Grandmother Again?

Well today I got a early morning call from my son Gary Tessinari, who announced that I was going to be a grandmother once again.  If you are a avid reader of my blog you will know that being a grandmother once again isn't my ideal fairy tale in the world.  After losing a grandchild and not allowing to talk or see that grandchild it hurts like there is no tomorrow, yes Kayti my fault, I know.  And so does everyone else that reads the blogs.  So looking forward to another breaks my heart into millions of pieces and makes me want to run under the covers and hide.

Its to hard and to much to love and lose.  It's not right.  I love being a grandmother from close up from afar.  But its not in my cards I believe.  It not one of those obtainable things that I can have.  Its a fantasy and its a great and wonderful dream.  But not a reality to me.

My son said all the pretty words and how much he regrets using me as a "scapegoat".  That was his words.  He didn't say he was "sorry" only that he had regrets.  Then he proceeded to tell me what he expects out of me.  To be there for the baby shower to send presents to love another grandchild.  Did he ask me what I expected out of him?  No it didn't come up.  I expect him to be a husband, a hard worker, and a father.  To make amends to Kayti and tell that girl that he treated her horrible and should have been a better person.  To make amends with me for telling me to choose.  To being the loving son I know he can be.  He is loving and those pretty words do come out.  But it makes you wonder what does he want out of you now.

Its not harshness I say these things.  At this point I am not angry anymore, I am resigned to the fact that my son and I have different views on things and will always disagree.  But am I happy to be a grandmother?  I felt sick all day long since he told me.  I didn't feel sick about a child coming into the world.  I felt sick knowing the pain I endure everyday knowing I have another grandchild out there and another on the way and I don't want the pain of being disappointed.  Nothing lasts forever we all know this.  How long do I get to invest my love into another grandchild only to have my son or Arielle taking that child and saying "oh sorry you are being cut off."  Or "make a choice mom and it better be the right one."

8 to 9 months of thinking and praying and hoping.  Congratulation to them and their happiness.  I mean that.  But I don't know if its worth the heartache to love another grandchild.  I don't think I would survive another love of a grandchild.  It's good that they are happy.  It's nice that they are starting a family.  And I have my little part of the world and my happiness.  Maybe we need to keep the two separate.  Because colliding the two together can mean the end of the world for me.