Dearest Krystina,
Well your grandmother is a royal screw up sometimes. Totally miss the mark on being a friend. I don't think it was all my fault but I have to accept the blame for my not listening to a friend. Hell it was my fault for not listening. Plus, we must remember I am famous for putting my feelings out there. I will go to my death putting my feelings out there. When you have a best friend it will hurt when you are in a disagreement or the friendship ends. It will make you sad and emotional and then very very angry. I didn't listen when she didn't want something and I did it anyway. And she took it out on my family and I was hurt. So I put my humiliation and embarrassment out there. It was how I felt and there were many people that understood my feelings and didn't put me down for it. Whats perfect is these are the same people that know my friend and myself, and many that didn't know the both of us. No sides were taken and no harsh words were spoken only concern. Somehow I didn't know they were out there. You would be surprised to know that when you are done and feeling so badly there are people that will post a saying to lift you or call or just have something nice to say.
I am a natural writer when it comes to my feelings. I can't keep things bottled up. It explodes into a mess and unless I get them out it physically hurts. That's why I write I guess, I get to where I can't see pictures of you or I have the love for you that wells up and I have to write you. Plus one day you will google your name and do you realize how many posts will come up. Many many many. I am amazed by who reads this blog. And who have made comments and the forgiveness I just recently felt for someone. It's a honor to have somewhere where I can just type away.
I was thinking of you Krystina. My wisdom isn't good sometimes. But if you have a best friend and you get to that rough road in that friendship it may not survive. You may feel like you lost a vital part of you. There may be a time in your life you will go through that. It hurts, I won't sugar coat it my lovely grand-daughter. Its painful and emotional and then the anger comes in. But remember sometimes there is no going back. It may take many years. It may take days. Friendships have thorns and they are sharp sometimes because you share everything.
I love you my gorgeous grand-daughter. I am sure you heard the news or not about your dad having another baby with Arielle. I am having so many mixed feelings. I don't want to be loyal to another grandchild for so many reasons. I can't seem to get close to any other child because its disloyal to you for one. I don't know its just so many new feelings about the situation. I know what I wrote in this blog about if this came up. But being human it still pulls at you. I can't survive another lost grandchild. It physically makes me sick of what it means to love another grandchild.
Enough all ready right. Time to get my "big girl shoes on". I made a great grandmother. But sometimes I make a lousy human being.
Anyway lots of love and hugs,
Your grandmother
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