it's nice to have acknowledgement.
I don't know as mothers we want it said that one time of the year. We want a Happy Birthday. But we don't get what we want do we. So all the Mothers out there that didn't get it said to you, make the excuses and get over it like I will now since I wrote about it. But know from one Mother to another in the world, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all from me to you.
What I am tired and upset about is this. As a mom I have to forget and forgive and make excuses for my children sometimes and that's okay, it's suppose to be done by the parent, I do understand that. But when others give me an excuse for something my children may have or hasn't done that just bothers me. I have always told my story to the honesty that I have. As I see fit and as I see things. I can make excuses for why my children don't do this or do that, as maybe wishing their mother a happy mothers day or a happy birthday, I do no matter what on blog if they are mad or not, on text because of the same reasons. But when they don't it stings of course it does. Their your children, and even though you can say to yourself, "well they are mad at you" or "it's a tradition to have him forget because he says he will always come up with something even if it's late" it really doesn't matter does it, it's an excuse. Do I have to get over it, I always do.
I don't know why it's bothering me so much this year, I guess I had someone comment to me as a parent you gave birth to them you raised them they should always remember that holiday if nothing else in life. No it wasn't a friend it was my husband giving a little sermon to Jordan on why he should tell his mom Happy Mothers Day ALWAYS, no matter if he feels he doesn't celebrate holiday's, I was listening to the little sermon. Lonnie tells Jordan, "your mother gave you life and mine is in her 80's and I still every year tell her Happy Mother's Day" (Lonnie's mom). It's the acknowledgment all mothers want. And to tell you the truth I look for it every year. I ALWAYS HOLD MY BREATH AND LOOK FOR IT. So what he says is true. Your mom always wants to have that day acknowledged. As mad as I am with my own mother I always no matter what give her a card and say Happy Mother's Day. My friend Denise has five children and she wrote not one of them said it to her. So if its five children or two children or one child it's nice to have acknowledgement.
I don't know as mothers we want it said that one time of the year. We want a Happy Birthday. But we don't get what we want do we. So all the Mothers out there that didn't get it said to you, make the excuses and get over it like I will now since I wrote about it. But know from one Mother to another in the world, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all from me to you.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Why?
Is there ever a question you want to ask someone and you think that if
you had the answer it would make you feel better or at least give you an insight as
to "why". I have an answer from my mother that I have always wondered "why". Now
she has had a stroke a year ago, and before
anything else happened and she ended up in her grave I needed to know "why".
I needed to know why I remember the beatings she gave me. Why was I
always the target of her anger and hatred. Why did she always want me to be alone
and not have any friends? And I think I finally got a truthful answer, jealousy.
My grandparents on my father's side spoiled me she said, they always took my side
and wouldn't allow my parents to punish me if they deemed fit. My grandparents
lived in a town house in Flushing, New York and I would constantly run up and down
the stairs to visit my grandparents or my Nana who lived on the third floor and my
parents hated that I did that and wanted to punish me and my grandparents told them
"no". So my mom saw that as I was being spoiled and loved and didn't like it. She
said my father was the same way. My mom told me everyone loved me and spoiled me
and she hated that. So she took her anger out on me when that happened. I had to
ask the question as to "why", as a child how am I to control what other adults did
for me or if they thought I needed to be protected.
As a child did I really have that much control on how I was treated by others? Why is it that if I went to their friends house I deserved punishment after we left because they said it was okay not to have to pick up the toys, and why as an adult I deserved to be mentally abused by her. Same answer from her, "jealousy". My mom said people liked me, no matter where I was at people liked me. If it was a co worker or men, people liked me. When her boyfriends gave me a little attention, and not in a sexual way, but just talked to me she hated it, and accused me of sleeping with them. When a group of people wanted to be my friend she hated it. She just hated it all the way around and it was out of pure jealousy that my mom treated me with hatred or punished me for her insecurities in life.
That is the most honesty I have received from her. I asked her did she ever treat my brothers the same way, and she said she used to slap them across the face but the "jealousy" wasn't there for them. I got the belt buckle, not just the belt itself. Or I was laid out on the floor and beaten by my brothers by her orders, or I was thrown out in the garage to live for months at a time because there was a dirty dish in the sink or we kids snuck outside to play when she was working. Or get this because I had freckles, I was filthy and that's why I have freckles. All of this is just a seedling of what went on in my life. So I have the answer and now I have and will come to peace because of the answers, but I wouldn't allow her to go to the grave without giving me my answers. I have friends now and they call me when I am going through things and they love me. So this month I turn 46 years old and I have my answers as to "why".
As a child did I really have that much control on how I was treated by others? Why is it that if I went to their friends house I deserved punishment after we left because they said it was okay not to have to pick up the toys, and why as an adult I deserved to be mentally abused by her. Same answer from her, "jealousy". My mom said people liked me, no matter where I was at people liked me. If it was a co worker or men, people liked me. When her boyfriends gave me a little attention, and not in a sexual way, but just talked to me she hated it, and accused me of sleeping with them. When a group of people wanted to be my friend she hated it. She just hated it all the way around and it was out of pure jealousy that my mom treated me with hatred or punished me for her insecurities in life.
That is the most honesty I have received from her. I asked her did she ever treat my brothers the same way, and she said she used to slap them across the face but the "jealousy" wasn't there for them. I got the belt buckle, not just the belt itself. Or I was laid out on the floor and beaten by my brothers by her orders, or I was thrown out in the garage to live for months at a time because there was a dirty dish in the sink or we kids snuck outside to play when she was working. Or get this because I had freckles, I was filthy and that's why I have freckles. All of this is just a seedling of what went on in my life. So I have the answer and now I have and will come to peace because of the answers, but I wouldn't allow her to go to the grave without giving me my answers. I have friends now and they call me when I am going through things and they love me. So this month I turn 46 years old and I have my answers as to "why".
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