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Saturday, May 12, 2012

A Mother's Perspective

We always wonder if we did a good job....if we favored one child over the next....if we neglected one child over another....

I have three sons and they are all different in many ways...right now my first son isn't speaking to me....doesn't hurt my feelings because like his biological father he has his own demons....I almost gave him up for adoption but I didn't....thought he would always be an example to his other two brothers....but somehow I am more proud of the other two then him....I may love him but I am not proud of him....he will mark my failure in motherhood....he has given me a granddaughter and then basically made it impossible for me to stay in touch with that granddaughter....that is how I feel....and it is proven in a lot of things he does.... never a giver always a taker....where do I think I went wrong....I gave in to

To Gary Tessinari and Arielle



Okay I wrote something earlier that I do stand behind....and it was a great stress relief for me.....but I deleted it to start it over again and to try to state my opinions and such....so here it goes....

My son Gary is a mental abuser....as his mom I know this and will have to say that he is very good at it....he has mentally abused me for years....and he continues to do it with his woman that he has....I have written about him and the treatment he gave Katie....and the day she moved away I am proud to say that was a good choice for her to get away from him....I complained how they used to fight like cats and dogs, but do you know what I realize she stood up to him and that is what came of the fighting like cats and dogs....Gary is egotistical and cruel when he talks to his woman....and he cheats on them and they continue to take it from him....he calls them stupid and puts them down like they are nothing but crap under his feet....he thinks that degree he's got allows him or gives him permission to do that....but I come to realize he has always been like that....I have always wondered if he would change and I don't believe he will ever change....he thinks the world owes him and everyone around him owes him....I had cut Gary out of my life in 2007 and then he got into trouble.....I had to pay for his attorney and other things, borrowing the money from everyone around me and repaying that debt to everyone.....and Gary thought and still thinks I am not worthy enough to be paid back in full.....a $5000 bill being paid $50 a month.....and that took argument's to get him to start paying.....but he figures being his mom I should take on that bill and wipe it out....NOT

Now lets get to Arielle and her involvement with Gary....a beautiful girl .....maybe a nice girl.....I don't know from the beginning because like she told me, "Gary told me not to speak to you"....so she lives in my home and doesn't say a word to me.....another one of Gary's mind controls.....she basically doesn't tell her parents anything about her life and constantly lies to cover the life she is leading.....but is it up to me to tell them.....no I don't think so at the time.....Patrick comes to me often and has me listening through the walls at my son calling her "stupid" or she won't amount to much or this or that.....and that's the cruelty of my son to a girl he is suppose to love.....she cries some fights back some but basically takes his cheating ways and his verbal abuse and then it's like she can't even tell her family what she is going through....she has a abortion and I don't think she wanted that at all.....but trying to keep my son tied to you because of a baby will not keep him.....look at Kayti.....so you end up with regrets and run home that lasted what a 24 hour period....you end up suicidal or talking of suicide that scared someone to call for help for you.....what happens when you come to realize that my son is who he is and he's not a nice person....talking to friends I come to realize we have had maybe 10 to 15 good conversations since you have been living here....and you have lived here for quite a while....I estimate around or almost three years.....why can't my son stay faithful?.....because he isn't made that way....he can't stop thinking he is god.....now you want to put me down....I was angry....but you are saying what Gary has trained you to say.....a piece of paper doesn't make you a better person....it makes you in debt.....especially if you don't use that paper to further yourself and are at a stand still.....I have what I have because my husband and I worked hard we never settled....regular people with no education but with a home and a car and love and respect.....I hear your mom and dad have what they have with no true education.....does Gary outshine them too.....little respect and that is why Gary is out.....I was worried about you but not so much anymore....you have people that love you no matter what in your life and you can't tell them how Gary treats you.....Gary has taken taken taken from every member in his family.....he disrespects everyone in his family.....he has a man that has always been there for him....a mother that gave him everything he wanted.....brothers that had respect for him....until he put us down bringing up his education.....a $43,000 education and nothing to gain him more.....he wants to further it, he wants to move to Maine.....he wants and wants.....action speaks louder then words....do something about it instead of putting others done around him.....show some damn respect for what others have worked for.....I am 43 years old....I have seen a lot been a lot in life....and I have a lot in life.....I made it on my own and waited it out with a lot of hard work.....I have what I have because I gave a damn about others and I may have been foolish in many ways....but I have respect and that is why I called your parents to show enough respect to say "I am sorry" for how my son has taken their daughter and has and will continue to abuse her...... Oh maybe this will light a fire under his ass to prove me and everyone around him wrong....but the curse is he will never do that till his earns the one thing he has lost.....his mothers respect......I waited and waited for him to show respect....my husband has waited for him to show respect.....

My home is quiet and at peace......I have started the restoration to a beautiful room they destroyed....and have made my apologies to parents that deserved it from the mother of the man that has entangled their daughter....I seem to have had to make apologies before for my son's actions.....but writing him off has me so much at peace.....I was worried for Arielle but I have to make my peace with knowing that she will wake up out of the nightmare she calls love one day......

Daniel Birdsong.....2000


I wrote this in 2000 about Daniel Birdsong in my memory book

There is a lot to say about your father.  But I think there is a lot more to say about me.  I am not here to badmouth your father, because he doesn't know how to be one.  He was military.  I want to say he tried.  But he only tried when I pushed.  Like I said I am writing this while you all are young yet.  It's the year 2000.  Your dad came and went the first time because he didn't know being a father would be demanding.  He said, "he wanted a life."  It made me angry.  How do you get a life with having children?  Your life should be those children.  As you will learn from me I hope.  Your father is or hasn't been in your lives a lot since he was in the military.  And maybe you can't fault him for that.  But if any of you join the military then please remember that family is family.  Your dad is far from perfect just like I am not perfect.  He is a lonely man and will remain lonely if he continues to be the way he is.  You see he never gets anything done in life.  He leaves a lot undone.  And that is not a life to have.  I don't know why he is like this.  But it's a sad state he is in.  We married but I knew it would not last and I truly believe your father thought I had no backbone to raise you kids by myself.  Your father told me once that his parent's hated me because I brought a child into the marriage.  I was stupid enough to believe him.  Then I found out he lied about that.  I don't trust him till this day.  For that and a few other things he tried to do to me.  And I made a life with Lonnie.  Your father is jealous and he cannot tell me he's not, because once again he would be lying.  He wants it so bad but he can't because he goes about it all the wrong way.  I was never in love with him and that hurts him too.  Gary will always be his favorite.  Jason comes in second and Patrick he doesn't know how to please.  Well I think this is enough about your father.  Just be the total opposite. 

 

Patrick Birdsong


Written when Patick Birdsong was 8 years old - He is now 20

I wonder how many heart you will break.  I wonder how many women will fall at your feet.  You are going to be a heart breaker.  You have the power to attract people from everywhere.  That could be a blessing or a curse.  Pick people well.  Not everyone is trusting and honest.  So be careful.   I love my sweet little boy, with your dark eyes that are like magnets.  You will get far in life.  You will use your charms and brains.  A powerful combination like yours is powerful.  You are my angel and I hope we always stay close.  There will be a day that you won't need me as much.  And I will stand back reluctantly.  But young man remember I am here.  Your wife is going to be blessed to have you.  And flow in your arms.  Your children will be beautiful and compete for your attention.  You will be a soft-spoken person and a wonder to people.  You my darling have that quiet strength about you.  And I will be amazed if you have an enemy.  For so many love you.  Think about your choices my darling.  Weigh out things carefully.  Not all choices are right.  But never be afraid of a mistake.  If you ever need help don't be afraid to ask.  I will bend over backwards for you.  I can only be a mom with shoulders to cry on and ears to listen.  My arms will be there to hold you.  You are my son and I love you.  I am proud of you.  I know you will be okay.  Use your strength and the brains god gave you.  Be kind to people for they will look up to you for your strength. 


Love now and Forever your mom!!!!!!!!!!

Jason Birdsong


Written when Jason Birdsong was 7 years old - He is 22 now

Oh Jason! Oh Jason!  You will never be accused of standing in one place.  You always want to win, or to be right.  But you will learn not everyone is a winner.  Yet you will always stand on your own two feet.  Strong is what I am.  You have convictions.  We didn't bond well in the beginning and it took a few years.  It was my fault.  But you are my loving terror.  I don't worry about you though: you are a tough young man.  What a wonderful man you are going to be.  When you marry your wife she is going to have her hands full, with your stubborn ways.  I don't believe it's a curse.  Because you will stand up for what you believe in.  Your kids will have that stubborn streak and learn from it.  Boy will you have your hands full.  I love you Jason, through the past and in the future.  Do you know your mom will be there for you?  I'll listen, give advice and worry.  You will come out in top.  Confidence is what you have.  Confidence is what I have in you.  I've watched you learn, I've watched you grow.  I smile at you and your eyes shimmer.  You give me hugs and kisses and lots of proud moments.  Never will I forget that you are my child.  Moms want happiness and security for their children.  I also want the best for you.  Never step down from a fight my dear Jason.  Yet always admit when you are wrong.  People respect that from a person.  Take the good and the bad.  Don't be afraid to love.  Don't be afraid to open up to people.  I see a bright future for you and I will be there watching.

Love now and Forever!!!!!!