Life is just so unpredictable and strange - the Tessinari, Birdsong, McDonald's in this life have their major moments. Everything goes well and then in an instant everything changes. Was this how life was meant to be. There is a beginning and middle and then an end. We have to wonder what is the point sometimes. Some religions say there is no "hell" per say and I say that life on this earth is hell enough for me. But if there is a "hell" then I am in for a long long time there. My life isn't great its satisfying at times but its not great. I wonder why I live at all, to bring happiness to bring fulfillment to bring joy. But to who?
There is so much sadness in life for me at times and then like this past week after a long long time I have broke out in laughter where tears have come down my eyes and my belly aches because I am laughing so hard. It was strange after stating I haven't laughed like that in a long time that it happened more then once this week. Was it someone telling me it can be done or was I aching for it so badly that it happened without me thinking about it. I have made some new friends that are in the forefront and some that are in the background. I have lost friends this year that people have stated they were never your friends if they can disregard you like that yet I can't stop aching for the familiarity of them and what I can say to them or act with them or laugh with them or support them. Life changes to much and I crave routine sometimes. I am happier at work, yet when thing change there to its like the balance is lost and I have to find footing, yet I have the love at home that is just missing one piece and I miss that piece and I know that its sadness when I think about it but the mind is funny it brings it up at the oddest times.
I found that I am just eternally sad and its comes unexpectedly and I just want to be one of those people that can forget it. I have forgotten other sad things in my life and buried those things so deep that I don't think about it but then something triggers it to the forefront and BAM I have to confront it. I have a life that I can not say is truly bliss and happiness 24 hours a day but who in their right minds can say that. They are the people that can hide behind their stuff and fake it so well that you look at them and say I want that but you just don't know what happens behind closed doors do you.
I am one of those that have survived all the crap handed to her and I muddle through the quicksand only to find that I have to step gently and carefully before the next quicksand pit swallows me up. I wasn't meant to have that perfect life, I was meant for -who knows what. But its one second one minute one hour one day at a time for me. And as long as I can I will hang in there and love and laugh and live because I just want to. When the sadness envelopes me I will reach out and have who love me take me by the hand with kind words and shoulders to cry on and give me that push off the edge till the next time. I have good and wonderful people that love me, and I love them. But depression is so real and its so strong that I have to fight it because I want my life and whoever in this universal that wants to take it from me CAN GO TO HELL AT THIS MOMENT.
There is so much sadness in life for me at times and then like this past week after a long long time I have broke out in laughter where tears have come down my eyes and my belly aches because I am laughing so hard. It was strange after stating I haven't laughed like that in a long time that it happened more then once this week. Was it someone telling me it can be done or was I aching for it so badly that it happened without me thinking about it. I have made some new friends that are in the forefront and some that are in the background. I have lost friends this year that people have stated they were never your friends if they can disregard you like that yet I can't stop aching for the familiarity of them and what I can say to them or act with them or laugh with them or support them. Life changes to much and I crave routine sometimes. I am happier at work, yet when thing change there to its like the balance is lost and I have to find footing, yet I have the love at home that is just missing one piece and I miss that piece and I know that its sadness when I think about it but the mind is funny it brings it up at the oddest times.
I found that I am just eternally sad and its comes unexpectedly and I just want to be one of those people that can forget it. I have forgotten other sad things in my life and buried those things so deep that I don't think about it but then something triggers it to the forefront and BAM I have to confront it. I have a life that I can not say is truly bliss and happiness 24 hours a day but who in their right minds can say that. They are the people that can hide behind their stuff and fake it so well that you look at them and say I want that but you just don't know what happens behind closed doors do you.
I am one of those that have survived all the crap handed to her and I muddle through the quicksand only to find that I have to step gently and carefully before the next quicksand pit swallows me up. I wasn't meant to have that perfect life, I was meant for -who knows what. But its one second one minute one hour one day at a time for me. And as long as I can I will hang in there and love and laugh and live because I just want to. When the sadness envelopes me I will reach out and have who love me take me by the hand with kind words and shoulders to cry on and give me that push off the edge till the next time. I have good and wonderful people that love me, and I love them. But depression is so real and its so strong that I have to fight it because I want my life and whoever in this universal that wants to take it from me CAN GO TO HELL AT THIS MOMENT.
